Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"The days are winding down..."

...Till the day I am a mommy.

I am scared, but not only about the very nearing prospect of being a mother but that fact that I know I will be doing it alone.

Wether Bob is in Missouri or Kuwait doesn't matter- either way I will be alone. I know  I have a great family and wonderful friends but seriously at the end of the day, when my friends & family have gone back to their lives, when E has been crying all day b/c she is sick or whatever and school has been a bitch and i just want to lay down next to someone, just have some adult time, he wont be there, I wont get that.

I feel like things are never going to change, that Im gunna be married to someone who is always gone. I feel like i'm trying harder at this than he is. Maybe its my hormones but I'm not going to be pregnant for ever. Less than 6 weeks left! 

The thought of being alone scares the crap out of me, Im not going to lie. I just wish it didnt have to be this way. Im scared. I am tired of always wishing for perfection. Im ready for that perfection...when will it be my turn, for my happily ever after?

All I know is no matter what happens, E is my happy ending. I love her so much already and I haven't even met her.

Just the thought that I am growing this little person inside me, makes me soo happy, i can't even describe it, and so excited to have her! 

I really need to finish my thank you notes. I only have 17 left. Im going to do that and the rest of my HW tomorrow!! 

Thats all for now. I am scatter brained, as usual. More to come later.


Monday, February 25, 2008

"Does anyone have directions? Im LOST."

So with being a Navy wife comes separation(s) whether it comes from deployments or training or what have you.

I know this. I knew this when I said "I DO" this wasn't news to me.

The thing that gets me is going on your own free will.

Bobby called me last night when he got out of drill to give me "bad news".

They will be selecting 3 people (2 E3s and a First Class) from his reserve unit to deploy, but we wont know for like a month who is selected. I of course, being 8 1/2 mons pregnant I freaked out. I was in the middle of Babys R Us (buying a swing) crying. I had to call him back so I could calm down.

I mean HELLO! we are so close to him moving down here and us being a family again & this I get this news. 

Okay okay so if he gets SELECTED there's nothing we can do about it, thats the life a of a Navy wife.

Until this morning!

We were talking on the phone and he said he has been thinking about the deployment thing a lot. I have too, so I asked him what he had been thinking about directly.

He told me he thinks it would be EASIER if he just VOLUNTEERED!!!

WTF?! is he kidding?!

He would choose to leave his family!! Thats the MOST insane thing I have ever heard of. 

He thinks that if he volunteers it would help our financial situation. That it would, but it wont help our struggling marriage- we are a blink away from divorce.

Its one thing if he gets SELECTED, there is nothing we could do but what I don't get is why would he volunteer to leave his family. A new born baby and his wife. Why?? I don't and NEVER WILL understand. 

Am I that horrible of a person? Am  I thad horrible of a wife? I want to know what I am doing wrong to make someone who claims he "LOVES" me and E want to go overseas?

Why in Gods name would that even be an option in his mind. Maybe him and I see marriage and family differently but I would NEVER in a million years CHOOSE to leave my family.

I am just so upset by this.

To top it all off Bobby DOESN'T want to talk about it and gets mad at me b.c im mad?! No way! I am ALLOWED to be mad!! I am not only pregnant and alone, b/c he walked out but like i said why in the world would he CHOOSE to leave his family? why? I can't even think straight right now. 

I feel very lost. I feel like im doing something wrong. like I am failing at being a wife. I am to the point where I don't even know what to do any more. I have cried about this so much today.

Im sure i will write more later tonight or tomorrow on this. Sry but thats all I can about. Wish I could focus on my HW or the 3 tests I have this week or the TY notes I have to write. I have to write over 80 of them!


Friday, February 22, 2008

"A step in the right direction"

So if all goes well, Bobby should be living down here (again) really soon!

My mom (yes i said my MOM) has been helping us out in the Job hunt!! and she bought us the changing table so Bobby could use that $$ to buy a plane ticket to come down here to do some interviews!

Hopefully Mom/Tom will let Bobby stay here this time. Who knows?

I just feel like  this is a step in the right direction.

I have been praying and praying for some kind of sign of something & I finally feel like everything is falling into place.

We have been working on our relationship, with it being  long-distance and all.

I feel like all this nonsense os almost over.

