"Intereality"

photo courtesy of google

I've been blogging [here] for nearly 2yrs (Feb 4, 08). So my baby is getting pretty old, as far as blogs goes. I had a LJ & FOD in HS when those were all the rage but I don't really consider those blogs. I more consider those, "drama starters" b/c thats basically what they were used for back then. To stir-up drama. Anyways I'm digressing, as always.

My blog has changed & transformed over the course of its life. Its changed as I have changed. It started out as a way for people [family & close friends] to keep up with the end of my pregnancy. It was getting scary. One minute they were going to take my baby 10wks early b/c of complications then the next they weren't. We were living U/S to U/S. It was a scary time & I couldn't continue to make the SAME repetitive phone calls to my HUGE family. I made the decision to blog it & they could read it or not.

Then it some how morphed into a pregnant bitchfest about how my parents hated my [soon-to-be-ex]Husband, I had already filled for divorce but it wouldn't be finalized till after E's birth b/c of childsupport issues. Yet I, in my pregnant state-of-mind I thought (even w.the looming divorce, that I FILED) things would be OK & that Mom/Tom should suck it up. HAHA I love them for not

That bring us to Urban Cowgril- & TODAYS Kandid Kelli . Even though the name changed (Thanks Erin for my face lift, Its fab!!) It didn't change my style or who I am. I blog about my life as a young [single] mom who is just living the day to day, w/a clone for a toddler. Thanks karma. I am very kandid (I know its candid for real but for the sake of my name... go with it, thx!) with you all and I have never held back.

When things were good, I raved! When things were bad, you [unfortunately for yall] got the gory deets. I don't think its right to portray something I am not. What good would I be doing? I know the truth. I know what really goes on in my life.

Sure I can make my life look glamourous & wonderful on a computer screen but when I step away It is what it is. I LOVE MY LIFE. TO ME IT IS GLAMOUROUS & WONDERFUL, but for some [most] its not.

I read sooo many blogs. My reader is JAMMMMM PACKED!!! I love each & every single blogger I read, too. I follow a lot of them on Twiter too. I just can't get enough of their wittiness.

But I have to remember, their blog is NOT their [real] life. They only share (besides youLILU & well maybe you too Tia) the good & the glam.

Who wants to write about the knock-down-drag-out fight they had w.their husband/ S.O? Or the humdrum of their everyday life? Why would they want to portray their life as anything but extraordinary?

Just b/c someone is a great writer does not mean YOU WANT THEIR LIFE. They are going to write about the exciting things that happen. The funny events, etc. Don't mistake the internet & what you read in blogs/forums to be 100% truth. Some people may be what you read is what you get, but most aren't. They want it to look like they live the "rockstar" life 24/7.

If you follow me on Twitter you saw me post this, this AM: "Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have." -Unknown. I truly believe that quote. I think a lot of people are just searching for happiness, be happy w.what you have 1st. Then you might be able to stop searching.

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Have a Fantastic weekend & I hope to see you back here @ Kandid Kelli Monday AM for "Not Me Monday"

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"Convo w/a Toddler"

Like EVERY parent under the sun I think MINE is gifted in EVERY way possible. She got a 5-in-1 musical set (drums, tambourine, recorder, maracas, etc...) from my dad & step mom Jane for Christmas & since she loves to play with it & is isn't bad either so I don't mind it; Like originally thought when the gift was opened. So yesterday, while she was supposed to be NAPPING this occured:


Photo courtesy of google

[through the monitor I hear a slight flute sound but give it a minute before I go in to find out whats up)
Me: [I open the door & She quickly lays down and hides her recorder] Whatcha doing sweetpea?
E: Hi mama [waves & smiles]
Me: Where did you get this? [I hold up her recorder]
E: Mine. [Tries to grab it from me]
Me: Lets use our manners. We don't grab things, we ask nicely.
E: Peeese mama.
Me: No hon, its sleepy time. How did you get this?
[She pointed to her baby's playpin- it's right next to her crib, if she stretches far enough she can reach it, I guess she stashed it in there]
E: My babys
Me: Okay well mama wants to play with it now, so can you take a nappy and then when you get up you can have it?
E: K mama.
Me: Yes mam?
E: Yea mam

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Photo courtesy of piratefan308 via Flickr.

E & I love to color together. Its something we usually do after her second nap of the day before dinner. It keeps her occupied for a long time too. (Another reason I like for her to color) The other day NOTHING was making her happy, she was just all around grouchy:

E: Mama lookkkkk!!! [holds up her coloring book]
Me: Thats your Handy Manny coloring book. How did you get the craft drawer open?
E: Meme!! [points to the book] Meme!! uhuh!! Sit. [goes to her booter seat]
Me: Would you like to color?
E: Peeese.
Me: Okay. Lets put your book up there. Go ahead & climb up there while I get your crayons.
E: Ok mama.
-I hear her struggling but she successfully is in her seat-
Me: Here ya go [I pour out her crayons in front of her & she picks her picture to color, I walked away to do laundry]

-The next thing I know/hear is little footsteps running towards the laundry room. I immediately think to myself "did i strap her into her booster seat?" apparently not:

E: MAMA Lookkkkk peeeeettttyyyy... [she holds up her picture and a black INK PEN!!!]
Me: [thinking SHIT... where did she get a PEN] that is beautiful honey. Can I have your pen?
E: No mine. Peeeetttyyyyy!!!!!! [pulls up her shirt & points to her tummy- she had colored her tummy with the pen]
Me: Aw E honey, We don't color ourselves. We only color on our paper.
E: Mama. [a very confused look on her face, grabs my hand- where I have some stuff scribbled]


photo courtesy google

-She wins.


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DON'T FORGET the BLOG got a FACELIFT && a NEW NAME Monday and If youre reading this in reader or the likes make sure you check out the new look & tell me what you think... Here.


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Thanks for stopping by Kandid Kelli, There's NEVER a dull moment!

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"Decorations"

The normal time frame for Christmas decorations is THE DAY/WEEK AFTER THANKSGIVING - NEW YEARS DAY. There is NO compromise on this. NO sooner NO longer. At least that is how I see it.

Thats how most ppl in FL saw it too. As you all know, I moved to PA right after Christmas. So when I saw Christmas decor. everywhere I was not surprised in the least.

But as the days & weeks, yes WEEKS started to pass I just figured the decorations would start to come down. Its not usually something you see happen; They are up one day and gone the next. But the thing is... they didn't come down.

Its one thing to leave the lights on your house b.c its SNOWING, Sleeting & the like. It is dangerous to be up on a ladder/roof removing lights in "winter weather". At least remove your lawn ornaments, lights in the windows (inside their homes) & blow up characters, its not hard to walk out into your front yard and take those to the garage or shed. And DON'T turn your lights on EVERY NIGHT the minute it starts to get dark. Its the middle of January people, theres no need for that & really do you want to pay the extra $$ in electric for your CHRISTMAS lights in the middle of Jan? Lets play it smart. I already know you're paying extra to heat your home... its COLD.

I understand, the holidays are fun! You might just be trying to hold on to some of that fun-ness. "They" stated to push Christmas on us E-A-R-L-Y this year but that doesn't mean to prolong it. It was already long enough, I started to see decor. around Halloween. That was plenty long enough for me.

I was talking to M about this, I asked him one night when we were running to the grocery store if it's normal for people in PA/ up north or if its just this town to leave their lights/decorations up for soooo long?

Me: Babe, I've noticed that people still have their lights up all over town. Is that normal?
Him: Hmm I guess I don't really pay it that much attention. Maybe they are still in the Christmas spirit?
Me: Christmas spirit? that was WEEEEEKKKKSSS ago!
Him: Hon IDK why do you care? They will come down, eventually- I mean when you came in August to visit no one had lights up, did they?
Me: No but when I came up in Oct. for my interview- they DID...
Him: Thats b/c people up here like to decorate for the holidays & you were here near Halloween. Baby, I don't know why you are so concerned by this.
Me: ...

I noticed late last week/ early this week that the Christmas lights had come down... FINALLY.

