Friday, December 19, 2008

These PA boys

How can two completely different events be so similar? I ask myself this question quite often actually. Today was one of those times.

The last time I was watching a PA man walk away from me to board a plane, it was nearly three years ago. I was watching,"N" leave for a Recon mission with the United States Marine Corps. I had NO idea where he was going, if he was going to be safe, when I was going to hear from him again, when I would be able to touch him, kiss him, hug him, just feel him again. He didn't know any of this either. That was the life of a Recon Marine g/f and as wonderful and rewarding as it SUCKED 95% of the time b/c I NEVER knew ANYTHING b/c I couldn't know anything...b/c he was Recon, Special Ops...w/e you want to call it. I still watched him walk away from me to board a plane. That late afternoon after he kissed me and held me tight I thought to myself as he walked away w/his rucksack on as i had done way too many times (we said NO looking back! b/c he WAS coming home!) I love that man from PA... I really really do! I would love to marry him some day... if he ever stops playing Recon Marine (yes, yes I know I am the reason he is still in the corps..please people! stop w.the peanut gallery comments!)

Today was so different! I wasn't on aMarine base. I didn't have mascara running down my cheeks... I wasn't in a Recon sweatshirt... I wasn't insensately snapping pictures. Today was very rushed yes, but that was b/c this PA man got out of school at 1215 and still had to pack, shower, take out the trash, chain-smoke-half-a-pack-of -marlboro-menthols & get dressed and get to the airport by 300. phew! Thats with me doing the dishes and feeding Emmy and putting cute little notes all throughout his suitcase while he was in the shower so he has NO idea :), yah im that sweet. But once we're to the airport we get to the point where we're gunna say our good-byes and he does the baby first (soo sweet) then me and its a quick kiss (its OLNY 9 days people) and an I love you baby and a hug. No need for look backs or lingering, like with "N". This time it wasnt a dangerous, deployment to unknown lands overseas. It was to Reading, PA. and I have an infant who wont allow for lingering but I didnt need all the "drama" of his destination. After his hug I had the same thoughts I love that man from PA... I really really do! I would love to marry him some day. and BOOM that is where it STOPPED. I had those thoughts w/out the contingencies I had with "N". I love Cole. For the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY.

Before we got onto the elevator Emmy started screaming looking for Matt, "dada!!!" I had to explain that "daddy had just left and what not" I was that "newly single mommy" that I sympathized for nearly three years ago. I got an eerie sense of deja vu. Oh how the roles had changed. except i wasn't watching my husband go off to war (he's played that card already), he's not my husband at all but mearly my b/f and I was just dropping him off at the airport to go home for the holidays, which in itself, turned out to be a battle (thats another blog entry, in itself!). But the feelings were just as real. If not more real. b/c I know now more what love is as ive grown-up and experienced what I thought love is and failed. Once you fail at love you vow to never fail again. Thats the mission I am on.

I follow, actually I stalk, a great blog by my Bestie and there is a great one on Love . It really sums up how I am sure 99% of american couples feel. No I will not tell you what it says! Go follow her blog! It is AMAZING!!! That is how I feel about Cole I am so in Love with this Man It hard to put into words my feelings for him.

Anyways. This was my first attempt at a "real" blog. Hopefully over time they will improve.

Good Night Internets!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I waited...

patiently for you to fall and you DID!!


Just to hear those words roll off your lips made me want to melt.

It was like word velvet. and you said it so soft and you looked at me just right.

Then you cupped the back of my head and that was the most perfect kiss i have ever had.

Baby I love you soo much.

I have waited so long for a MAN like you.

It was well worth the wait.


Till next time-

Friday, December 5, 2008


am in LOVE with YOU!

I am waiting for you to fall in love with me...

You taught my daughter to call you "dada" should i be as happy as I am about that?

Ovarian cysts...SUCK!


Saturday, November 29, 2008


Begging and pleading.


Im just gunna STOP asking and STOP trying.

Always an excuse.

I love you, but...

I dont know how much I can honestly handle.

My heart breaks a little each time you say no or have a new excuse.

Do you really care?

I do things for/with you I dont want too...

...Why can't you do that for me?

Ive been uncomfortable before... For you!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Is a big part of my life. Always will be.

End of story.

Till next time-

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

NOT a good day

I want to be w.someone who wants to see me as much and as often as I want to see them.

Incase you forgot... Im way cooler then sleep or being lazy. No argument about how you enjoy that, you should enjoy spending time with me, more than 1-2 days a week. There's 7 days in a week, again in case you forgot.

Yah its a longish drive but I make it A LOT w.NO complaning...

I come see you MORE then you come to me... when did that happen? AND I have a baby... Souldnt you come to me? yah I think so.

NO ONE has said NO to me as much as you and NO ONE has canceled on me as much as you. NO ONE.

Yet I still feel as if I'm ALWAYS begging you- it shouldnt be that way.

Dont get me wrong you're a great guy..when we're together.

You treat me and Emmy great. and Im in love with you.

I think I expect too much.

We're not married, you dont have to be here all the time.

You grad in 104 days then you leave for PA... Then what?

Till next time-

Saturday, November 22, 2008

umm.. Yah

This time last year I was PREGNANT and packing for my Thanksgiving trip to VA to see Toms family... I can't believe HOW much my life has changed in just 1 yr!! In less then a week it will be...


I want to just say a quick THANK YOU to ALL of my wonderful friends who helped me through this last ROUGH year... Erin, Hayls, BB, Brian and last but NOT least MATTY... ILY guys so much thank you for EVERYTHING.

I am so...

So Im gunna say (5 days EARLY)

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Failure I am

Sometimes I wish I had someone to share Emmerie's moments and milestones with. It makes me sad to know that I have nobody to share it with. The other day she almost took her FIRST STEP and I just started to cry. Here She is so excited about this and to see her smile like that is awesome. But, there is nobody to share that moment with.

I feel like a failure. I have failed Emmerie. I have been so selfish and that is why I have failed her. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I put the fact that I thought I needed to be treated better in front of her well-being. Maybe if I would have just sucked it up maybe Emmy would have a daddy, Not just a sperm donor.

I should have have let everything go, who cares if I am not being treated right?!?!? Just as long as my baby gets the best of the best. It hurts me more than anything to know that I runied the fact that my daughter has a father and not a daddy. I did this to her.