This has been worse in some forms than a deployment. Which could still happen, seeing as the Navy will be controlling our lives for the next 2-4 years. Joy. 
IM SO EXCITED ABOUT MY SHOWER TOMORROW!! My besties will be here!! ANDDDD....Wiggle is gunna stay till sunday! :) 

I know its not much but Im having a hard time focusing on anything, I feel kind of like I have ADD or something. My left hip is acting up again from when I fell down the stairs a few months back. :( and Im always tired!! Hopefully I can write a more in-depth and meaningful blog later this evening. 


Friday, February 15, 2008

"Baby Update"

So im telling you Drs. need to make up their gosh darn minds. Bobby and I went to my follow-up ultrasound and apparently Im due April 7...again. Ugh so aggravating. 

I think she will come when shes ready.

All-in-all she looked good and gained 4-oz (in 2 wks)...shes still relatively small but nothing to worry (too much) about right now.

Ohh and Bobby got me a BEAUTIFUL pearl & diamond necklace for Valentines day!! Its my birthstone and I have been wanting one for soo long! Its beautiful! 

Well I will post new Emmy pics, Necklace pics and stuff tomorrow after my baby shower...if im not to tired.

Off to watch a movie, step mom and Bob!!!



Tuesday, February 12, 2008

"To a Hammer everything looks like a nail..."

I should be sleeping right now, but im oddly not tired. Well my body is tired but my mind isn't.  Man I dont even know where to start with this one.


Lets start with me going to Jax friday LATE afternoon...

I didn't call anyone but Hayley and Erin (i was staying with Erin) and on my way home less than 24hrs later i'm getting bitched out (on my voicemail none the less) b/c I didn't call someone. She said she saw it on myspace that I was there. HELLO!

I wasn't trying to hide that fact, Im also supposed to be on pseudo bed-rest. I had a few things to do up there and I did them and that was that. I wasn't there to gallivant around town. But whatever I don't have time between worrying that my baby is gunna be 7 weeks early, 6 classes and my internship to worry about whether or not your gunna still be my friend.

I've known you for almost 3 years, if thats all it takes then I guess we really weren't that good of friends then were we? Oh well like I said I'm not gunna worry about that. 

Oh then Saturday night Erin hears gunshots in her complex and her Zoom-Zoom (her car, its a mazda) completely breaks!! I was freaking out, thats my BESTIE, I don't want her gettin shot. Gah! I found out early sunday morning, when I got up for church and realized I had a fever. I called her at 7 and woke her up. Sorry Wiggle.

Then the ever constant battle mom and tom about my "husband". Im not even getting into this one, it got pretty bad this weekend. Im just so sick of it. Bobby & I realized our faults, we both have them and agreed to work on them.

We both know its not gunna be easy, seeing as he's pretty far away from me and soon to be E but I'm willing if he is and he says he is. I just wish Mom/Pam/Tom would just realize that it's my life. Period. The End. They think it's a mistake, fine they can think that but DON'T verbalize it b/c honestly I don't give a rats ass! I know I live under their roof (for now) but that doesn't give them the right to be asses about everything, esp one of the BIGGEST aspects of my life, My husband. Luckily my dad and stepmom, Jane are willing to give him (Bobby) a chance. That relives some stress on my part. 

Bobby will be here sometime Thursday afternoon (yes Vday) and then we're gunna go out to dinner dad, Jane and 8 y/o sister Destiny. Perfect if you ask me! He will be here until the following Tuesday and we have a pretty full schedule. Staying between my dads and Older sister Alicia's...b/c Mom and Tom wont let him stay here. How lovely right?! Ugh.

Anyways We might go see a movie Thursday after dinner, just me and him.

Friday we have another Ultrasound to check on E's growth (might be delivering her, who knows) Saturday is the first of my two baby showers, This one is mainly for family (Hayley your basically Family) thrown by Jane. It should be fun!!

Sunday Hayley is gunna take pics of Bobby and I at Lake Eloa, she's gunna be there taking 1 y/o pics of her friends 11 month old! Im so excited! She's really good, I've seen past work and those were great! You can only improve over time. :) Thank you Hayley, this means the world to Us. Then CHURCH, if we can make it after pics don't think so though since she's fitting us in. I've been trying to go (to church) since I moved home. Made it 3 out of 7 times, not such a great start but I've been feeling icky lately.

