"Roxy Said it best..."

...Im lonelier MARRIED to him then I was when I was SINGLE.

I need 'this' to be over. 

Back to HW then a NEW Army Wives....

xo
-Kelli

"Too much "me" time isn't always good..."

...Yah.

Strange that someone would say that but, honestly thats how I feel.

I have had so much "me" time in the past couple of weeks. When I am alone I find myself thinking about all sorts of random things, I know I wouldn't normally be thinking about, but my loneliness and most of the time boredom, lets my mind run wild.

I find myself becoming more and more jaded over time. Im starting not to care. Basically my life isn't what I thought it would be, right now & there is very little I can do about it. 

I never thought I would be 21, married (on the brink of divorce), pregnant and living with my parents b/c of said divorce b/c 'husband' walked out. 

Every little girl has her wedding planed by the time they reach the age of 10. I have to admit my wedding has been planned for a very long time, I was one of those little girls.

All I needed was a Man who LOVED me enough to marry me and a Ring on that all important finger. Well I got the man (who doesnt love me) and the ring (that I bought.. for myself... good God), but I didn't get my wedding. We wanted to start our lives together we needed BAH, so we eloped .

No one knew we were doing except his chief, he needed the day off, and I became a Mrs. with just God (& the person who married us) as my witness. It hasn't bothered me until this evening.

In the past I just told myself, I don't need a wedding, I don't need all the frills. and in reality I don't NEED those things, no, I WANT them.

Sometimes I wonder if we should have waited to get married, done it the "right" way, had our MY wedding.

Would my Mom be more excepting if we did it that way?
Would she be the proud in-law?

But then I think, If we would have waited we wouldn't be expecting our little miracle any day now, and I honestly can't imagine life where she doesn't exist.  For almost 9 months this little being has been dependent on me! That alone is a huge responsibility. Then being a mommy is an even bigger responsibility, one I am excited to take on!! but its one I want to take on w.my husband by my side, a husband I don't have... (soon to be) divorce is a bitch. 

I am stressing about school, and my graduation date, about the lack of husband I have, where he can stay when he moves... like that is MY problem, that I swear all of this is going to throw me into labor.

I am physically exhausted ALL the time, I am mentally burnt-out and emotionally I am frazzled. 

I look around my room @ pictures of us that used to adorn the walls and tables and counters in our apartment and I cry.

I cry b/c I miss being part of an "US". I miss rolling over and him someone being there, I miss his the manly smell, I miss his flirty playful teasing and tickling. I MISS MY having A HUSBAND, I DO NOT MISS ROBERT.

I pray and pray and pray. I know God doesn't give you things you can't handle.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I will continue to pray and hope. But for now I cry myself to sleep.

I don't have any real friends down here, I spend most of my time alone b/c my parents are very active and have a busy lifestyle.

I am not used to so much alone time. I am a social person by nature and this is slowly killing my spirt.

I feel like I can't go on anymore sometimes, I feel as if I can't get out of bed. The longer I stay there the shorter my day is and less likely for it to suck more life out of me.

Soon I will have no choice I will have to get up and do the things required of a mommy. E can't take care of herself, thats what I am for. But I ask, who takes care of the mommy?

xo
-Kelli

"He does that..."

I was looking at a friends myspace and came across this quote:

"find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat. who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead. who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. who holds your hand in front of his friends. who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

I want this...

Some people tell me he's not my prince and others tell me to leave him. 

I feel that if we get past ALL of our issues and he is here w.Me and E & we're a family again that he will in fact be my prince. We just have a lot to work on, and its 100xs harder then a normal couple, hes 2000mi away! :( I think I am trying to wish the problems away, but I think I know what I have to do. 

I am a sap and a hopeless romantic and I want to believe that we will make it through this prickly patch and come out STRONGER & HAPPIER, as a couple, as a mommy & daddy and as individuals. 

Sadly only time will tell. and before we know it, we're gunna be parents. Less than 35 days till she's due and Im pretty sure she's gunna come EARLY! Make her appearance when least expected, thats what I did. So basically I will be a mommy ANY DAY NOW!

I will continue to pray and lean on God for support. I know one way or another I will get through this. God NEVER gives you something you can't handle. 

Im off to do some relaxing sudoku, then bed. Im tired, as always.

xo

-Kelli

"The days are winding down..."

...Till the day I am a mommy.

I am scared, but not only about the very nearing prospect of being a mother but that fact that I know I will be doing it alone.

Wether Bob is in Missouri or Kuwait doesn't matter- either way I will be alone. I know  I have a great family and wonderful friends but seriously at the end of the day, when my friends & family have gone back to their lives, when E has been crying all day b/c she is sick or whatever and school has been a bitch and i just want to lay down next to someone, just have some adult time, he wont be there, I wont get that.

I feel like things are never going to change, that Im gunna be married to someone who is always gone. I feel like i'm trying harder at this than he is. Maybe its my hormones but I'm not going to be pregnant for ever. Less than 6 weeks left! 