I tried all that I could, I did everything that I thought was right, I just thought that I needed something more or needed to be treated better and that is what messed me up. What hurts the most is that I as her mommy should have thought of this before, though of the ramifications of a little girl not having a daddy. I see how she is with Matt, she LOVES him. and I know thats how she would be if she had a daddy, she would be such a daddies girl. it hurts more than words could describe...that I did this to her, I have failed her in the most important way.

This is going to cause some serious issues later on in life...b/c of me!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Take me as I am...

I am a no nonsense kind of girl. No games. No drama- I hate it. Honesty is key. It's all about the little things in life.

You have to be able to accept my daughter; we are a package deal, friends and family. No exceptions.

Be spontaneous, and a planner all at once. I can't stand smokers or dippers- Gross! I like to have fun, always. Like to go out every now and again but I like to stay in cook dinner and cuddle while watching a movie or two.

I am easy going. I try to steer clear of drama so don't bring any my way. I DON’T start it so I don’t want to be a part of it. Life is too short for that. I go weak in the knees for a southern accent and a man who treats his momma good<
I love to shop, shoes (although I’m barefoot a lot and wear the same pair daily) and purses- boy do I LOVE purses. I look forward to football season every year; I love Gator Football as well as the Green Bay Packers (its all about Rodgers now!!). I'm an occasional beer drinker (Bud Light, Please!) who enjoys a good glass of wine (white, usually a riesling) with dinner.

I want a man who is Stable. Family Oriented. Honest. Fun. Good-Hearted. Open-Minded. Just to name a few. The perfect man doesn't exist; I’m not dumb enough to believe that, so I’m looking for a close second.

I’ve always listened to country but until recently I’ve never really listened to it. Well I’m the type who listens to the same 4 or 5 songs over and over well there’s three that really struck me last night, as kind of my life. Music is amazing that way.

Baby, don't turn out the light
I wanna see you look at me
Whisper only truth tonight
Not just promises and empty fantasies

I don't need a bed of roses
'Cause roses wither away
All I really need is honesty
From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am

Baby, I need for you to know
Just exactly how I feel
Fiery passions come and go
I'd trade a million pretty words
For one touch that is real

I don't need a bed of roses
'Cause roses wither away
All I really need is honesty
From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am

From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am.

**Basically I want someone who is honest and will love me for ME and not some “Barbie” I should be his version of perfect…I am ME…love me or leave me…Period. The end.

There's a man in a Stetson hat, howlin' like an alley cat
Outside my window tonight
Sayin', "Baby, put on something hot, meet me in the parking lot
About a quarter to nine"

I get the feelin' that he's never read Romeo and Juliet
I'm gettin' tired of these one night stands
But if you wanna make a real romance

I'm that kind of girl, I'm that kind of girl
I ain't the woman in red, I ain't the girl next door
But if somewhere in the middle's what you're lookin' for
I'm that kind of girl, yes I'm that kind of girl

Let me tell you that I like my lovin' just as much as any woman
But I'm drawin' the line
A little sensitivity always seems to get to me every time
I'm a sucker for a love-sick fool
The kind that carries all your books in school
I'm getting tired of these one night stands
But if you're lookin' for a real romance

I'm that kind of girl, I'm that kind of girl
I ain't the woman in red, I ain't the girl next door
But if somewhere in the middle's what you're lookin' for
I'm that kind of girl, yes I'm that kind of girl

I'm that kind of girl, I'm that kind of girl
I ain't the woman in red, I ain't the girl next door
But if somewhere in the middle's what you're lookin' for
I'm that kind of girl, yes I'm that kind of girl

I'm that kind of girl, oh whoa
I'm that kind of girl, oh whoa

**This basically sums up what I am looking for. Im looking for a relationship…that has a future…Not just a “one night stand…or a few months” I have a 7 month old daughter who’s father is not around but once or twice a month (LUCKY ME!) but poor Emmy. Hes nothing more then a sperm donor (SD)… Not a good one but he gave me Ems so I can’t really hate him…Oh wait…yes I can.

she gets the kids off to school
Off to work she flies
She stops for gas
Short on cash
Cards all maxed
She cries
She digs the change out of her purse

She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

Out on the steps
Baseball bat
Dad's old hat
He waits
She watches him through the screen
Half past three
He's late
The cell phone rings
And she already knows
Another Saturday, huh
And he ain't gonna show

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man

She walks outside
Let's him down
Picks him right back up
She grabs his glove
And says, "Batter up"

Repeat Chorus:
She never thought she'd be
A single mom at twenty-three
She don't know if she can
But she's gonna be
Tougher than a man
(Tougher than a man)
Tougher than a man
(Tougher than a man)

**I am TOUGH… I am MOMMY & DADDY. I am 22 (not 23…close enough!) and feel as if I am old and dried up- I have friends… hundreds of miles away. The few I have in my home town are MARRIED (can you call what I was, Married? I say No, the Law says YES…what a shame and disappointment that/He was) or babies just starting college- they might have SOME life experience but its not near enough to grasp this situation. Anyhow I need and crave stability… not just for me but for Emmy. She needs someone whose gunna be there… not say they will and aren’t/ don’t show. Shes too young right now to be disappointed, now but shes growing and getting bigger by what seems to be the second and be fore I know its shes going to be 3 or 4 and know fully whats going on and what a huge disappointment her father is, so If I have that a stable relationship w/someone who is there, always, not just occasionally, maybe she will feel as if she has that fatherly figure, seeing as I can’t change her DNA. Its not just about DNA. I know that better then anyone. My step-dad has been more of a “father” then my real dad. Funny how that’s works… Robert stayed dad and is no better… Hum. Anyways STABILITY.**