B-U-T

<span style="font-weight:bold;">They had been replaced by ALL red & pink ones! YES. Thats correct! People around here decorate ALL out for Valentines day! Its like Christmas decorations but for Valentines day. Cupids, hearts & such (like they did when I was up in Oct they had like Orange & Black lights on thier homes etc...).

This is so odd. I have never experienced anything like this. Decorating, all out, for EVERY holiday. I've seen ppl who put up house flags or something small on their mailbox or a little something similar. I mean we always changed our house flag for the season/holiday but apparently the people in this town are all about who can out decorate who. Its like I want to out do the Jones'. Good Lord.

To top it all off when I was at lunch with my friend Andy & I was telling him about how weird I find the decorating, he laughed then told me about this one family down the street from him who has a goose in their front yard and they switch its outfit for every holiday BIG or little. (ie: Vday, St. Pattys Day, Easter, etc...) He said the decor. on ppls home is normal (for hm anyways; b/c he's used to it) but the Goose is the most ridiculous thing he has ever seen.

Here are a few pics (sry for the shoddy quality I was driving when they were taken): One os of a house that went ALL out the other is just one w.a few flags:



**What do you think about over decoration in my new town? weird? Is your town like this?**

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DON'T FORGET the BLOG got a FACELIFT && a NEW NAME Monday and If youre reading this in reader or the likes make sure you check out the new look & tell me what you think... Here.



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Happy Hump Day- I hope to see you all back here tomorrow for "Convo w/a Toddler" @ Kandid Kelli

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"PTSD"

If you have been following this blog for any amount of time at all now, you know that I have strong military ties. My grandfather was a Sailor in the United States Navy, My father was a United States Marine, My Uncle was a Soldier in the United States Army, M (my bf of over 1.5 yrs) is a purple heart recipient from the United States Marines & My cousin, Bubba is currently a deployed Marine. I am not proud of it but I also dated my fair share of uniform clad men.

I have since I was a small child been interested in the armed forces. I used to love hearing all the stories from the men in my family. As I got older I found myself trolling the "Military" section or "History" section of bookstores & I would flip over about 10-12 books to decide which one(s) I wanted to buy. I would spend hours flipping through the pages. Digesting all the knowledge I could.

I also found myself on various websites & talking to the different recruiters & Officer candidates on my college's campus. I am not scared to ask questions, if I am curious about something I will ask someone who knows or consult a book/website that has the answer.

I have enough books on the Marine Corps & Military in general to fill 3-4 shelves on a good sized bookcase- Most people would never guess that the female in the house is the owner of those kind of books. But I digress.

I have seen far too many of my friends, men I love(d) & now my family members get deployed to the middle east to fight in an ongoing war.

I know more stuff about the military then most. Although, I have a group of friends that can give me a run for my money (you know who you are). I digress, Again.

Anyhoddle, this past Wednesday Jan. 20th was M's 27th birthday. He has been begging asking wanting dropping hints since BEFORE Christmas, no before that even, that he wanted a PS3. Then when COD Modern Warfare 2 was released, OH MY GOD. That was it. HE HAD TO HAVE A PS3. HE HAD TO HAVE THAT GAME. HAD TO.



I read the reviews of said game, I wanted to know why HE HAD TO HAVE THIS GAME. I watched a few news stories about this game, I'm a news junkie, it's what I do. The game had gotten fairly good reviews from whom ever reviews the games. The gamers themselves, gave the game raving reviews.

However, this game's appeal was how realistic it is, how it makes you feel like you're there. That's all fine and dandy until you're back at the VA b/c a VIDEO GAME has caused your PTSD to "flair back up" or b/c you're having flash backs again, b/c of a VIDEO GAME. You're probably thinking that I am overreacting, right? WRONG.

There are recorded cases of men showing up @ the VA b/c the flashbacks were too much to handle. Or b/c their wives couldn't handle the nightmares. This is what I was hearing when I was watching the news.

So I have to admit when I decided to get him a PS3 for his bday I was nervous about the purchase of COD Modern Warfare 2. That's the only game (for the time being) that he wants. He was shot in the left shoulder while serving with the 1/8 in Iraq in November 2004. He swears that he doesn't have PTSD, b/c the VA says he's "fine".

According to Military.com PTSD is:

What does PTSD look like? The following are key symptoms among the combat veterans we care for:
• Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts and perceptions (seeing a comrade's dead body or experiencing flashbacks of the sounds of explosions and screaming)- He NO longer has this anymore as it has been many years.

• Recurrent and distressing nightmares of the traumatic event- He says he nvr had nightmares

• Intense psychological distress when exposed to cues or reminders of any aspect of the trauma- So far so good.

• Extreme physical reactivity (e.g., racing pulse, sweating, intense fear) when exposed to any cues or reminders of the trauma- Again so far so good.

• Persistent avoidance of any reminder (e.g., conversations, thoughts, activities, places, and people) of the traumatic event- HE WLL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TALK ABOUT IRAQ TO ANYONE. PERIOD. THE. END.
• A general numbing in responsiveness; the person feels detached and estranged from others and may have little range in emotion and few strong feelings- For a while after he got out of the Marines he was very emotionally detached. He has gotten 100% better. I would know better then anyone & his personal relationships, esp. w/his parens have gotten so much closer.

• A sense of a foreshortened future; having come close to death, the person sees it as immanent- This is so opposite of him. He looks FAR IN TO THE FUTURE.
• Hypervigilance (constantly scanning the environment for danger)- He does this. Always.
• Exaggerated startle response (especially to sudden movement or loud noises)- Yes.
• Poor concentration- Sometimes yes. Sometimes No. Depends.

• Irritability/anger- Easily. OMG yes.

• Disturbances in one's ability to sleep- He has the WORST insomnia. esp when he was in FL for school. He has the weirdest sleep schedule. It has gotten better now that we live together but still not great.

Im no DR & don't claim to be, but in my UN-expert opinion he has a slight case of PTSD that I am sure has gotten better with time. As do most aliments. Is that reason not to play COD? Not necessarily. But is reason to be on edge. I am a worrier.

But I am not one to let him KNOW I am worried about it, well at first I didn't lead on that I was worried. I told our friend Andy, who was in the Air Force & has a PS3 & this damn game, about my concerns, he told me I was retarded. I kept my mouth shut. That is until M says:

"Baby, this is awesome, I feel like im in Iraq again"

I had no idea what to say to that. I still don't know what to say.

As I look around our room on out short book case I see his Purple Heart , his ribbons, a bracelet that was worn in his honor by one of his family members & a knife from Iraq.



On our entertainment center he has books from his MEU & maps from Iraq, etc... Then on EACH wall there is something from his time in the Marines. Wether it be a picture from Bootcamp, his award certificate from when he was awarded his Purple heart, His Cert. from being a part of Operation Iraqi Freedom, etc...



His dress uniforms are in camo garment bags in our closet & his other uniforms are in "space saver" bags under our bed. We put them in there on the evening of Jan 5- his OFFICIAL LAST DAY in the Corps, the last day that the Marines could call him up.

We are surrounded by constant reminders of his time served. Which in itself is wonderful. I love it.

I love this man. He is a GREAT boyfriend, whom I plan on spending the rest of my life with, we have discussed OUR future, he is a great daddy to E. I am just scared that I am gong to loose HIM... that he is going to slip back to SGT. Back to who he was when he was in the corps. He is a GOOD man, a good man who is [still] slightly suffering from a serious illness that 98% of our military suffer from. PTSD.

I see it even if he REFUSES to see it. I will be damned if I let a game pull him into a hole.

This is a pic of one of the scenes from him playing the other night... LOOK how REAL that looks!



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"Not Me Monday"

Well today IS THE BIG DAY! Welcome to KANDID KELLI- Southern Belle to Yankee Doodle! I felt that name was fitting b/c I am always so kandid about my life's happenings here with all my freaders & I have gone from the South to the North. Self explanatory? Yes.

If you are reading this in GReader or the like click HERE to check out the blogs facelift!! Then go HERE & tell Erin how AMAZING she is & rave about how much you love it. I just want to say a BIG thank you to her for all her hard work. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look. It's crisp & clean. Simple & perfect.

Now onto...

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Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. You can also check out Hailey @ Be Serious & see what she has not been up too.

-I did not dump my purse out on the floor of my car looking for my ringing iphone that was in my coat pocket. It was not a wrong number.

