"Ready"

Right now I am lucky enough to stay home with my pretty in the mornings on Thursday & Fridays. So I decided I have neglected my reader for long enough; I started perusing blogs as I sipped my coffee with a smile on my face.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I realized I AM READY...

...to be happy; Not just sometimes but always.

...to stop over analyzing, everything.


...to leave the past where it belongs, in the past.


...to take the walls down, slowly & open up.


and I am ready...


...for March to come, my life is unfolding around me and I am stuck in this vortex. I can't get out but I see everything happening. 


Come Feb. 28 I will only have one job.
     I will go from working M-W 9-2 at job1 and M 215-545 T&F 215-530 W 115-530 and Th 215-600 at job2 to working M&W 9-330, T&Th 9-2 at job1.

I am excited for this change, the chance to continue making money and supporting my daughter and I, but also the opportunity to spend more time with my girl and to focus on school.

Instead of being so stressed out from the moment I leave work and walk in the door at night, trying to get dinner on the table, E in a bath and ready for bed all in the span of about 1.5 hrs. I will be able to get dinner on the table at a decent time while enjoying the time with my girl without constantly checking the clock.

I know I will MISS my kids like crazy. Not just my 4th graders but Heathers and her 3rd graders, Allison and her 2nd graders and Vickie and her1st graders and my Kindergarten "babies" (I dont like the K teacher and will NOT miss her)


The good thing is I am leaving on a positive note, I don't like burning bridges, so I WILL go visit when it fits my schedule.

I love ext day but E has been acting out, bad. I honestly believe it's b/c she doesn't see me enough and she wants attention, good or bad. I had to make the hard decision to leave the job that causes me to be home so late and away from her.

I know this decision will help make me happy, all the time.

The other things will come with time.

Things like that don't happen over night. I am starting to take the walls down, brick-by-brick. I have been really happy as of late, while I may analyze, everything, I am still smiling.

I also realized this morning, that I may be "replaceable" but NOONE is ME. I have so much love and happiness to offer too right person. I think I have found the right person to give that love and happiness too, but I am not sure he is ready... I am willing to walk slow, by his pace. Only time will tell.

...

Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

xo

-Kandid Kelli

  

"Who I am [right now]"

I got this idea from Erin, you can check out Who She is, Right Now, here.

...

Right Now, I Am...

Anxious. About my up coming move. I am not sure what my/our future holds. I am not a fan of uncertainty.

Missing warmth & sunshine. I guess in places that actually have all 4 seasons, May is Spring & in sprin it only warms a bit from Winter... which is the crappiest season, ever. Summer doesn't start till June 21st- Well I am a FL girl. Anything that isn't dec/jan is supposed to be warm & by warm I mean NOT 40s, like it was HERE LAST WEEK- gross (its 50* today)!

Enjoying being out of school for Summer. I normally would be taking a full 'summer' load but since I am moving states and schools; I am going to enjoy this summer with my pretty, who is growing all too quickly.

Procrastinating. On packing. I was looking around & I forgot how much there is too pack & IDK how it happens but in the 5.5 mons I've been here Ive acquired more crap, plus E's crib that was shipped here will not be shipped back, it will be broken down and packed, in the U-Haul. So much to do in a MONTH. ek.

Drinking in my daughter. We play some silly games during the day, but I love every second. She learns, grows and matures so fast & I don't want to miss one second of it. Yesterday we played [one] of her favs- We I drew shapes with chalk, she helps, by coloring them in, on the drive way & a white line: she stands behind the line & tosses a stone. Whatever shape the stone lands on she tells me what color & shape it is- Yes that is one of her fav games. We call it: E's Shapes. She almost never gets one wrong.

[heres what our 'game-board' looks like...]



Wishing PA/DE&FL could mesh. I know that everyone won't/can't be happy, and I hate that. When E&I move back to FL I am only half happy b/c 1/2 my heart & E's daddy will still be in PA, I will be elated b/c I will be with my families- biological and church & my friends who are like family. M will be miserable b/c his daughter and I will be gone, but he has a good job & his friends/family are here. I love M's family like they are my own, which in a yr they will be, once I leave I know they will miss us E, a lot, but I know they are ready to get their home back. But if I stayed to make all PA people happy not only would I remain unhappy (minus the fact my heart is complete) my family would also be unhappy. Why can't PA/DE & FL boarder each other? This sucks.

Actually reading for fun. During the semester I usually could find a little bit of time here and there, in between reading for class and HW & E, to read for fun but after Spring Break, forget it. Everything got c-r-a-z-y & I never had time. I just finished THIS book (yes Jess worth picking up again) & I have 2 on my Kindle I can't wait to read, I can't decide which I want to read first- DECISIONS, DECISIONS! I missed reading, for fun.

Wanting my hair to grow faster. I have always wanted to grow it, since I was 17 & it was longer, and then summers in FL come and I chop it off, its just too hot to deal w/my curly hair in humid FL. Them 'fall/winter' arrive I vow to grow it, but it gets to this weird length and I chop again. Well lucky? for me I am in PA yuck and I don't have my Mandi here, so no cutting for me for at least another month, maybe longer, so I can bypass this awkward stage & have a shot at growing it out? We shall see. I did pre-natals to help the process but it makes my nails grow to dang fast, and I don't have the funds to get them done more then once-a-month.