On a completely different note… I’m falling… Hard. He’s an amazing man. There are a few things that are keeping me from completely letting myself fall…Our relationship has an “expiration date” meaning hes down here for school and once hes done here hes moving BACK to PA to go to yet another school then he has to sign w.a dealership. Which will more then likely NOT be in FL. .:Sigh:. There’s also the he doesn’t “do” family thing…. That’s a HUGE issue for me. I am so family-oriented. I actually like doing stuff family… and he doesn’t even do shit w.his family. His best friends family is the “only” family he does shit with. NOT GOOD YALL. I want to raise Emmy around family. I grew up cousins like they were siblings and that is how I see them; As my brothers and sisters- not my cousins. He doesn’t care of my mom/tom like him, I DO!! They HATED Bob and I will NOT go down that road again. So that’s a big RED FLAG. He is kind of lazy too, would rather lay in bed then come hangout/see me << That one hurts sometimes. It makes me think “Am I not important enough?” I just don’t know what to do anymore. Someone told me to keep it “light & fun” IDK if I can do that. Hes not a Big planner either… You might be thinking this is a no brainer… except its not. He’s so loving, kindhearted. He does the SWEETEST things for me. He looks at me like NO ONE ever has and he makes me feel like the ONLY women alive. Hes a FANTASTIC cook, hes a jack of many trades he can fix/build ANYTHING. Hes like a little ball of perfection… except all the aforementioned things and sadly they are big things. He loves Emmy and she him (most of the time) she goes to him better then she goes to her SD so…im just stuck between a rock and a hard place. At least I am able to see these things, in the past I usually overlooked things like that and figured “they will change…they can’t be permanent qualities” Now I know PEOPLE…ESP MEN DON’T CHANGE… EVER! I know I will make a decision, and I hope it’s the right one. I’ve let good guys go in the past, for reasons neither him nor I can remember (Sorry baby!!) I just don’t want to do that again. So stick through this rollercoaster I call life and we shall see the GOOD and BAD decisions I make…

Man maybe if I blogged more I wouldn’t have insanely long blogs…not to mention this blog is sooo scattered… I have been very scatterbrained lately!! Im sure I will have more to say later today or tomorrow. I will either ADD to this blog or start a new one…

Till next time-

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I, unlike most, look at the GOOD not the BAD in people. Always have and Always will. Thats probably why I continue to make the same decisions..or mistakes if you will.

I need to do some serious re-evaluation of all aspects of my life.

That is that.

Until next time-

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Amazing...Just Amazing

Is the only way I can describe my weekend.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Time to put my big girl panties on

So why do I always do this? Why do I rely on the UNRELIABLE? I need to learn to NOT rely on anyone but myself. I am the ONLY person who I know WILL ALWAYS- ALWAYS be there for me.

I have been let down TWICE in THREE days, by the same person. Its heartbreaking, really. It makes me feel like im UNIMPORTANT. I can't believe I am crying over this. WTF is wrong with me. Im DONE believing people. I can't do it anymore. It hurst to much. I am TOO forgiving. I give too may chances. I give the benefit of doubt too much.

I care for people. I forgive people. Then said people always LEAVE or HURT me. Its kind of a trend in my life.

I am done forgiving...soo many times. Im done give NUMEROUS chances. Im done using the "single mom" angle as a crutch.<
I complain to much. Which isn't okay. My friends love me too much to tell me.

Im obviously not living "my dream" but one day in my not to far future I will be.


Until next time...

Sunday, September 28, 2008


I am ADDICTED to :
and i read this and thought...OMG this is soo me!!!

"I hate to feel like I failed at anything, and admitting I'd failed at a marriage that garnered so little initial support was the ultimate wake-up-call/slap-in-the-face. Finally succumbing to the inevitable break up of my first marriage was such a blow to my ego. I'd spent the majority of our ill-fated relationship defending my choices and assuring concerned friends and family that I knew exactly what I was doing, and that everything would work out just fine."-Tia

Tia thank you for writing youre blog so much if it hits home!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I need an effing job. I need $$. I NEED to move the fuck out of this house. I swear I will KILL someone...or just my mom...If I don't move out of this hell hole soon.

I have been back home for almost a yr now. After being on my own for 3. Sucks that I married a SAD SORRY excuse of a man, who ABANDONED me while I was pregnant with his baby that "he wanted sooo badly".

Thats enough of my sob story.

Till next time-

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Excuse Me!


You say you don't read this...BULLSHIT --

.:She wont go to sleep:.

I hate that you get to SLEEP ALL FUCKING NIGHT. I don't remember what that is like.

You get a few hours a week, You get all the good stuff. The playing, the cooing...NOT the screaming...the no sleeping/napping. You just have NO fucking idea what its like to be a parent.

ANYONE...yes ANYONE can be a FATHER but it takes a REAL MAN to be a sir ARE NOT a real man.

I need to sleep...while I can. While she is sleeping.

till next time--

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Seems to be a word I hear way too often.

You would think by now I would be used it to hearing it.

-But Im not.-

I still get upset when I hear/read it. I shouldn't though, but I do.

After you hear NO so many times eventually you stop asking b/c you're sick of hearing "NO" over and over.

I guess im just glutting for punishment.

i'll wrote more later once Emmy is in bed for the night. I decided to take a short nap while she was. Felt good.

till next time-

just a few things




Till next time--

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Is what [most] men are.

DONT tell me you left her...then when I call you on your LIE say things are "so-so" and its because my divorce isnt final. SCREW YOU!! You have lied since Ive known you...not just to me but everyone. You lied to Alicia about me. Lied to me about Kelly and Kelly about me. Lied to Lynz about me and me about Lynz and now to me about Jessie and Im sure to her about me. -wow- what a web you have woven. I loved were my first...everything!! You were my first love and the first to shatter my heart. Yes there have been other heartbreaks but for some reason yours stings the most. 

How pathetic am I? 

I should know by now you can't make someone love you. Why do i still try? I tried, I tried w.Bobby (he didnt cheat, that I know of) and all the other assholes I've dated that cheated on me.

IDK why I thought there was hope You had a chance and let it go to shit. I tried the hardest for Nathan. .:Sigh:. oh well. I let that go to shit. That was all me.

.:I do miss military life...I miss being a military wife...fiancee...or GF:. <

Im sick of getting my heartbroken.

I want to find "him" and be done. I want it to be great. I want to be in LOVE again. I miss that wonderful feeling. I miss  the butterflies. I miss  the kisses. I miss tying to look cute for him even if im just in sweats.  I miss cuddling. I miss cooking for him. ETC...I miss all of it... even the silly bickering/fights...I miss making-up ;)

Oh well it will happen again... eventually. I know God has a plan for me. I am fully believing in and leaning on him. I just keep praying. Hoping. Wishing.

Im just having a hard time trusting. Its not just me now... Its Ems too!

Well thats how i feel at this moment.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

"You have No Idea..."

What its like.

I go to bed after you and I am up before you... sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night- Im up then too.

Just because I don't have an office job, doesn't mean Im not working. Taking care of her is a 24hr a day job. (one I LOVE...but none-the-less... its a lot of work)

I am exhausted.  I do it alone.

Job...not just a job but a career that utilizes my degree and supports us, hunt begins Monday. I know I will find something. 