-I did not tell my toddler (21mons) that we were staying in the bathroom, her on the potty till she went & sat in front of the door b/c I got annoyed that 2 mins after I re-diapered her she would go peepee and then tell me & ask to be changed. Not that it worked.

-I did not go out Saturday night with M & his buddies, for the first time in OVER A YEAR, for M's 27th birthday to the bar they "always" (M hasn't been been in ages) hang out at & I did not drink too much or have a blast meeting his friends for the first time.

-I did not play the Wii for over 90mins Sunday evening while the grandparents had E for the day. I was not childless for the day & instead of napping or READING. I did not waste 90 mins playing Family Game Night 2 followed by some serious house cleaning.

-I did not the New Shinedown CD, that has the song that M has been pining for all weekend, on my iPod & he was not shocked when he realized there is more then just country on that bad boy.

-I did not trip on NOTHING in the middle of the grocery store & go to catch myself on the dayquil/nightquil display. So much for discreetness.

-I did not buy my WONDERFUL b/f a PS3 for his birthday with COD Modern Warfare 2 in-tow- yah what a colossal mistake that was. He's not fully addicted, Yet. I know it's coming.

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**What do you think of the new name/ look?**
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I hope everyone has a wonderful week & I hope to see you all back here tomorrow @ Kandid Kelli

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"Daddy Little Angel"

I am working on a "real" entry. Just bare with me. It MIGHT come later today or on MONDAY with the BIG reveal. (Thanks Erin )

I just have a lot to do today. I am going to buy my books & activate my I.D. card (I have to go to the colleges library to activate it). This will be the FIRST time since Sunday, E & I have left the house. I started potty training her Sunday. We have been making trips to the potty every 20/25 mins. It has been an adventure. I have talked to a few other SAHMs about what they have/are doing to potty train their 2/3 year olds and we are all doing about the same things.

I am also going to call the Early Learning Center/ Day Care that is affiliated with my college, that I am looking into putting E into 2 days a week.I want to tour it & get all the details. I want her to be around some kids her own age, It will be good for her. She loves playing with/around her cousins (luke is about 5 mons oldler then her, MG is 2 yrs older, Jori is about 3 yrs older and Will is about a yr younger). I don't need her in school 5 days a week b/c I am home during the day but It will be nice to have the 2 days she's in school to study and concentrate on my HW & maybe have some "mama time".

So with ALL that said. I am going to leave you with this ADORABLE picture of M & E (& a few of her babies) watching TV before bedtime. If this doesn't melt your heart... then well you must have a heart made of ice.



He loves her so much & her him. Def. a daddy's girl. It justs brings me to my knees.

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Only [3days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
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-Kelli-Sue

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"A. S. K."

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/KelliSue

Only [4days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!

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-Kelli-Sue

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"Convo w/a Toddler"

Picky eater doesnt begin to describe E. She has created her own dang food pyramid. I am surprised that the child grows as quickly as she does. During lunch E points at the banana's and asks for one:

Me: Are you going to eat it for real? or are you just faking it?
E: Yes mama
i asked her 3 times if she was gunna eat it
E: "yessssss mama"
Me: Promise emmy?
E: "YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Nana!!! [pointing] Peeeese!"

So I open the banana for her, one bite and shes done. I just love toddlers!!

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photo courtesy Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie via Flickr

While I was sitting on the couch catching up on my E-mails & blogs drinking my coffee. E was in & out of the family room back & forth to her room for more toys.

E: Mama I go byebye [shes in only a diaper bc we're potty training and thats the quickest to get off her]
Me: You're going to go byebye?
E: Yah. Byebye [Walks away & waves]
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
E: Byebye [Walks towards the basement/garage door]
Me: Um excuse me, we are classy folks. To go in public you need clothing missy!
E: Oh [touches her bare belly & runs towards her room]
-I hear the closet door open-
E: Help Mama Help!!!
Me: [I walk in there, She in INSIDE her NONwalk-in closet] Yes dear?
E: I go byebye. Help? [points up]
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Only [4days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
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-Kelli-Sue

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"Letter to Me"

A while ago [probably about a yr] I saw a few people do something similar to this & as I was laying in bed this yesterday AM; I woke up @ 750 - 10 minutes before E & was just thinking when I heard "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley. I then thought how much easier college and the year following would have been if I would have had a letter to myself telling me what to expect. I start grad school in EXACTLY ONE WEEK & I find myself wishing I knew what to expect. Hindsight is 20/20- So here is a letter guiding me through my FIRST 4 years of college and the year leading me to present day & GRADUATE school. I am going to be brutally honest with myself. This is probably one of the most honest posts I will ever write. Bare with me.



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Dear 18 Year Old KS,

You made the right decision by walking away from him. Keep walking and don't look back. He's not right for you. You think you want to spend forever with him, but you can't even trust him. He will be the reason you and your dad's family won't speak for over 4 months & you won't know about Alicia being pregnant. Focus on your freshman year, make friends. Don't focus on him. Don't come home every chance you get, temping as it may be. It's very self destructive. You will get pregnant, by him & then have a late term miscarriage. Stay up at college, have fun. spare the heartache.

Marines are hawt, YES. Fun to party with, YES. Good friends, yes. Great penpals, def. Good boyfriends- No way. They will break your heart. Each & everyone of them. I know it is going to seem like you're a magnet for them that they are around EVERY corner you turn- but you need to some how break the trend, stop turning the corners & your head. There is one Marine, in particular who is going to shred your heart & the worst part? You left him. Years later you won't even remember why, but you will still think about. It was bad.

The boys won't be your only heartbreaks. The girl(s) you meet will break your heart even worse. They are not solely to blame, you had your hand in the ending of friendship(s) and the mudslinging too, but somethings you couldn't control. Sex is not a game, although she (they) thought it was. You weren't clear on your feelings for him b/c you were scared you hadn't felt that way since J. Don't be scared. Don't let that happen. Be open & honest. Don't let her stand in your way. She will have a way of getting in your way. If you become happy & she isn't she will find a way to make you unhappy. If she doesn't like what guy you're with or she does like him she will do what it takes so you don't have him anymore. Beware. She isn't all bad but she also isn't all that good; For you. You can certainly find a better friend.

Don't fight over petty things with your friend of 18+ yrs. Go make up. Your in a fight right now. Go say your sorry and get ice cream. Have a girls day of shopping. Just make up. She will one day be your daughters GodMother & a damn good one. She is a great friend and you know. You will need her the most when you're in a fight, so don't fight with her. It really is simple. Hug her a lot & tell her she is your BFF. Don't take her for granted, ever. Before you know it you won't be with in driving distance anymore & you will miss her.

Concentrate on your studies. I know that this is cliche, but its is so true. You are smart & know what you are doing PR is right up your ally. You don't NEED to go out if you have a paper or test due or even if you have an early AM class the next day. Your social standing will not be ruined if you say "NO" once or twice. Thats what the weekend is for, Trust me. You will wish one day that your GPA is better & that you read that chapter for the popquiz.

Don't stress out too much pretty girl. You will have some hurdles but you will graduate in 4 years. There will be some [crazy] bumps in the road, don't let that detour you; You just need to look inside and find your determination. You will get there don't worry.

You have always wanted to be a wife and mother. You got the wife part for a very short time. Not even for 6 months & to the very, very wrong man. But b/c of him you got your daughter. She is your life.

After you have been out of college for about a year you will feel lost and unsure about your life & your daughter will help you find yourself. She will help you find your "calling" b/c its not what you get your bachelors in. You will make a huge decision and move, that turns out to be for the best. You decide to go to graduate school in PA. Moving in with your boyfriend and his family [temporarily] Your little family becomes your life.

Your classes will be at night so you can continue to be a SAHM during the day. You will love the sound of your toddler playing and laughing, toddling though the house. Silence will make you wonder what's going on. Wow Wow Wubbzy adding to the noise level as you unload & reload the dishwasher while your toddler eats her breakfast & milk in the AM, while your coffee brews is all but exciting but its the life you love. The life you wouldn't trade for anything

But, you will have days, when your toddler won't listen, you have a lot of HW, the potty training seems to be too much to do on your own, your boyfriend is still just that- your boyfriend, he isn't at home to deal with the mundane crap, like the never ending laundry dishes or toys always EVERYWHERE. You could just use a break, from well LIFE, b/c it just doesn't seem to be enough. You're going to want more, you look around and want more then what you have, but you're going to be living on one income & have student loans to cover your private school education.

