Tuesday, February 5, 2008

"Im alone & that scares me...does that make me weak?"

I officially have no life. I sit here all day, doing or homework or nothing at all. I am living life through my friends...

...My worst nightmare has officially come true.

Being alone.

I mean I am never really alone because E is always with me but I'm a town thats supposed to be "home" but I feel like a visitor.

I feel like anytime I will be heading back to Jacksonville. At one time  I was just a visitor in Jax and WP was my home but now after living in Jacksonville for 4 yrs that quickly became my home. The friends I made in jax were more like family then friends. I miss that. I miss always having someone to hangout with or go to dinner with.  

I dont have any friends here (i have like 1 or 2). We all graduated HS and went our separate ways. Some went away to college some stayed and did the CC thing. Basically we all drifted way from each other. Seeing as we graduated 4 yrs ago. 

I look forward to doing silly things such as going to the bank or Publix; thats how pathetic my life has become. If I go run errands w.my mom she drives b/c she says I make her nervous. I just feel like a child living here. I want my own place again. My mom and i got along better when I didnt live at home.

gah.  After livin on my own for 4 yrs coming back home is HARDER than you would think. But to live in my own place I need $$ and i dont have $$ b/c I dont have a job. I dont have a job because I'm 32wks pregnant, taking 6 classes and doing my internship!! Im slightly busy. 
Im seriously depressed.

I have been alone almost the whole time i've been pregnant and its starting to look like I will be raising her alone. 

Im jealous of the ladies whose husbands and fiances or b/fs are home every night.  I never thought in a million years my life would turn out like this. Jealousy is not a good thing. I HATE being jealous. 

I also hate the way I feel...im sad, depressed. Im pregnant this should be the happiest time in my life. Don't get me wrong im EXCITED about being a mommy and about meeting little E, but being alone makes me sad.

I feel like im weak for feeling this way.

Im off to be productive...Im sure i'll write more later...maybe tonight?

Bye Yall


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