This TROPICAL STORM is a BITCH. Leave already. Hurricanes aren't this bad. Geez.

I want to cuddle...order pizza/bstix and watch a movie.  Thats the BEST kind of friday night. Maybe a late night strawberry limeade from Sonic too. 

I want her to stop fighting and just go to sleep. Before 930...not after 11.

Im done.

Wine & a movie Friday night, anyone?!?
Hah yah right. Honestly. I know you won't come, you never do, always with the excuses.


Till next time-

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"The Sad Realization"

Emmy is the ONLY good thing I gained from my SHITTY marriage.

Things I gained:

Weight (aside from my baby weight)
Stretch Marks (from being prego)
CC debit... It's almost paid off but still

I am so angry.

You should be able to leave a relationship and say "even though it ended, I gained....." I can't say that.

We fought ALOT.

He left me ALONE and PREGNANT @ 13wks, causing me to leave the place I love so much, Jacksonville, to live at home.  In turn leaving ALL my wonderful friends, whom I MISS DEARLY.  I have missed BOTH of my besties Bdays-- b/c He couldn't be a man and find a job in Jax. Yet it was a piece of cake in MO?! WTF?! and then he wants to make things better... comes back 3 wks after the birth of our beautiful daughter, and how funny is it that I found him a job in less then 2 days! I FOUND IT FOR HIM. I FILLED OUT THE APP AND SENT HIS RESUME (WHICH I MADE FOR HIM).

He spent LITTLE to NO time and E.

He stopped showing me affection, what a way to kill your WIFE'S self-esteem.

He says he doesn't have the luxury  to spend all the time in the world over here w.her.  Fine at least make an effort.  She doesn't know you.  You sure as hell DON'T know her, she is AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL & VERY SMART!!

I know it's almost over but...It still makes me sad. mad. angry. disappointed. discouraged. etc.

I am soo scared that I will NEVER find anyone who will be able to accept that I have a child.  Not only do they need to accept her but my FRIENDS and FAMILY too. No exceptions.

Oh well I know "he" is out there somewhere...I hope he finds me b/c I've been looking and can't seem to find him.

NO MILITARY...EVER AGAIN. I miss the lifestyle but EVERY Military man BOY I have been with have all turned out badly. sigh. 


Friday, August 15, 2008

"Long over due..."

...So its been a while...a long while since I have updated. Since my last blog

I GRADUATED! From UNF bachelors in Public Relations.

I had surgery... yesterday actually and now I feel shitty.  I've had a ton of surgeries this one didn't hurt as bad, I'm just hella sore and nauseous...ick. 

Moving on...

I am also getting divorced.  I have gotten quite a bit of negative remarks on this.  Let me ask you something is this YOUR life? NO ITS NOT. It's my daughters and mine.  Do you have children? The ones flapping their gums don’t.  Who the hell are you to tell me I didn't try hard enough! -or- That divorce isn't the right decision.  

This isn't a decision I made lightly.  This is what will be best in the long run.  I want and deserve to be happy, as does everyone.  I was no longer happy with him. In order for my daughter to grow-up happy she needs to be raised in a happy household.  There’s a lot you don’t know about the situation.  Do you seriously think I’m gunna change my mind b/c YOU think its wrong. You think its better for the baby if her mommy and daddy are together. WRONG! If the relationship is unhealthy the child senses that and that is unhealthy for a developing mind/ personality.  You have no room to talk seeing as you don’t have children. Hell you aren’t even married.  So you honestly have NO ROOM to spit your “opinion” take it somewhere else.  

Hell I didn’t even ask you for it, you just up and offered it.  This is a very stressful situation on both my family and myself.  The LAST thing I need is flak from people who have NO IDEA.  I have confided in people I am close with or people who have been there or close to being there, People with children.  

Being a single mom is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. But in retrospect I have been a single mom since I was pregnant b/c Bob wasn’t in the picture.  So you could say I’ve got this single mom thing down pact.  I have help from my mom but I will be moving out soon (couple of months) and will no longer have her help.  As some of you know, she helps but not as much as most thinks.  I really do it myself.

That leads me to people getting pregnant who honestly shouldn’t.  IT’S HARD!! Period. The end. 

I have friends who are married and have been for years and years and are dealing with infertility.  They deserve a child or even another one to expand their family. It just isn’t fair that girls who sleep around get knocked-up or they have a new b/f week-after-week.  I’m not saying that you have to be married but its highly recommended.  PEOPLE PEOPLE…Condoms. Birth Control…there are sooo many forms of it now.  

Complaining that they are too expensive is bull b/c do you realize how EXPENSIVE children are?  People can tell you but you really never know until you’re there, in those shoes.

That leads me to my BIGGEST fear.  Not finding someone b/c I have a child.  That men will see E as “baggage” and not want to deal w/someone who has an ex-husband.  Being divorced is completely different than just breaking up with someone/ having an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.  

I don’t have the same cute small body as I did before I met Bobby.  I mean I am working on getting back there I have about 25 more lbs to go but still.  I have stretch marks now, I don’t care who you are, those are NOT in any way attractive. LoL.  Anddd  I haven’t been tanning in forever so I’m the palest I have ever been.  I know this all sounds so trivial and it kind of is but its just one of the things I think/worry about.

Another thing I am worried about is finding a job. A GOOD job, Preferably one that utilizes my degree.  My 4 years of expensive education.  I will be applying to radio stations, tv stations, Disney, Universal, Sea World, Hospitals…Big corporations that aren’t struggling in the face of the economy. But I’m putting it in Gods hands and he will lead me in the right direction.  

My mom thinks I should get my Masters. She must be insane. I’m sooo glad I’m DONE with school.

Anyways I could go on and on…but I won’t Im hurting and want to lay down.


Hopefully I will write again tomorrow when im less pissed off…


Thursday, July 17, 2008

"SO SO SO Blessed!!"

A few people have been asking for an update on my life and E and School and what not. I figured that since I got out of class early (and got hm early) I would give you all the mighty "UPDATE":

We shat start with school: I ONLY have 15 more days till I walk that stage and have my Bachelors Degree in Public Relations! I never thought I would finish and now that I am so close I am beyond excited. Words don't even come close to describing.

(Besides my aunt and uncle) I will be the first to graduate from college.