There will be days that you're going to cry in the shower, b/c you're going wish that you nvr married "him" b/c you wanted to have the career that came with the degree, the freedom that came with being childless, you see what your friends have. You want the ability to go shopping for that swanky new outfit or those trendy new shoes when you want them instead of saving for diapers or clothes for your daughter b/c your child grows so damn fast it blows your mind. But then, she will say mama and you will snap out of it and realize you got everything you wanted: The boy Man of your dreams that even in a hurry never forgets to give you a kiss before he leaves for work in the AM & calls your everyday during his lunch even if its just for minute. The beautiful child who is perfect in every way. The home. The multiple degrees. You might not have gotten it in the traditional manner but you got it. Just wait & your boyfriend will be ore then just your boyfriend.

...

If I would have had this when I started my undergrad life would have been easier. I don't have a manual or letter for when I start grad school in a week [7days]. I am going in blind. My life is 100% different & my priorities are different. I am hoping that this time around I will have a better experience.

**If you could write a letter to yourself- how old would you be & what would you say?**

...

Only [5days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
...

-Kelli-Sue

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"Mail Time"

I have the damn song from "Blue's Clues" - "Mail Time" stuck in my head. So I thought it appropriate for todays title. These slew of "Love" letters are well over due. We are over 3 weeks into 2010. I am slacking here.



...

Dear Ole Faithful,

You failed me Saturday. The turnpike?! Really?! Really?! It took me over 2hrs to get to little miss Es playdate @ Michelle & Brandon's house when it should've taken me about an hr! WTF?! Not only did you cause me to waste precious gas, but my TIME. We are not friends anymore until you do right by me. Get crackin, you hear.

Annoyed,
Owner of a 5.5 yr old MDX GPS
...

Dear PA Weather,

I love that I am able to now accessorize with coats, scarves and BOOTS! Yes the boots, mainly my UGGS are great but please make up your mind. One day its 15* the next its 50* and raining. Gross. I experienced snow that was great, fun & cold. I don't need anymore. Mainly b.c I am scared to drive in it.

Thank You in advance,
Floridan gone North
...

Dear Friendly Bathroom Scale,

I have been [trying] to stick to the plan as best as possible. I am not the cook. My snacks [minus the reeses and the doughnuts this weekend] are Weight Watchers friendly. I hope when I weigh-in Wed AM @ 9:30 I am down a few lbs. PLEASE OH PLEASE!! I beg of you!!

Desperately,
New-[ish] Lifetime Member
...

Dear Leggins,

I love you. I love you more then my favorite jeans. I love you esp. paired with my UGGS or my J.Simpson thigh high boots & no matter what anyone says I will wear you as pants [when I have a long enough sweater or tunic]. Yes thats right PANTS! Judge away you judgers, but you know wear em too.

Lovingly,
Proud Legging Wearer
...

Dear Toddlers of the World,

...or the one in the bedroom down the hall. I have instated a NEW rule. Well its not that new but for someone who isn't quite 2 yrs old its new. Its called SLEEPING IN. Its this thing where we sleep till at least 9am. NOT 6:freaking45 on a Saturday AM!!! Lets try it out this weekend, see how we like it [hint: we will like it] & go from there. Okay?

Tiredly,
Mama Bear
...

Only [6days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
...

-Kelli-Sue

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"Not Me Monday"

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. You can also check out Hailey @ Be Serious & see what she has not been up too.

-I did not drive over an hour out of my way Saturday on the way to E's playdate @ my sister-in-laws . I certainly did not in the process get on the Turnpike & did not call M @ work freaking out b/c I didn't have any cash & did not pull over and count out change laying around my car.

-I did not pig out Saturday night by making homemade pizza for dinner followed by doughnuts & reeses for dessert. oops. (I am not Lifetime on Weight Watchers or anything)

-I did not make fun of M for getting pizza on his shirt and I did not even 2 mins later drop my entire piece, "face first" on the front of my new light purple HAND WASH ONLY sweater.

-I did not spill sling vegetable soup ALL over the kitchen b/c I thought it was another tupperware & when I quickly pulled it open while taking to M, while he was in the other room and soup did not fling all over the kitchen, I did not yell a string of obscenities and my 21mon old was not standing in the doorway; laughing.

-I did not but E a new Wow Wow Wubbzy movie b/c I was going out of my mind watching/hearing the same one OVER & OVER & OVER again.

-I def. did not get Britney Spears & Beyonce mixed up on our way home from Best Buy & M did not correct me. How does that happen?

...

Only [7days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!

...

-Kelli-Sue

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"Beautiful does NOT come in a size"

Photo courtesy sungazing via Flickr.

Lauren over @ BusyBeeLauren wrote a blog a few days ago about having body image issues [BII].

To be honest, I don't know a woman who doesn't have them. I think every woman has something they don't [fully] like about their body, from one time or another. I KNOW I DO.

There were a few parts that stood out at me, this one part in particular:

"I have people tell me, "you are so thin!" but i look in the mirror and very literally see a fat girl staring back at me. it's weird though, because I see such beautiful women who might weigh a lot more than me, but i think they look amazing and gorgeous!"

Lauren is a beautiful woman in my opinion, but it doesn't matter what I think, she needs to feel it herself. Just like my mom, boyfriend, friends, random people can tell me how beautiful I am but until I look at myself and feel it, it is just words, VERY NICE WORDS, but words none the less, from other people.

I am a very petite woman @ only 5'0- 5'1. I weigh 120lbs, it took me a staggering 19mons to get to that weight from 185lbs.

I got up to 187.5 the day I gave birth. Now you say well KS you were pregnant. Yes I was, but to that I say I ONLY gained 35lbs. Before I got pregnant I had put on a lot of weight. I was in an unhealthy relationship.

I was a dancer for most of my life [18+yrs]. Whether it be ballet, jazz, lyrical, pointe, tap, I even tried my had at hip-hop; No matter what it was I was always moving. That helped keep me in shape but I always thought I was fat, no matter what. I was always trying to loose weight. I always wanted to look like "Her". "She" was so thin. I danced well into college, so when I gained the aforementioned weight, my BII were worse then ever.

I had been successful on WeightWatchers in the past so I joined when I had gained & wasn't loosing, I was gaining, slowly. What was wrong with this picture? I was sticking to the plan.

I WAS PREGNANT. While pregnant I stayed healthy & gained as directed by my doctor. I not only gained weight but the ever feared stretch marks [SM].

Anyone who knows me or knew me back in 2006 [I was 20], when I was at my smallest of 115-117 & my fittest, I was going to the gym 5 days a week, I was dancing 4 hrs a week in a ballet class, a 90 min pointe class & 2 other class knows I was "proud" of my accomplishment [yet still thought I could loose 5 more lbs].

So those SM were devastating. But I knew that I wanted to try to be thin again so I set a goal. I wasn't going to let anything/one stand in my way.

I knew what worked for ME. I wanted to be healthy again & lets face it being 185 and at 5'1 thats not healthy.

I had a hearty goal ahead of me: 65lbs. But as I lost it, I talked about it, I celebrated it, b/c thats what you do! Be happy celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how big or small.

Here another part of her blog that stuck out at me:

"So yes, I am losing weight. and yes, it might seem like a lot to some people. And yes, some people might be mad that I am openly discussing my weight loss, but it is all because I want to feel better about myself."

Thats what its about people. If it makes YOU feel better about YOURSELF to talk about TALK. Loosing weight is a HARD thing to do so when it is achieved I say SHOUT it from the rooftops!!


It took me 20 months to come to terms with my SM and realize they are no big deal. THEY ARE HERE TO STAY. I will NEVER be a size 2. I am happy at my size 6. Sometimes I can fit into a 4, thats RARE, but I am happy. I am healthy.

I DON'T want my daughter to grow-up in a house thinking she has to be a STICK to be beautiful. I don't want her to have the same BII I had growing up, ALWAYS thinking she needs to loose weight.