Then I have all day Monday & part of Tuesday left w.him. We might go buy and assemble the crib, who knows. 

Well thats all I know. I really need to go to bed I have a test and 2 assignments left for the week (will finish tomorrow!), but i have to start on two projects (ones due in 4 weeks another is due in a week- need to start incase I have E soon) & get 20 hours in for my internship, by Friday, pref. Thursday so I can spend time with Bobby not doing homework . Gah.

Okay thats all for now Folks!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

?Am I asking for too much??"

Maybe its the hopeless romantic in me that wants to be treated well or I see how well my friends hubbys treat them and want that too, but from my "one and only". 

Yes folks I'm still stuck on this. If it gets better I will move on but it seems as if its getting worse.

Im to the point where I just dont know what to do. I feel helpless. I wonder if its me or something I'm doing. 

I feel like I am slowly failing. 

I DONT like feeling like this. :( I am the type of person who likes to make my loved ones happy, i hate seeing my friends, etc unhappy. 

I am the last person I try to make happy & I should be the first. I should strive to be happy. I know this, but sadly I don't know how to do that, Im so worried about everyone else I forget about me.

I want the impossible. Thats my major problem. I want the perfect "movie/TV" family. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to be the ONLY thing he can think about, I want to be the one he can't live without. I want him to look at me after years and kids and still find me beautiful. I want to be the cool "soccer/ballet" mom. The mom who is always there, but not overbearing. I want the PERFECT (or as close to perfect as possible) marriage. I want someone who loves me for ALL of me and my quarks. 

I will be giving birth to his daughter in about a month (time really flew by) and despite what most think, a baby doesn't fix everything, it can and usually does makes things worse. She is this little miracle and I dont want her to catch any flack from us. I want her life to be perfect. I am scared that I won't be a good mommy, and to top it all off Im having problems with my husband.

I ask God to help me figure everything out. I just dont feel like I am hearing his answers. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions or Im not listening hard enough.

I am scared to be alone yes I know that makes me weak but I am only human. I have been alone since Oct 4, 07 when Bobby left for MO. :( I have been scared ever since. If I smile its not real. I put on a terrific front.

Well before I reveal anymore of my tattered soul Im gunna end this. IDK who actually reads this, but writing here really helps. Thanks for being such a grand listener!! :) 

Thats all Folks. Bye Yall


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

"I want and DESERVE to be treated like a princess!!"

All you know it all lovers better heed some advice,
If you're bad to your baby, you'd better think twice.
Love don't come easy, love ain't blind.
You've got to show her you love her, morning and night,
Be there for her just to make things right.
Make her believe till there ain't a doubt in her mind.

Better baby your baby with a love that's strong,
Hold her and tell her you'll never do wrong.
Better baby your Baby, 'cause if you don't
One day your baby'll be gone.

Don't let her get lonely, don't make her cry,
Don't take her for granted,
don't tell her a lie.
Bring her red roses when she's blue.
Give her the best of what you've got to give,
You'll be together as long as you live
Better baby your Baby, she'll baby you.

That song is perfect! Its exactly how I feel. Except I DONT get treated that way. 

In the last two weeks something has changed, its like someone flipped a switch. 

He has changed, in a way I DONT like. 

He barley calls me anymore, and when he does its short. He used to call me 3-4xs a day while at work and then when he got off and was on his way home. Now i'm lucky if we talk 2xs ALL day. His txts are one worded and he doesn't seem to care if he gets back down here or not. 

He hates my mom (and her him) and he said he would rather stay in MO then be here close to my mom. 

The places i'm looking to live are w/in 5mi of my mom. I like this part of town. Its safe and very family orientated. Doesn't mean we have to go to my moms all the time. Its  not like i'm asking him to be her BFF. 

I am asking him to come back and be my HUSBAND. 

I think I deserve to be treated like a QUEEN!! 

Thats not asking too much. We're still newlyweds...geez! 

Its only been 9 mons. he says he doesn't have anything to talk to me about. That shouldn't happen this early or ever in a marriage. If we were together it might be easier to talk, but since we're NOT he needs to try harder. He doesnt tell me ANYTHING!!! I mean come on...the little things are okay with me. 