I have been considering my masters but UNF, does not offer a masters program for PR (yet...its coming in 2010) I don't want to attend another college , UNF is perfect. Not too BIG not too small. Its great. Not to mention i LOVE Jacksonville.

So I am going to wait till E is in elementary school before I get my masters.

I just can't even begin to imagine what my life will be like without school always looming over my head.

But I have a few connections that will (hopefully) lead me to a wonderful job. I won't go into that b/c I don't want to jinx it.

So that is that. if all goes as planned I will be graduating w.a 3.2 GPA. But as I am told by PRSSA Members (I am an ex member myself) and by a few of my connections, Its NOT about GPA its about how you are in real world situations and interviewing skill and resume (mine is pretty impressive, If I do say so  myself). So I am NOT at all worried.  I got a B (one of few) on my mid-term in Mass Comm (HARD ASS CLASS) and I have a 20 page paper (I have 10 knocked out already--Thx for your help Holly) and a final. This is the ONLY class I need to graduate. I am taking a few others but this is the BIGGIE. LoL So that is that. I am so ready for this day.

Just to know I am in the process of making a GREAT life for my daughter by getting my degree Better job, More $$) make the 1,000+ Miles i put on my car a week well worth it.

For those who are curious- it ONLY took 4 yrs, which is the Normal time for a bachelors, unless you change your major, which I did very early on.

I started UNF in Aug 2004 I will Grad Aug 1 2008-- 4 yrs.

It has been a wonderfully exciting, DRAMA FILLED wouldn't trade it for the world 4yrs. I have made some AMAZING friends, STRENGTHENED old (22 year LONG) friendships. I have also through trial and ERROR learned what qualities my friends MUST have. I have met some people that really were a HUGE waste of my time. They are just very morally CORRUPT--No names needed. Im above that.

Moving on...

E. Where do I start. She's is truly the most wonderful child. I have truly been blessed. I have a Terrific pregnancy and wonderful birth.

She has been 100% healthy since birth.

Sleeping ALL night long in her CRIB since she was 3 weeks old, holding her own head up at 6 1/2-7 weeks.

She's been on formula since she was 6 days old and It was my fault that I only breast fed for a week, I got avery bad breast infection and had to cease BF. I cried for about a week but realized that I had to pull myself together for Ems. She got the colostrum and thats what's the most important.

She has been EXCEEDING the Drs. (and my) expectations. She is PERFECT size (length and weight).

Socially she is at the level of a 5 month old. Rolling over at 9- 10 weeks--Well before most. Most roll over at 4-5 months not 2. She is 15 weeks tomorrow and already trying to sit up on her own, I laugh b/c she she can't and she gets soo mad and kind of cries. She laughs all the time and when I get home from school on T/H after being gone for 8hrs she reaches for me when I walk in, that is such a great feeling, I can't describe it.

She also has pushed herself up on her knees when she's on her tummy a few times. She "Army Crawls" ALL over the place. She grabs at her toys and puts ANYTHING that fits in her mouth in it. needless to say I have to make sure everything within her reach is SAFE.

Her pediatrician, said that when I feel she is ready I can start her on rice cereal. But for now her 4Oz bottles sometimes 5Oz are holding her just fine. I will prolly start her in a month or so, as she steadily becomes more and more active. She will need the extra Calories. Right now her formula is doing the job. She plays hard and naps very well. I have her on a schedule and that makes things easy. When if for some reason I get off her schedule, because we are out at dinner or a friends house or something she doesn't like that. So we typically stick to it.

We wake up anywhere between 730-830am...change diaper and go out morning "talk" get a bottle, play for a few hours. Nap for an hour hr and half. All day is this way. Even when I have errands to run, shes pretty good when we go out. She gets a bath at around 7-715 and gets a bottle and goes to bed between 830-930 and sleeps ALL night, unless she rolls over, but shes usually only awake till she (I) roll her back over to her tummy. So all-in-all I am so very blessed.

My life (ish)- Well I am only 15 days from graduating from COLLEGE!! woohoo!! I am so excited. I have a great support system, my mom, tom, grandma and my bffs. Without them I would not have come this far.

My future with Robert is very uncertain. Once I graduate we will be getting a divorce. (I DO NOT want any emails, comments or MSG about this)

I have lost 31.6 lbs since I gave birth. I still want to loose 30 more. I was about 20-25 labs heavier then I like to be when I got pregnant, So I have lost all my pregnancy weight just to loose the extra ANNOYING weight. I lift weights 2 days a week with a trainer and soon will start some cardio here in a day or two to help boost my weight loss.

I am stressed.

I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I have been looking at houses and I have found a few I'm interested in. So We will see how that goes. I am not going to seriously look till after I graduate, I will be less stressed and looking for a job, thats stressful but not as much as all this school work.

SO thats my lengthy update.  Hope this is what you were looking for.

Till next time--

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

"You Could Have Heard A Pin Drop"

An e-mail from my dad:

'You could have heard a pin drop'

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.


You could have heard a pin drop.


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of theFrench engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.

What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.


A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.


You could have heard a pin drop.


Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.

The American said, "'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" stated the customs officer.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.

You could have heard a pin drop.



Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I like love iWeb but i need to pay up.

So I'm blogging here till I can do that.

I have so much on my mind. I don't even know where or how to begin to let it all out.

My head is so full. I wish I could jusy flow into a stream of consciousness.

This home alone thing makes me frustrated. TOO much "thinking" "me" time. UGH.

I'm a MARRIED...SINGLE Parent. Its the SINGLE most frustratin' problem in my life right now.

Divorce sucks.

There's just too much...i'm NOT even going to go  there. Im done.


Sunday, June 22, 2008

"Roxy Said it best..."

...Im lonelier MARRIED to him then I was when I was SINGLE.

I need 'this' to be over. 

Back to HW then a NEW Army Wives....


Saturday, June 21, 2008

"Some "Me" time is MUCH MUCH over due!"

I am SICK of doing things on OTHER peoples schedules. Seriously.

"I don't know if we can" -- Blah Blah...yah run off and do something else and forget I even asked to do something. 

Im DONE waiting for other people, for them to just blow me off.

I have feelings too.

Yes, I have a child. I can still do stuff. Its not a disease.

Shes 2 1/2 months old. Stroller or baby bjorn and Bam Im off!! Its that easy. 

From today on out...I will ask if you want to go you say no, Im not waiting. If I want to go I will go, just me & my girl.

Why does it always have to be YOUR schedule? Why can't we do it on mine? 