I am 23 years old & I am not saying that I will look in the mirror and never think to myself oh I need to loose x# of lbs but I think I have finally come to a point in my life where I have learned how to feel beautiful & how to teach my daughter what beautiful is, despite what America says what beautiful is.

BEAUTIFUL doesn't come in a size. BEAUTIFUL is all in how you carry yourself. BEAUTIFUL is how you feel in your own skin.

DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL TODAY!
(as long as its healthy!)

Tell me WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL?



...

Have a good weekend yall.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Convo w/a Toddler"

photo courtesy of sesame ellis via flickr

My child is smart.

Sometimes too smart for her own good.

On Tuesday we ventured up to my college to buy books, get my student i.d. & graduate parking sticker (yes it is different from under grad parking stickers).

I called upon M's bestfriend of over 18yrs, and a good friend of mine Andy, to see if he would like to go w.us. He said yes. Some adult conversation is what I was shooting for!!

After chasing E around for a little while, I caught her. I feel like a damn hog hunter some days & E is the hog. Except I don't have a weapon. Bear hands folks.

Anywho, I bundled lil E up, its cold in these here parts, low 20's on Tues. She HATES her heavy coat. Well tough cookies. I thought to myself "I will heat the car and she will only have to wear it while we walk around campus." One less fight today. I am a genius!!! So I did just that.

On our way down to the garage (car heated):

Me: E lets go, we're going to get Uncle Andy & to go out for a bit to Mama's school.
E: Shakes her head no, Meme play.
Me: I hand her, her coat. You carry this to car we're leaving. You want to bring that with you?
E: No!! (starts whimpering)
Me: (I open the door towards the basement/garage) Come on Doodle, Lets go get uncle Andy.
E: Hold Me mama. Peeese?
Me: Hold your coat, please & my keys.
E: She jumps up. Mama it cold here (shes wearing leggings under cords, a long sleeved shirt under a sweater) The garage wasn't that cold, it was only ope a sliver so I could turn the car on safely & the car was warm already.
Me: Its fine, you didn't want to wear your jacket, the car is nice and toasty.
E: [making a confused face]
I open the car door.
E: It HOT mama.

Never happy this one. LoL.

We get to Andy's, He gets in and we chit chat, he's only a few mins away from the school I will be attending. Once we get there I realize its time for WWIII, b/c It's time to FORCE her coat on her. Now realize she LOVES her snowsuit, b/c she knows what that means, but her coat, no way jose.

Me: We're here. Yay! Ready to get in your stroller and get out hon?
E: YAYAYAYAYA!!!
M: I know sweetie. It's gunna be fun, we all just gotta put out jackets on, its cold outside, brrrr.
E: No. Cold. [puts her hands up to stop me]
Me: You don't want to be cold do you?
E: Yes. No mama.
Andy: Okay E it's time to put on your jacket. Then we can get out of our carseat.
E: Yah.
Me: Slide her arms in and its on. I was too shocked for words.
Andy: Big girl. Lets get in your stroller.
Me: Okay, let me make sure your in okay. Yup you're in! Want your shades?
E: Cank ou Mama.

We wet over to the Security office for my I.D. and parking pass and she threw on her charm. This kid knows how to put on a show. One of the security officers ended up giving me some suckers for her. She was such an angel while we were in the office she got one. Once to the car though I took it away. **CHOKING HAZARD**

Me: Thank you. (as I just take it)
E: No mama. Meme's & starts wailing.
Me: Yes baby. You can't have that while mommy is driving it could hurt you.
E: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. (Screaming & kicking)
Me: Would you like your cup and a animal cracker?
E: uhhuh (all whinny like)
Andy: Want some milk & a cokkie
Andy to me: Shes smiling again

WTF...is he like the dman baby whisper? He says exactly what I say and shes better! That;s it Im taking him EVERYWHERE with me from now on!

Either that or she enjoys saying yes to others and not me. She enjoys running from mommy and not from others. She How smart this little sucker is?

Im going with the latter.

Once we get back to Andy's house after lunch & he gets out to leave he says bye to us and bye to e and the crying commences- again. She LOVES her uncle Andy. She had BIG ole crocodile tears. poor baby.

Me: Baby its okay. Uncle Andy has to go home now.
E: (crying) Why?
Me: Calm down. B/c he does this is where he lives.

Crying slows down.

E: Boy my home?

I think she was asking if he cold come to her home... Im not sure i ignored it, she fell asleep. She is TOO young to be asking if boys can live with her! oy.

...

I know you're wondering about the blog facelift. It's coming Erin @ MyWayThisTime is making some headway. But some close friends of hers were involved in a fire last week & she has been trying to help them, duh, you can check that out here & here & if you would like to help them contact her. She has an awesome blog, Check her out.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Being Mom is a Hard Thing to Do"

Hailey over at Be Serious : Wrote about how "Being Mama is a Hard Thing to Do" a few days ago & I agree.

I am going to follow suit today!

Its basically about our worst parenting moments as a mother.

There are many things that I think about NOW and just smile or laugh about. They were totally not funny at the time, but they are now. I have so many esp. being that until 2.5 weeks ago I was for the most part a single mom.

I am sharing these with you, hoping that yall WON'T be all judge-yMcjudgerson- Now without further ado...

-Right after E was born, she was about a week old I told Hayls that my kid looked more like an alien baby then like a human baby. Then I proceeded to cry b/c you couldn't take babies back.

-There was the time that I had E in her bumbo seat on the island and I had baked "Monkey Bread" for M & Uncle Andy. I turned my back to turn the oven off and clean up the kitchen & w/a few kicks of her little legs E managed to kick my Beautifully glazed "monkey bread" of the island onto the kitchen floor Shattering the adorable platter it was on and brownsugar glaze flew everywhere. I yelled said loudly so may cuss words I would've put a sailor to shame; I moved her seat to the floor, opposite the "MB" and walked away, for like 10 minutes.

-I loved the times when E would't want to eat her babyfood, so I would try and shove it in her mouth and she would let me & then spit it back in my face or on the floor. I would then tell her I was going to give her away if she didn't shape up (I would nvr in a million yrs give her away!).

-I once told E that if she didn't let me out on her socks/shoes "Jackfrost" was gunna come take her toes away. She was "scared good" all day.

-There are days when E just won't listen for anything she opens & closes cabinets, doors etc and I tell her when she slams her fingers in them I am going to let her fingers fall off b/c I am too busy to run her to the DR to fix them.

-E bit me, it drew blood so I bit her back lightly but it scared her (i swear it wasn't hard)

-She pitches a fit, kicks and screams when she has to get her diaper changed so I tell her to do it her self or go on the potty. When she says "Help Mama" I say "No" till she say "Peepee in here mama" I make her lay quietly while I change her. Its like a min or 2 till she can go play again.

-Sometimes if she wont eat a healthy lunch I will give her anything just so she has something.

-There was also the time I locked E in the car, in 80* weather, I was nervously laughing & crying. She was sleeping till- The fire dept. was called and they couldn't get into my car. My b/f who is a mech. couldn't get into my car. Finally the fire chief called, Pop-a-lock, they got into my car free of charge.

As Hailey said I agree:
"What are your not-so-proud moments as a mother? Make me feel better" - PLEASE Comment (or do this and link me...) I need to feel better about myself!



----
OKAY FREADERS, I have BIG, AND I MEAN MONUMENTAL NEWS:

Coming SOON- Erin @ MyWayThisTime is designing it for me, there will be a NEW NAME and LOOK here @ The Urban Cowgirl. So keep your eyeballs peeled its gunna be fab.

-Kelli-Sue

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"A little Privacy, Please?"

For anyone who knows me, knows I am anything but modest.

Pre-mama days I would go to the bathroom and not close the door [all the way]. I really didn't care. THINGS CHANGE.

I was raised w.my 5 cousins. My Gran wanted/NEEDED to know where ALL of us were, ALL of the time, can NOT loose a kid.

So keeping the door open a lil was the easiest way to hear if you were called, you could shout back.

FF to present day.

