Saturday, March 8, 2008

"Too much "me" time isn't always good..."


Strange that someone would say that but, honestly thats how I feel.

I have had so much "me" time in the past couple of weeks. When I am alone I find myself thinking about all sorts of random things, I know I wouldn't normally be thinking about, but my loneliness and most of the time boredom, lets my mind run wild.

I find myself becoming more and more jaded over time. Im starting not to care. Basically my life isn't what I thought it would be, right now & there is very little I can do about it. 

I never thought I would be 21, married (on the brink of divorce), pregnant and living with my parents b/c of said divorce b/c 'husband' walked out. 

Every little girl has her wedding planed by the time they reach the age of 10. I have to admit my wedding has been planned for a very long time, I was one of those little girls.

All I needed was a Man who LOVED me enough to marry me and a Ring on that all important finger. Well I got the man (who doesnt love me) and the ring (that I bought.. for myself... good God), but I didn't get my wedding. We wanted to start our lives together we needed BAH, so we eloped .

No one knew we were doing except his chief, he needed the day off, and I became a Mrs. with just God (& the person who married us) as my witness. It hasn't bothered me until this evening.

In the past I just told myself, I don't need a wedding, I don't need all the frills. and in reality I don't NEED those things, no, I WANT them.

Sometimes I wonder if we should have waited to get married, done it the "right" way, had our MY wedding.

Would my Mom be more excepting if we did it that way?
Would she be the proud in-law?

But then I think, If we would have waited we wouldn't be expecting our little miracle any day now, and I honestly can't imagine life where she doesn't exist.  For almost 9 months this little being has been dependent on me! That alone is a huge responsibility. Then being a mommy is an even bigger responsibility, one I am excited to take on!! but its one I want to take on husband by my side, a husband I don't have... (soon to be) divorce is a bitch. 

I am stressing about school, and my graduation date, about the lack of husband I have, where he can stay when he moves... like that is MY problem, that I swear all of this is going to throw me into labor.

I am physically exhausted ALL the time, I am mentally burnt-out and emotionally I am frazzled. 

I look around my room @ pictures of us that used to adorn the walls and tables and counters in our apartment and I cry.

I cry b/c I miss being part of an "US". I miss rolling over and him someone being there, I miss his the manly smell, I miss his flirty playful teasing and tickling. I MISS MY having A HUSBAND, I DO NOT MISS ROBERT.

I pray and pray and pray. I know God doesn't give you things you can't handle.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I will continue to pray and hope. But for now I cry myself to sleep.

I don't have any real friends down here, I spend most of my time alone b/c my parents are very active and have a busy lifestyle.

I am not used to so much alone time. I am a social person by nature and this is slowly killing my spirt.

I feel like I can't go on anymore sometimes, I feel as if I can't get out of bed. The longer I stay there the shorter my day is and less likely for it to suck more life out of me.

Soon I will have no choice I will have to get up and do the things required of a mommy. E can't take care of herself, thats what I am for. But I ask, who takes care of the mommy?


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