Okay so Im pissed off!! Like really pissed off and I tried to call 2 people (to vent), 2 people I am ALWAYS there for (esp. when they need to vent) and guess what...they aren't there for me.

THANKS for hitting the "fuck you" button. Means a whole heck of a lot. I guess over time (and distance and having a baby) you learn who your friends truly are. -- Mom was there for usual. 

I am the type of person who always wants to make others smile and laugh and try to make them happy.

Well NOW its time to make ME (and E) happy. I need ME to be happy.

Im sick of trying to please everyone. I spend more of my time making others happy and NO time makes me happy. 

Well enough of this rant.

Im gunna do some of next weeks homework so I can hang out cousin Bubba while hes on leave and my "adopted" cousin Courtney...separately of course...this week, while im all alone in this big ole house.


Monday, June 9, 2008


Another e-mail from dear ole dad:

Dear Dad,
> It is with great regret and sorrow that at I'm writing you. I had to elope
> with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and
> Mom.
> I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you
> would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight
> motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's
> not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
> Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter
> We share a dream of having many more children.
> Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
> anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the
> commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
> pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she
> sure deserves it!
> Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
> myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
> your grandchildren.
> Your son,
> Chad
> P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
> wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
> card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
> come home   


Sunday, June 1, 2008


...Didn't I get the fairytale I deserved?!

I just don't get it...

...I thought I had found my forever...

...but as it seems forever will be ending soon...

**Admitting it is the hardest thing to do**

Good Night


Sunday, May 18, 2008

"This is for the civilian girl(s) out there..."

Dear Civilian Girl,

You complain that your boyfriend/ husband has worked late all week and have barely seen him.

*I look forward to the two weeks a year we spend together.

You complain because he doesn't call you enough.

*My heart is thankful for the 15 second phone call I got last Tuesday in the middle of the night!

You whine to your friends about how much you miss him already because he is on a two day trip with his parents.

*I haven't seen him for 7 months now

You don't feel like making love tonight because you are too tired.

We will stay up all night because we don't know when it will be the last time.

Your boyfriend/husband belongs to you.

Mine belongs to the government.

Your boyfriend/husband is training for his game next weekend.

My boyfriend/husband is trained to kill.

It's just not practical for you to drive an hour to see him every weekend during school.

He spends $700 dollars on a plane ticket just to see me for 2 days!

You hate hanging up the phone when talking to him.

My heart breaks because I won't talk to him for another 10 days.

You complain that he doesn't take enough time out of his life for you.

My man has to get up in the middle of the night to talk with me because of the time difference. He doesn't complain.

Your man is in a bad mood from not sleeping much this week.

My man ran 10 miles this morning at 4am and has a full day of
work ahead of him.

He's lucky if he gets a few hours of sleep!

Your boyfriend/husband can call in sick when he is tired or not feeling well.

There is NO calling in sick for the military!

You don't trust him so you follow him places to see if he is telling the truth.

I have no choice but to trust him and even then I trust him with my life.

You don't like him talking so sexually with his friends.

My boyfriend/husband has to chant it in drills.

You check your phone, see you missed a call from him, and decide to call him back when you aren't so busy.

I see a missed a call and cry, because I don't know when he can call again.

You might save a cute voice message from him.

I save them all b/c it helps me to remember what his voice sounds like

Being apart for a month to you seems daunting.

A month apart for me is a wish that can't come true.

You wouldn't change schools to be close to him.

I have to move to another country to be with him.

You have every part of him memorized.

I study pictures so I don't forget what he looks like

You take your time together for granted.

We don't!!

Your cell phone bill was high this month from talking too much.

He pays 20 cents a min. to call home....when and if he can.

You love that fancy necklace he bought you.

I refuse to take his dog tags off, and not a day goes by that I don't have them on...


Friday, May 9, 2008

"Temporary Single Parent"

One of the most common questions I have been asked during this never-ending deployment is, "How do you DO the single parent thing?" That is often followed up with "I could never do that" or "I don't know how you do it". In the beginning, I didn't think I could do it. Sometimes I still don't.  But it gets done. We're heading into month 15 and the kids are alive and I'm not in jail.

So, how do you do it? I can't give you fool-proof ideas but I can share with you what worked for us.

A lot of this depends on how old your kids are, where you're stationed/living during the deployment, etc. My kids are 6 and 3 and we live in Hawaii. The first thing I did was to start talking to them about the deployment a few months out. I explained to them that Daddy was going to have to go to Iraq (we looked Iraq up on a map and checked out age-appropriate books on Iraq from the library to help them understand WHERE he was going) for "several months". They were young enough at that point to not really have a firm concept of time and saying "a year" seemed overwhelming - to them and to me.

Once we got past that initial shock, I enlisted the kids in helping me come up with an "adventure list". We combed through the tourist books and came up with adventures - big and small - to keep us occupied throughout the year. The smaller ones - beach trips and park outings - we planned for the weekends when his absence would be felt the most. The bigger ones - water park trips, hops to other islands, museum visits, botanical garden adventures, and special events in town - we saved for school breaks and holidays. They gave us things to look forward to and helped to break up the monotony. Basically we became tourists in our own neighborhood.

As a parent, I came to rely heavily on routine. I function better - and so do my kids - if they know what to expect. We almost crave it. Bedtimes are set. Rules are set (the big ones). Activities are set (within reason). It helped us to feel as though we were in control of a situation that was so much bigger than us.

With regard to rules, I discovered an "If/Then Chart" that I now use that covers the 10 most basic infractions and the consequences of those infractions. It's predictable. The kids were able to see the logic behind the consequences and that helped them to feel as though they were a part of the decision-making process of the house. And it took the pressure off of ME to be the sole disciplinarian in the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In fact, once got the chart (you can Google "If/Then Chart") we wrote to my husband and asked him if he had any suggestions on consequences for the different infractions. He appreciated being included and it helped to remind the kids that, even though Daddy is gone, he is STILL a part of this family and its' functions.

We also made sure to have FUN. Once or twice a month, we do "Movie Night". We haul out the pillows and blankets, pop up some popcorn, bust out the M&Ms, and pop in a movie (thank goodness for Netflix!). The kids love cuddling, eating junk food, and watching a movie they've not seen before (their favorite so far is "Sound of Music"). I love the fact that I get to spend some quality time with my kids and forget about the fact that I'm the only adult in the house. We do breakfast for dinner at least once a month (more if I'm not up to cooking!). We go out for ice cream a heckuva lot more than we do when Daddy's home. We do what we can to make the best out of the fact that it's just the 3 of us for now. And we take LOTS of pictures to send to Daddy.