As you all know I moved in with my b/f (to go to grad school). To save some money we are currently living with his parents [just for a few months]. So leaving the door open flew right out the window, except during the day when it's just me and doodle.

During the day I leave the door open so I can hear/see what E is doing, unless she decides that she wants to watch me go. I don't get stage fright or anything, its just uncomfortable to have my 21mon old daughter to stare at me while I am doing my business.

Well around 4:30/5:00 when Rick comes home the door begins to close. I am not about to pee in front of my FIL. Aint happenin. Well E has a different idea.

NO MATTER WHAT SHE IS DOING. NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS IN THE HOUSE, SHE WILL COME RUNNING WHEN SHE HEARS THE BATHROOM DOOR SHUT & SHE BANGS ON IT SCREAMING "Mama!! Open. MAMA!! MeMe in MaaaaaMaaaaa"

When you're a mother, you loose all "you" time.

I find solace during nap time(s). In which I take my shower, catch-up on my e-mails, blogs, the interwebs & the like. needless to say naptime flies by. I try to schedule a blog for the following day but there's usually not enough time.

I know the lack of privacy and me time will get worse before it will get better & I am totally okay with that. I am beyond bless to get to see my princess grow-up the way I have. I would not trade any of it for the world.

We are entering all new territory. The "whys" and the "Terrible 2's" Provides me with plenty of blog fodder (thats the right word? right?).

-----

OKAY FREADERS, I have BIG, AND I MEAN MONUMENTAL NEWS:

Coming SOON- Erin @ MyWayThisTime is designing it for me, there will be a NEW NAME and LOOK here @ The Urban Cowgirl. So keep your eyeballs peeled its gunna be fab.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Silence is NOT Golden"

I like a loud home. One where my doodle is laughing and playing. Talking and babbling. I like hearing the pitter patter of her tiny feet running through the house.

The minute it gets quite, it better mean ONE thing- SHE IS ASLEEP.

If its not 10:30am, 3:00pm or 8:15pm- all 3 of which are sleepy time in my house hold- It usually means she is into something they are not supposed to be into.

E is small for being almost 2, she is TALL & LANKY (unlike me, I am short), but VERY flexible. She seems to be able to maneuver herself into some tight spots, "to check stuff out". Usually after I have told her a firm "No". she gets two tries before a timeout.

Not to mention the climbing, all over EVERYTHING & the jumping off. [Insert Heart attack, here.]

I am all about exploring, thats how children learn & grow. That helps them feel independent and what not but I worry about things that could hurt her.

I am not a hoover mom, by any means. I never have been. But I do go into her room or the living/family room after a few mins & peek in just to see what she's doing- she doesn't always want to play with mom. She is content playing with her toys and her "friends" (dolls & stuffed animals).

We moved from a 2 story death trap house were Doodle was only permitted to play in the bonus playroom [above the garage that was babygated off], Unless she had a chaperone to watch her every move downstairs.

To a one story, well the master is upstairs but a babygate blocks the stairs, so its mostly a 1 story (minus the basement) house; Where doodle is free to roam about everywhere, no chaperone needed.

E loves her newfound freedom, she also loves all the new stuff there is to get into. The house is pretty much baby proofed, but not really.

Lets just leave the major exploring to Dora & unless my doodle is asleep I want loud laughs & gut giggles. None of that quite stuff.

----
OKAY FREADERS, I have BIG, AND I MEAN MONUMENTAL NEWS:

Coming SOON there will be a NEW NAME and LOOK here @ The Urban Cowgirl. So keep your eyeballs peeled.

Have a good weekend yall.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Pick & Choose-y"

So remember HERE when I said there would be an adjustment period when I moved in with M? Well that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I know some of you never considered me a single parent, b/c I lived with my parents. But I was.

They were NOT live-in babysitters.

Fri-Sun they were "not available" to watch little E. Usually Tue/Thurs were out of the question too b/c my step-dad was home by 3-330 at the latest. They are season-ticket holders for the Orlando Magic, On a bowling league, etc... They had lives of their own. They are young, my mom being 45 and step-dad 53.

I lived under their roof but I have been the one raising E. [Mostly] alone. When She was sick or up all night, I was up with her. Alone. I enrolled her in swimming lessons & made sure she never missed one lesson (mostly) alone. Hayls came sometimes.

It really seemed as if my parents were very "hands-off" type of Grandparents. They never once took her somewhere, unless I was with them to deal with E when she got difficult. If they babysit for any reason I was left to feel guilty for it.

Yes financially they helped MORE THEN I CAN BEGIN TO TELL you.

But all-in-all I was/am a SINGLE PARENT. But I digress.

On Sunday M, E and I had plans to go to this HUGE mall, thats about an hour away from where we live so we planned on leaving at nap time so E would sleep on the way there and not be a grump. Well she was crabby when we were about to leave, which was perfect, it meant she was tired! But she didnt want to adorn her coat. It was 27degrees out! Def in need of a jacket. I forced it on her while M was holding her. Her screams could be heard in another county. We had to force her into her car seat. She was pissed. Lovely.

Well once she was securely strapped in & M got into the car she started crying for her 'baba' (pacifier) I told M NOT to go get the one from her crib b/c we had 3 EXACTLY like that one in the diaper bag (yet she didn't want those) & when she hit 24 mons she was done w.the baba. She is 21mons now. Well she continued to cry for that certain baba till she passed out.

M looked over at me and said "Kelli you CAN NOT pick when I get to be a parent, either I am daddy or I am not"

That made me really think, In E's almost 2 yrs I have never had to consult "another parent" EVER.

I have complete and sole custody of E. GD has NO say in how she is raised. Nor does he care. The last time I saw him he told me the sooner M adopted her (by way of Step-Parent Adoption) the better. [Keep in mind that M & I have to be married first for this to happen]

I mean M has been around since E was only 4mons old, thats MOST of her life. But until 2 weeks ago we nvr lived together. So he wasn't ALWAYS around & didn't really have a say in how she was raised.

I didn't have to ask anyone when I waned to get her haircut for the first time or when I wanted to take her to her first petting zoo or to her first amusement park on on her first vacation/air plane ride. I didn't have to ask anyone when I out my infant then toddler in swimming lessons. I had full reins on what we did and when we did it.

It may have taken two to make her, but it sure as hell has taken ONE. ME (with a little help here and there from family members) to raise her.

We're adjusting, to living together and to raising a child together. E is adjusting to having two parents full time & dada not "living" in the phone.

She still won't let him put her to bed, but she will let him give her a tubbie. She is back to uninterrupted sleep & eating fairly well (for her anyways).

I know moving down the road or seven states away takes adjusting & that is just what we are doing.

I am also working on letting M be dad. Its hard for me to not always hover over him when hes doing his thing with her but its becoming easier.

Saturday will be the test. M gets off early (noon) and will be home before 1. I am going to get my nails done. So he will have an hr of daddy daughter time. Lets see how well I handle it.
----

OKAY FREADERS, I have BIG, AND I MEAN MONUMENTAL NEWS:

Coming SOON there will be a NEW NAME and LOOK here @ The Urban Cowgirl. So keep your eyeballs peeled.

Have a good weekend yall.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Convo w/a Toddler"

As I have mentioned a few times before E is nearing 2yrs old. She def. knows what is going on around her. When you have a child or if you're a fairy godmother you find yourself in the Dr.s office, A LOT. mostly for well baby check-ups, but also for some, not-so-well baby apts.



E used to LOVE going to the DR. Until her 15mon check-up.

At said check-up she got the MMR (Measles, Mumps & Rubella) along with 2 others. She does relatively well with her shots. She previously nvr spiked a fever or anything like that. Well that night she spiked a 104.2 degree fever. I called the office @ 230a. They told me to give her Tylenol & put her in a luke warm bath for 20/30 mins till it broke. That was all good until 3hrs later she had a 102.6 degree fever again. WTF?! did she have M?M?orR? with our luck she would be the 1% that actually got one of them. So I took her in to the office first thing the next AM. NOTHING was keeping her fever down. We went a day w.out being in the office but then we were back in the office on Saturday. Come to find out E had infantile Rosiolla. So then it was only a matter of time before her entire body broke out into a rash. Poor baby. It was horrible.