The thought of being alone scares the crap out of me, Im not going to lie. I just wish it didnt have to be this way. Im scared. I am tired of always wishing for perfection. Im ready for that perfection...when will it be my turn, for my happily ever after?

All I know is no matter what happens, E is my happy ending. I love her so much already and I haven't even met her.

Just the thought that I am growing this little person inside me, makes me soo happy, i can't even describe it, and so excited to have her! 

I really need to finish my thank you notes. I only have 17 left. Im going to do that and the rest of my HW tomorrow!! 

Thats all for now. I am scatter brained, as usual. More to come later.

xo
-Kelli

"I want and DESERVE to be treated like a princess!!"

All you know it all lovers better heed some advice,
If you're bad to your baby, you'd better think twice.
Love don't come easy, love ain't blind.
You've got to show her you love her, morning and night,
Be there for her just to make things right.
Make her believe till there ain't a doubt in her mind.

[Chorus:]
Better baby your baby with a love that's strong,
Hold her and tell her you'll never do wrong.
Better baby your Baby, 'cause if you don't
One day your baby'll be gone.

Don't let her get lonely, don't make her cry,
Don't take her for granted, don't tell her a lie.
Bring her red roses when she's blue.
Give her the best of what you've got to give,
You'll be together as long as you live,
Better baby your Baby, she'll baby you.

That song is perfect! Its exactly how I feel. Except I DONT get treated that way. 


In the last two weeks something has changed, its like someone flipped a switch. 


He has changed, in a way I DONT like. 


He barley calls me anymore, and when he does its short. He used to call me 3-4xs a day while at work and then when he got off and was on his way home. Now i'm lucky if we talk 2xs ALL day. His txts are one worded and he doesn't seem to care if he gets back down here or not. 


He hates my mom (and her him) and he said he would rather stay in MO then be here close to my mom. 


The places i'm looking to live are w/in 5mi of my mom. I like this part of town. Its safe and very family orientated. Doesn't mean we have to go to my moms all the time. Its  not like i'm asking him to be her BFF. 


I am asking him to come back and be my HUSBAND. 


I think I deserve to be treated like a QUEEN!! 


Thats not asking too much. We're still newlyweds...geez! 


Its only been 9 mons. he says he doesn't have anything to talk to me about. That shouldn't happen this early or ever in a marriage. If we were together it might be easier to talk, but since we're NOT he needs to try harder. He doesnt tell me ANYTHING!!! I mean come on...the little things are okay with me. 


I feel like I have dropped to the bottom of his priority list or that i have been pushed aside. 


I AM HIS WIFE!!!!! 


ugh! I feel very unloved. He never asks me how i am feeling or anything (i mean hello, i am on quasi-bedrest), and all this is in the past 2 weeks...IDK what to do. Im just getting really sick of it.

I am tired and feel like im repeating myself. I think the song says how i want to be treated.

Night Yall


xo
-Kelli

"Im alone & that scares me...does that make me weak?"

I officially have no life. I sit here all day, doing or homework or nothing at all. I am living life through my friends...

...My worst nightmare has officially come true.

Being alone.

I mean I am never really alone because E is always with me but I'm a town thats supposed to be "home" but I feel like a visitor.

I feel like anytime I will be heading back to Jacksonville. At one time  I was just a visitor in Jax and WP was my home but now after living in Jacksonville for 4 yrs that quickly became my home. The friends I made in jax were more like family then friends. I miss that. I miss always having someone to hangout with or go to dinner with.  

I dont have any friends here (i have like 1 or 2). We all graduated HS and went our separate ways. Some went away to college some stayed and did the CC thing. Basically we all drifted way from each other. Seeing as we graduated 4 yrs ago. 

I look forward to doing silly things such as going to the bank or Publix; thats how pathetic my life has become. If I go run errands w.my mom she drives b/c she says I make her nervous. I just feel like a child living here. I want my own place again. My mom and i got along better when I didnt live at home.

gah.  After livin on my own for 4 yrs coming back home is HARDER than you would think. But to live in my own place I need $$ and i dont have $$ b/c I dont have a job. I dont have a job because I'm 32wks pregnant, taking 6 classes and doing my internship!! Im slightly busy. 

Im seriously depressed.

I have been alone almost the whole time i've been pregnant and its starting to look like I will be raising her alone. 

Im jealous of the ladies whose husbands and fiances or b/fs are home every night.  I never thought in a million years my life would turn out like this. Jealousy is not a good thing. I HATE being jealous. 

I also hate the way I feel...im sad, depressed. Im pregnant this should be the happiest time in my life. Don't get me wrong im EXCITED about being a mommy and about meeting little E, but being alone makes me sad.

I feel like im weak for feeling this way.

Im off to be productive...Im sure i'll write more later...maybe tonight?

Bye Yall

xo
-Kelli