I feel like I have dropped to the bottom of his priority list or that i have been pushed aside. 


ugh! I feel very unloved. He never asks me how i am feeling or anything (i mean hello, i am on quasi-bedrest), and all this is in the past 2 weeks...IDK what to do. Im just getting really sick of it.

I am tired and feel like im repeating myself. I think the song says how i want to be treated.

Night Yall


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

"Im alone & that scares me...does that make me weak?"

I officially have no life. I sit here all day, doing or homework or nothing at all. I am living life through my friends...

...My worst nightmare has officially come true.

Being alone.

I mean I am never really alone because E is always with me but I'm a town thats supposed to be "home" but I feel like a visitor.

I feel like anytime I will be heading back to Jacksonville. At one time  I was just a visitor in Jax and WP was my home but now after living in Jacksonville for 4 yrs that quickly became my home. The friends I made in jax were more like family then friends. I miss that. I miss always having someone to hangout with or go to dinner with.  

I dont have any friends here (i have like 1 or 2). We all graduated HS and went our separate ways. Some went away to college some stayed and did the CC thing. Basically we all drifted way from each other. Seeing as we graduated 4 yrs ago. 

I look forward to doing silly things such as going to the bank or Publix; thats how pathetic my life has become. If I go run errands mom she drives b/c she says I make her nervous. I just feel like a child living here. I want my own place again. My mom and i got along better when I didnt live at home.

gah.  After livin on my own for 4 yrs coming back home is HARDER than you would think. But to live in my own place I need $$ and i dont have $$ b/c I dont have a job. I dont have a job because I'm 32wks pregnant, taking 6 classes and doing my internship!! Im slightly busy. 
Im seriously depressed.

I have been alone almost the whole time i've been pregnant and its starting to look like I will be raising her alone. 

Im jealous of the ladies whose husbands and fiances or b/fs are home every night.  I never thought in a million years my life would turn out like this. Jealousy is not a good thing. I HATE being jealous. 

I also hate the way I sad, depressed. Im pregnant this should be the happiest time in my life. Don't get me wrong im EXCITED about being a mommy and about meeting little E, but being alone makes me sad.

I feel like im weak for feeling this way.

Im off to be productive...Im sure i'll write more later...maybe tonight?

Bye Yall


Monday, February 4, 2008

"Short & Sweet"

So I had a wonderful idea for a blog but I cant concentrate b/c E is flipfloping around (I love that feeling) and i keep gettin weird pains.

Let me tell you being 8 mons pregnant is no walk in the park. Im sore ALL over.

Anyways...i am SOOOOO excited about *SUPER TUESDAY* tomorrow!!

GOOO Mit Romney!!! I hope he takes the lead!! 

I will have a more insightful blog later. Prolly tomorrow when I can concentrate better.

Bye Yall


"Baby Update"

Well I had my ultrasound Friday, Feb 1.

First things first my due date is back to March 30..where it should be, NAS should have never changed it. 

Secondly she only weights 3 lbs 8 oz--way too small for me being 32 weeks (i'm 31w5d) she's already in position and she's already practicing breathing. 

The Dr said that it looks like blood flow from the placenta to the baby has slowed down significantly, that usually signals that the body is going to go into labor. Thats what happens when your ready to deliver, blood flow slows down. Hence why she is so small. 

The Dr said at that she should be 4 1/2- 5 lbs. So I have a Dr.s apt Dr in two weeks and i have another ultrasound @ Winnie Palmer the in 2 wks as well. The Dr. said that sometimes in 2wks babies can catch-up but he doesn't want to be too careful. If in two wks she hasn't grown much and the blood flow is still slow they might deliver her or put me on serious bedrest. (my aunt was an L&D nurse for yrs and concurred w.what the DR said) He told me its nothing that i have or have not done, just to take it easy and relax.
How the hell am I supposed to relax? You tell me not-so-good news about my baby...then tell me to relax! Are you insane!


On a SUPER POSITIVE note...Shes beautiful. They did a 4D and it was AMAZING! If your pregnant, I highly recommend getting one...its WELL WORTH IT!

Well since many of you have already read this...thats all for now. Stay tuned for more of my ramblings!! I promise they will be much funnier and cheerier than this one. :)

Bye Yall