So ever since those string of apts she has HATED the DR. With good reason. Well as most of you know we made a huge move a few days after Christmas. We moved like over 1100+mi away from home, So I can attend graduate school. With that move came COLD WEATHER & SNOW. Two things Floridans aren't used too.

Christmas Eve (24th) E contracted her FIRST EVER ear infection. Yes, I said Christmas eve. She also thought It cool to puke up her antibiotics. So M & I were driving all over Gods great creation to find her shot form of it, b/c her DRs office closed at noon on Xmas eve. Finally at 4ish we finally got her one, not to mention her 103degree fever all day, that tylenol refused to break. (we switched to motrin)

We moved to PA on the 28th... 4 SHORT days later. Obvi we didnt have a pediatrician yet, but her DR assured us she was fine, we saw him the AM of the 28th. Just follow-up with DR. So & So (her dr is from this area, small world I know) in two weeks. Other then that, E is fine! Great finished packing Mom took us to the airport and away we went. Arrived w.out a single problem, all was good.

Until New Years day. Kiddo is FINE all day, nap time rolls around I lay her down, she wakes up, but M & I gotta run up to the store, Rick & Jane say they don't mind watching her. She seemed a lil cranky but we won't be gone long. We get back no longer then 25mins later, she is still on Ricks lap, unheard of for my lil mover & shaker. I go pick her up. SHE IS BURNING UP! Take her temp= 104.2!!!! OMG, Tylenol & a luke warm bath asap.

I freak b.c I know the name of the ped. we're gunna go see in a week in a half but we haven't called him yet b/c E was supposed to be FINE (and its a HOLIDAY, I was gunna call and make her apt Mon). So I call anyways. I tell them our story. The On-Call RN tells me b/c we're not yet patients (and if it were her child) to take her to the ER.

On our way to the ER:

Me: Are you feeling better honey?
E: Shakes her head no.
Meanwhile I am a wreck, M is doing a good job of keeping me calm.
Me: Were gunna take you to feel better, okay?
E: No!! (starts whimpering)
We get there M takes us to the front door & tells us to get out and he will go park the car, its too cold to be walking from the garage with her.
Me: (I open her door and go to get her out) Come on honey, Do you want squirt to come?
E: COLDDD Mama! Cold. Yes irt come.
Me: Here put this in your mouth (her pacifier) I wrap her tightly in a blanket.
E: (Clinging to me)
Me: It will be okay honey (as we're walking into the ER)
E: [making a confused face] NOOOOOO, Me go home! Me go! (pointing towards the doors)
We get checked in & wait.
E sees M.
E: DADDDAAA!!!! Me gooo!!!
M: Soon baby, Soon.
E: NOT BABY!

M started to rub her back and she fell asleep but every time she woke up she kept saying "Me Go" or "Memmy Home"

We got taken back to a room where I laid with her on a bed. Anytime a nurse or DR walked into her room blood curdling screams came from her little 22lb body. While she was saying "Me Go Mama" "Me go dada"

While @ The hospital she spikes yet another 104degree fever. Motrin is given & they decide to give her yet another shot of antibiotics. They think she just had a viral infection. We had been there for 6 hrs already. They had taken urine, blood, did a strep swab & a chest x-ray- everything came back negative. Come on already Its almost 11pm. I want to get my baby home.

I go to the RR & hear a scream. The shot had been administered. "I GO!!! I GO NOW!!!!" was being said intermittently. We had to wait for a temp re-check and discharge papers but about 30 mins later we got to go.

Me: E you get to GO!!
E: YAYAYAYAYA!!! Dada meme gooo home! (huge smile on her face)
M: I know sweetie. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat (since she hadnt eaten since like 2 that afternoon)
E: No dada. My cup?
Me: You want some juice?
E: Yes. Peese. (peese= Please)
Me: Okay, let me get that for you. Here you go my precious.
E: Cank ou (Cank ou= Thank you) Mama.

She fell asleep before she even took a sip of her juice.

The next day (Saturday) We had to take her into the Peds office -- 1) as a follow-up from the ER & 2) to become an established patient. Just to get her in the car was a battle.

E: No mama.
Me: Yes baby. We're just going to run out for a bit.
E: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. (Screaming & kicking)
Me: Would you like Grammy to sit in the back with you?
E: uhhuh (all whinny like)

Once we're to the Drs office:

The crying commences- again.

Me: Baby its okay. He is going to make you feel better.
E: (crying)
Me: Relax hon, calm down. I hand her to Jane, M's mom. So I can sign her in & fill out forms.

Crying slows down.

They call us back:

E: No No NOOO I goooo!!!!
Me: come one honey.
...
You get the point.

Anytime we are near a Dr. or Nurse she is terrified (even if its for a well baby) & for good reason.

I know living in a place where 35degrees in the winter is considered a heat-wave is going to take some getting used to. And with a toddler who LOVES playing in the snow (which we have plenty of & more to come tomm).

I know the Dr is unavoidable. Hopefully she will grow out of her fear. If not we will work through the tears to keep her healthy.

-Kelli-Sue

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"Hey Show Yourself!"

This week is National Delurking Week. In honor of this, please delurk and make yourself known! Like most bloggers, there is a big discrepancy between the number of people who visit my blog daily and the number of commenters.

It’s easy to delurk. Leave a comment in the “reply” box below and let me know that you’re here reading along. Tell me how you found my blog. Tell me what your favorite post is. I want to hear from you!

Just remember to be nice. :)

-Kelli-Sue

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"Friend Quiz"

I got this idea from the lovely BB . She randomly posts the Q&A from the app on FB called Friend Quiz. Well I've never looked at the answers until today. I am bored, I can't go up to the college and buy my books just yet. I need to make sure everything with my financial aid is good.

So without further ado:

Do you think that Kelli S has ever stolen from work?
Friend Answer: Yes
Real Answer: HELL NO, I have respect for my employer

The above was followed by:

Do you think that Kelli Stephenson has a good work ethic?
FA: YES
RA: they are correct, yet someone thinks I would steal from work, but yet i have a good work ethic? hmm.

Do you think that Kelli S can do 20 pushups?
FA: Yes
RA: I wish. 15 if I'm lucky. Im way outta shape! oy.

Do you think that Kelli S has ever done anything they're ashamed of?
FA: No
RA: Hasn't everyone?

Do you think that Kelli S still sleeps with a teddy bear?
FA: No
RA: It's an elephant

Do you think Kelli S is cute?
3FA: Yes
1FA: No
RA: its nice to know 3 out of 4 of my "friends" on FB think I'm cute. LoL

Anyways I found those to be the mot amusing ones, there was about 50 of them. Ha.

I hope these at least made you smile. They did me.

Now I have to go wash up my STICKY toddler who is chowing down on an Orange flavored Candy Cane. Thx to Grampy aka "bop" E loves Candy Canes. Joy.

-Kelli-Sue

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"NO, It's NOT in the water..."

If I hear/see one more person say that "Im not drinking the water, EVERYONE [i wet to HS with] is getting pregnant" like its a bad thing, I will scream. Literally.

PEOPLE, we are not fresh out of HS... we graduated over 5 yrs ago! We're even out of college too.

Its not in the water. Its part of growing up.

It may seem as if "everyone is pregnant or married" but guess what? Just as many if not more are not. You only notice the coupled up or pregnant ones bc you have a heightened awareness & the mindset that its EVERYONE. Kind of like when you're going to buy a new car you see that same make/model, EVERYWHERE.

Some people aspire(d) to get married and start a family. Others wanted to "live out their 20s, fun & free" Both options are fine. To each their own.

But don't say that you're not going to "drink the water" bc you DONT want to get pregnant or b/c you're the only one who doesn't have a husband/kid you can't be friends with those people who do, anymore. Thats probably one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

Every person is different. If one decides to get married and start a family, then so be it. Just because its not the path you chose, DOESNT mean you can't you can't still associate with them. Or that it's wrong.

Just because someone had a kid or is married doesn't mean they have completely changed. I think its time we realize that we're NOT the only ones getting older. EVERYONE else is too.

-Kelli-sue

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"Target is the Mecca for ALL things"

Right? You need something you can usually get it (and more) at target.