Wanting a pair of Reebok Easy Tones. I've gone as far as 'designing' a pair on the website, but I can't fathom paying THAT much for sneaks. I need to go to the mall and try a pair on to know exactly what size I would be, a 5.5 or 6- but haven't done that yet b/c I know that'll make my desire even worse. I do have a bday in 28days ::HINTHINT:: Honey I know you read my little blogy now.

Who are you right now?

...

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , a lot.

xo
-Kandid Kelli

"Intereality"

photo courtesy of google

I've been blogging [here] for nearly 2yrs (Feb 4, 08). So my baby is getting pretty old, as far as blogs goes. I had a LJ & FOD in HS when those were all the rage but I don't really consider those blogs. I more consider those, "drama starters" b/c thats basically what they were used for back then. To stir-up drama. Anyways I'm digressing, as always.

My blog has changed & transformed over the course of its life. Its changed as I have changed. It started out as a way for people [family & close friends] to keep up with the end of my pregnancy. It was getting scary. One minute they were going to take my baby 10wks early b/c of complications then the next they weren't. We were living U/S to U/S. It was a scary time & I couldn't continue to make the SAME repetitive phone calls to my HUGE family. I made the decision to blog it & they could read it or not.

Then it some how morphed into a pregnant bitchfest about how my parents hated my [soon-to-be-ex]Husband, I had already filled for divorce but it wouldn't be finalized till after E's birth b/c of childsupport issues. Yet I, in my pregnant state-of-mind I thought (even w.the looming divorce, that I FILED) things would be OK & that Mom/Tom should suck it up. HAHA I love them for not

That bring us to Urban Cowgril- & TODAYS Kandid Kelli . Even though the name changed (Thanks Erin for my face lift, Its fab!!) It didn't change my style or who I am. I blog about my life as a young [single] mom who is just living the day to day, w/a clone for a toddler. Thanks karma. I am very kandid (I know its candid for real but for the sake of my name... go with it, thx!) with you all and I have never held back.

When things were good, I raved! When things were bad, you [unfortunately for yall] got the gory deets. I don't think its right to portray something I am not. What good would I be doing? I know the truth. I know what really goes on in my life.

Sure I can make my life look glamourous & wonderful on a computer screen but when I step away It is what it is. I LOVE MY LIFE. TO ME IT IS GLAMOUROUS & WONDERFUL, but for some [most] its not.

I read sooo many blogs. My reader is JAMMMMM PACKED!!! I love each & every single blogger I read, too. I follow a lot of them on Twiter too. I just can't get enough of their wittiness.

But I have to remember, their blog is NOT their [real] life. They only share (besides youLILU & well maybe you too Tia) the good & the glam.

Who wants to write about the knock-down-drag-out fight they had w.their husband/ S.O? Or the humdrum of their everyday life? Why would they want to portray their life as anything but extraordinary?

Just b/c someone is a great writer does not mean YOU WANT THEIR LIFE. They are going to write about the exciting things that happen. The funny events, etc. Don't mistake the internet & what you read in blogs/forums to be 100% truth. Some people may be what you read is what you get, but most aren't. They want it to look like they live the "rockstar" life 24/7.

If you follow me on Twitter you saw me post this, this AM: "Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have." -Unknown. I truly believe that quote. I think a lot of people are just searching for happiness, be happy w.what you have 1st. Then you might be able to stop searching.

...

Have a Fantastic weekend & I hope to see you back here @ Kandid Kelli Monday AM for "Not Me Monday"

I Tweet , do you?

"Some "Me" time is MUCH MUCH over due!"

I am SICK of doing things on OTHER peoples schedules. Seriously.

"I don't know if we can" -- Blah Blah...yah whatever...you run off and do something else and forget I even asked to do something. 

Im DONE waiting for other people, for them to just blow me off.

I have feelings too.

Yes, I have a child. I can still do stuff. Its not a disease.

Shes 2 1/2 months old. Stroller or baby bjorn and Bam Im off!! Its that easy. 

From today on out...I will ask if you want to go you say no, Im not waiting. If I want to go I will go, just me & my girl.

Why does it always have to be YOUR schedule? Why can't we do it on mine? 

Okay so Im pissed off!! Like really pissed off and I tried to call 2 people (to vent), 2 people I am ALWAYS there for (esp. when they need to vent) and guess what...they aren't there for me.

THANKS for hitting the "fuck you" button. Means a whole heck of a lot. I guess over time (and distance and having a baby) you learn who your friends truly are. -- Mom was there for me...as usual. 

I am the type of person who always wants to make others smile and laugh and try to make them happy.

Well NOW its time to make ME (and E) happy. I need ME to be happy.

Im sick of trying to please everyone. I spend more of my time making others happy and NO time makes me happy. 

Well enough of this rant.

Im gunna do some of next weeks homework so I can hang out w.my cousin Bubba while hes on leave and my "adopted" cousin Courtney...separately of course...this week, while im all alone in this big ole house.

xo
-Kelli