As a parent, I would encourage anyone dealing with a deployment to find a reliable child-care option. Whether it's the neighbor, a teenager from a family in town or at church, a local day care center, or the Child Development Center on post...USE IT. I'm not advocating pawning your child off on anyone and everyone all the time but I know so many women who feel guilt over the thought of day care or a babysitter. Time for yourself - time to run errands on your own or grab a bite to eat on your own or hit the gym, read a book, or even clean the house ON YOUR OWN - is vital to maintaining sanity. I have found that my relationship with my children is better when I have time for myself. There is less pressure. Less stress. I feel more focused. They seem to listen better and work better with me. And they enjoy it. I wouldn't take them somewhere they didn't enjoy being and my kids (being the opinionated and mouthy things that they are) will tell me if they don't like something. It gives all of us a few moments to recharge. Which gives ME the ability to focus properly on THEM when I am with them. I am a better parent when we all have a little time apart. The saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt" can be seen in action in my house when my husband is gone for extended periods of time. I have a feeling it is this way for many families.

Life as a "kind of" single parent is a balance. It's a balance between you and the kids. It's a balance between sanity and insanity. It's like walking a tightrope above an alligator-infested pit carrying a flaming bucket of snakes. Well, it can be for me on certain days. Take it day by day and do your best to have some fun. My goal during this deployment was to be able to look back on this year and smile. Smile because we made it but also because my kids and I had some fun together and strengthened our bond. I'd say we've done well. I hope this helps a bit.

"A Military Wives Uniform"

Every morning we get up
and have to put on a uniform,
just like you do.

First,we wipe the tears off of our face,
we can't let the children see them,
because we are suppose to be strong and fearless. 

Then, we ship off the package to you, 
with the comfort food that you, 
and all your friends wait for every month,
chips, snack cakes, and cookies, 
we have to send enough for everyone. 

As we rush out the door to another full day,
we wish we could keep you off our minds,
for even an hour. 

We run to our friend's side, when she finds out it will be
another two months before her husband, finally gets to see
the new little additionto the family.

As we walk back in the door, at the end of the day,
when the clothes come off, and before the pajamas go on,
all we see is a real woman, a scared woman.

We know that when we go to lie in bed, 
no matter how exhausted we are, 
there will be at least a couple of minutes
that we notice,there is no one beside us. 
No one to turn to. 

We know that, tomorrow, when we wake up, 
we will have to put on our uniform, 
because we know that that uniform,
is the only thing, that keeps us from falling apart.


Wednesday, May 7, 2008



I don't think this is fair. Nor is this easy. 



Off to go be mommy...


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Haha this is good..."

Another E-mail from my dad:


WARNING to the Family and Friends of a Returning Sailor:

You will soon have your loved one home again. He has been living in an
extremely crude environment for quite some time and will require time
to adjust to his former lifestyle.

The key to help him through this difficulty is PATIENCE.

Remain calm if he mixes his mashes potatoes with his chocolate pudding,
stirs his coffee with his finger, or eats as though someone was going to
steal his food.

Bear with him if he walks out to the back patio and throws the trash
over the railing into the backyard.

Do not be alarmed when he walks through a door and ducks his head and
raises his feet, because it's not a neurotic condition. It's just the way he
has been walking for the past 6 months.

Show no surprise if he accuses the grocer of being a thief, argues with
the sales clerk about the price of each item, or tries to sell cigarettes
to the newsboy on the sly.

Most important of all:

His digestive tract will also require some adjustment.

For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they are
colorless and falling apart (after they have been sitting out in the hot sun for
at least a week prior to his getting home).

Eggs must be tinged with a shade of green and be runny, bacon nearly
raw and all other meats must be extremely well done.

Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef the
first night, braised beef the second, beef tips the third, beef stew the
fourth, ect.

If milk is served, it should be at room temperature and slightly
diluted with water.

If he prefers to eat his meals while sitting next to the trash can,
don't be concerned. He's grown so used to the smell that it may take a while for
his normal tastes to return.

In the evenings, turn off all air-conditioning, open all windows and
let in as many bugs as possible.

Let him sleep on the floor in the laundry room with the dirty clothes
because he's so used to the smell.

For the first few nights, wake him every three or four hours. Tell him
he's late for the night watch in the backyard. He'll understand because he's
been doing something just as stupid for the past six months.

Under no circumstances should he be allowed to get a complete nights
sleep during the critical adjustment time.

His daily routine may seem strange to you, especially when he wakes
everyone up at six in the morning screaming "Reville-Reville, all hands heave
out and trice up!" Just smile and nod and make sure everyone is up and on the
back porch at seven for muster, instruction and inspection.

Then, in the late afternoon, humor him when he walks around the house
closing all the windows and doors and reports to you that yoke is set
throughout the house.

After sundown, don't argue with him when he yells at you for opening up
the window blinds while darken house is set.

His language may seem foreign and you may not understand all the terms
he uses. It isn't necessary that you do. Just smile and be pleasant. Some
of the terms you may hear are: Turn-to, Sweepers-Sweepers, Men working aloft,
This is a drill, Wog, Beer-thirty, ect.

Do not be surprised when he answers the phone and instead of saying
"Hello," he says: the room he's in, his rank and name. For example, Living Room,
"You Fill In The Blank" speaking, this is a non-secured line subject to
monitoring, how may I help you Sir?

NEVER make favorable references to the Navy leadership structure. To do
so will almost always illicit an extremely loud and profane outburst which
may continue for hours.

The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous place in the house
for your USS __________ returnee. Before he arrives, strip the bathroom
of all accessories such, bathmats and any and all toiletry items.
Crack the mirror and run water on the floor. Toilet paper is optional,
but if it is furnished, it must be placed in a puddle on the floor. Turn off
the hot water at the source for the first few days. Wait until he is in the
shower, soaped up and then turn the water off altogether for about 15 minutes.
All of these precautions are imperative, because if he walks into a bathroom
which is complete with the above mentioned items, he may shrink into a corner
and curl up into a fetal position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens,
there are only two proven and accepted methods of snapping him out of it;
yell "Mail-Call or Liberty-Call." In either case, stay clear of the doorway.