Well over the Christmas season, I did A LOT of shopping at Target. I love that place and so does 5,000 other people. Well one day in particular, E was grumpy (it was almost nap time) Target was PACKED. I was rushing around so I could get out to get her home and asleep.

I wasn't really paying anyone attention. I mean E is enough for me to try and keep up with. Well the next thing I know I run SMACK dab into this adorable pregnant woman. I looked up to apologize, and I stopped mid sentence...

She looked eerily familiar.

We gave each this look; But she was the first to speak:

"You're the girl from the postoffice , right?"
"Yes I am, are you the surrogate I spoke with?"
"I am. My name is Deanna, I go by Dee though" (we had nvr exchanged names)
"Its nice to officially meet you, I am Kelli & this is my daughter E"
"Yes I couldn't forget her adorable little face"

Dee was there with her SIL, the woman who she is surrogating for. So I got to meet and talk with her as well. Dee is carrying a little girl. They had just come from the U/S, they were purchasing the first pink ANYTHING, Dee's gift to them, as she would do as the aunt. It just so happens this is a special situation.

I asked if they had a name yet, its Janice. Thanks to Hayls all I can of when I hear the name now is "Friends" and the annoying character that Chandler dated. Thanks hon!!

But after talking to her AND her SIL I am even more firm in my decision to be a surrogate in a few yrs after I have my second child, God willing. Just seeing the intense joy that Dee was bringing to her SIL, Sherrie. Really warmed my heart.

I hope one day I can do the same for one family. I know I will probably never see Dee or Sherrie again b/c of living 1100+ mi away but I wish them the best. I hope Dee has a safe and smooth delivery and that Janice is happy and healthy.

-Kelli-Sue

"5 yrs ago..."

[This was supposed to be posted on the 29th but Internet was down until today]

On 12/29/04 I lost my first child, @ 16.6 weeks to a partial miscarriage.

I do ask one thing of my readers, I don't mind sharing personal things with you all, if you choose to leave a comment please remember we are all adults. No one is forcing you to read this blog & there is no reason to leave mean or nasty comments. With that said...

Most look at a woman, esp. a younger woman with a child and assume it was easy for her to have that child. That is not always the case.

A lot of women suffer through miscarriages, in silence. Some choose not to talk about it or only talk to people close to them.

I have always, for as long as I can remember wanted to be a BRIDE, then A MOMMY. Well things don't always work out the way YOU planned. I feel HEAD OVER HEELS for a MAN 6 yrs my senior when I was 17 [he was 24, with a 4yr old]. He was my FRIST love, my FRIST everything. Well in one of my many "day" trips home from college I got pregnant. [I know exactly when it was but yall don't need that much info].

I didn't tell a SINGLE person. I was scared. I was 18. I was a freshman in COLLEGE. There was another girl in my dorm MOVING OUT, b.c she was pregnant. AND the father of the baby, my first love, was with another girl, one of my [then ex] friends. [I have let bygones be bygones] I am pro-life. I acted like nothing had changed. I went to my OB, alone. Confirmed, 8wks. I became DD, always, no one asked questions bc we had stopped drawing straws, I volunteered.

When I started to gain weight, visibly, most thought, freshman 15. My dance teacher was the first to ask "Are you pregnant? or do you need to go see our nutritionist?" I had to tell her b/c the excess weight was tearing up my toes (I danced pointe) & killing my ankles. I was put in a younger kid ballet class to keep my activity up & to stay healthy.

I had 2 u/s. One @ 8weeks5days when I was confirmed & one at 15weeks2days. At my 15.2 wk u/s the tech told me that if she was a betting woman she would say it was a girl, b/c the baby was "spread eagle and there was nothing "extra" in there but that I could schedule a gender scan in a few weeks to be sure. I wanted to be sure, you know before I broke the news to my family that I was having a baby.

So I went back to my exam room & waited for my doctor [this office was great... they did EVERYTHING THERE] I talked to her about a gender scan & she told her about prices. I was paying out of pocket b/c if my dads insurance found out I would have been dropped. It was scheduled for when my next apt was, 1 month away. That would put me at 21 weeks. About then I would not be able to hide it anymore.

I never made it to my gender scan. I went home for Christmas break a few days later. I tried to meet up w.the father before Christmas. I had seen him over Thanksgiving, briefly. I told him I thought I was pregnant (I knew I was) & that it was me or her. He picked her. He needed to want me for the right reasons, not b/c I was pregnant. Our schedules never meshed. But I knew we NEEDED to talk. This was important. We had scheduled to talk the day I was going back to Jax. The 29th. I wanted to spend NYE with my friends.

It was the 23. While I was home I started to feel icky & my back was KILLING me. I brushed it off as the lack of sleep the night before, the packing to go home & 2 hr drive home that day. I rested and went to bed early, If I was coming down with something I needed it to go away on its own b/c I couldn't take anything.

I had Christmas festivities & shopping to do with my younger (by 1.5yrs) sister so I had to push the icky/blah feeling aside and bring on the Jingle & the Bells!

The next few days were a blur. I didn't have time to feel sick. But by the 27th the pain in my back and now in my lower abdomen were hard to ignore. I was having cramp like pains & i have seen slight light pink color to my urine. I CALLED MY OB asap. I was scared & still doing this on my own (till I met w.the father in 2days). She said that the 'cramping' I was feeling was probably just tendons stretching from the baby growing and that was what I was feeling & said that some women 'spot' while pregnant, but wanted to see me in the office as soon as I got back to Jax.

I was driving back in 2days, after meeting w.J.

The 28th I didn't have any plans but to pack my stuff up, so I slept in. Got up ate some food took a nap. I was EXHAUSTED & had no idea why. I guess the business of my days caught up w.me. I still had the pain. No as sharp.

The day went along kind of slow, just a relaxing day at home. My sister and I had plans to go to the movies, I bailed. I went to bed early, again. The thought of telling someone in less then 24hrs that I was carrying his baby was waring on me.

I woke up at around 230a (on the 29th) with horrible pains and a sudden urge to pee. [TMI?] I went to the restroom & I was horrified. If you know what happens when a woman miscarries then you know what I saw when I pulled down my pants. I luckily had my cell w.me [I had used it as a light in the dark hallway]. I was shaking. I called my OB. The answering service said that she would call me back with in 5 mins. I was crying. Alone.

My OB called. I described what was going on what I was seeing. After talking to me for about 15/20 mins she told me that it sounded like I had had a partial miscarriage , but wouldn't know till I could get into the office. I would most likely need a D&C to remove what was left & prevent infection. She asked if I could be back in Jax by that afternoon. I said yes.

I called J at about 6am. Told him we needed to meet sooner then scheduled. I told him everything, though tears. I felt he should know. I went back home and told my mom in confidence, she swore to secrecy. I was a mess and my mom is my bestfriend and I needed her.

I should have had RhoGAM. My OB feels if I would have had the RhoGAM, when I found out I was preg (10wks) the miscarrige could have been prevented. (I had 3shots of it w.E).

I had another miscarriage in April of 07. My OB confirmed me at 4wks4days- very early to catch pregnancy, a HPT, prolly wouldn't have caught that she said. --I couldn't hold in another pregnancy. I called my mom, she was devastated, I had another year of college left and I had only known GD, the father, for such a short period of time. This was in early March, lets FF to April 15.

We went to dinner at a friends house, GD had told his friend I was preg his friends wife was excited (they had a little girl who had just turned 1) she was like you can have all our old stuff before we move, a lot is gender neutral! I went to the RR before we ate dinner and I noticed some light spotting. I was worried but not overly concerned, It was light & I had an apt in 2 days. I put some TP in my undies [TMI? Sorry] and went on w.dinner. I had some slight cramping later that night but figured it was from dinner. But from experience I knew I needed to be careful & not brush the cramping/spotting off. I woke up early the next AM April 16, to put final touches on a paper. When I finally went to the RR that morning. I just started to worry. There was a lot more and darker spotting. I went to the ER. I was taken back immediately I was shaking and I was a mess. I miscarried at 10wks2days.

Loosing a child is hard, in an unexplainable way. I know they [s/he] weren't born yet but they were still my children.



Thx for sticking with me [us]... the journey REALLY has just begun!

-Kelli-Sue


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