In closing, always remember that beneath that suntanned shell there
beats a heart of gold, it being the only thing the Navy couldn't confiscate or
reschedule at a later date. With kindness, patience and the occasional
swift kick, your loved one will soon return to his former self.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

"Its a Girl"

Wow! Is the first thing I can think to say.

My brain is so cloudy right now. It has been such a whirlwind.

Not only was my precious baby girl born, but I as a mother was born.

I was not a mother until I heard the beautiful cry's emanate from E's lungs.

When I held her for the first time, I cried... I cried because this was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. It wasn't perfect... but SHE WAS.

I was so amazed to think that for the last 39weeks she lived in my belly... I protected her & now after 22+hrs of intense labor, she was here.

Blew my mind. She is absolutely gorgeous. The moment she looked eyes with me I knew everything was going to be okay.


Heres how my L&D went:

I went to Winnie Palmer @ 11:45pm on thursday, April 3, 2003. I was scheduled to be induced at midnight, due to her very small size and lack of growth (there was concern in the 2ish mons leading to delivery- if you don't remember)....

Bloated face. eek!

So they admit me and start hooking me up to all the monitors & one of the nurses asks me
"How long have you been having contractions?"
Me: "I've been having braxtin hicks for awhile"
Nurse: "No honey your having REAL contractions... see" [points to the monitor]
Me: Oh idk I thought that those little crampies were just BH, again.
Nurse: Well they aren't very big... Im gunna call your doctor and see where he is about ask him about the pitocin, since you're contracting on your own."

Pitocin was started @ 12:15am.

I ended up being on pit. for 22 hrs!! Talk about being bloated. 

My Mom and aunt Pam were there with me, my birthing team, so we just [tried] to relax, tried to sleep. Yah def. did not happen.

My Dr. showed up at 7am to check me... I wasn't progressing very well, even with they help of pit. so he, w/o telling me, breaks my water. Hello! Weirdest feeling ever, esp. when I was not expecting it.

He said since I was only  2cm after being on pit for about 7hrs it had to be done. In his experience its best not to tell the patient and just do it.  So do it he did.

After he broke my water, he upped my pitocin- that stuff made me feel kind of sluggish.

My contractions started to pick-up and get more intense.  I wasn't ready for my Epi yet (my aunt was a L&D nurse; she told me to hold off for as long as possible b/c it slows down labor) my contractions weren't unbearable but I did need something, I was really anxious, so they gave me a sedative to take the edge off and to clam me down.

I went from 2cms-5cm in no time at all (less then an hr). I thought awesome... this is gunna happen soon! Heh little did I know.

It could have been b/c I was so uncomfortable in that bed that my nurse suggested that I try sitting/bouncing lightly on the birthing ball. So I did that a lot. Mostly during a contraction... it took the pressure away. I tried walking around the room. I couldn't roam the halls because my water had been broken. Sanitation reasons I suppose.

I couldn't take it anymore. My contractions seemed to be on top of each other and were "off the charts" huge.

Every 30 minutes anesthesia would come in to check on me and see if I needed my epi. yet (b/c they gave me the sedative earlier). I said "No" so much, I finally told them they could check every 45/60mins.

HUGE, COLOSSAL mistake. When I needed it they were busy next door doing the women in labor with twins.

I kept at that until 6:45pm when I couldn't take it anymore and they finally got back to me. Over 13hrs of hard laboring, naturally, mostly- pretty good!

So at 5 .1/2-6cms they gave me the epi. It was nice! But I hated not being able to feel my legs/stomach. weird. Plus I hated being "bed ridden".

I got to 8cm and called my dad down in the waiting room, b/c there is a 3 person limit in the room at a time (my RN was amazing and let me have upto 5 till I had mt epi put in). I told my dad "Tell everyone it's guuna be soon!! Im at 8cm!!" This was around 4pm (ish).

A few hrs later, I asked my aunt to go get my RN, I didn't feel well, that last contraction really hit hard. As my aunt was going to walk out. In comes my nurse. she said she saw how big my last contraction was and wanted to check me.  I had finally hit 10 and was ready to go, except my Dr was NO WHERE to be found.

My RN paged him, when he called his page back and said he was 20 mins out and not to let me push. WHAT THE HECK! That was soooo hard. I wanted to push but couldn't. I was almost in tears- begging,  pleading with my nurses, more then 1 at this point, to just let me push, asking probably yelling, about his ETA and location. 

Even w.the epi I was feeling soo much pressure, it was awful. Finally he showed and I thought it would be 1,2, BABY. WRONG-- the 2 hrs of pushing began.  

I was terrified that he was going to have to do a c-section. Time was running out. I had hit my 12-hr mark from when my water had been broken. I remember my DR. telling me "I am not going to c-section a baby that is less then 6lbs! Lets get her out! We're in the danger zone of time Kelli"

Once she was delivered (8:29PM) and safe- I was exhausted and crying. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I felt like I could do anything at that point. I had just labored for over 22hrs. They laid her on my tummy and my mom was crying. I looked over at my aunt Pam and she was crying.

During delivery I was allowed 3ppl- I opted for my mom- who I am very close to and my aunt who I am also close to, plus she used to be an L&D nurse... shes a pro! I don't think I could have done it w/out them. My mom was up by my head coaching me, and my aunt was holding one of my legs and telling me when to push, as I was unsure some of the time.

I couldn't stop crying. I was just a mixture of emotions. Needless to say that April 4, 2008, is by far the BEST day of my life. 

A few minutes old.

1 day old. Angelic. 


I know this is a little all over the place but Its hard to remember all the details. 

All I know is that despite my lack of sleep I am the HAPPIEST woman alive. I have a great support system here and my aunt will be here for 10ish more days to help. I am so blessed.  

My life is only going to get better by the day. I know it. 


-Kandid Kelli

Monday, March 24, 2008

"Another baby update"

My beautiful angel gained some weight. 

She is still small but, we're [basically] outta the danger zone now!  

All her organs, head & arms/legs are still measuring 3wks too small but Doc was worried about her not getting nutrients! 

So I am so excited that she is finally gaining.

I see my Doctor on Wednesday to find out the next plan of action.  

I only have 2wks left--maybe he will scrape my membranes to help push things along.  

Thank You to EVERYONE who was praying for her! We were getting really scared b/c she seemed to be decreasing in size and now shes catching up, kind of.  

We didnt get any good pics shes really scrunched up in there. 

Can't wait to see doc to see what he says!  

I'll post another update on wednesday!