Monday, February 25, 2008

"Does anyone have directions? Im LOST."

So with being a Navy wife comes separation(s) whether it comes from deployments or training or what have you.

I know this. I knew this when I said "I DO" this wasn't news to me.

The thing that gets me is going on your own free will.

Bobby called me last night when he got out of drill to give me "bad news".

They will be selecting 3 people (2 E3s and a First Class) from his reserve unit to deploy, but we wont know for like a month who is selected. I of course, being 8 1/2 mons pregnant I freaked out. I was in the middle of Babys R Us (buying a swing) crying. I had to call him back so I could calm down.

I mean HELLO! we are so close to him moving down here and us being a family again & this I get this news. 

Okay okay so if he gets SELECTED there's nothing we can do about it, thats the life a of a Navy wife.

Until this morning!

We were talking on the phone and he said he has been thinking about the deployment thing a lot. I have too, so I asked him what he had been thinking about directly.

He told me he thinks it would be EASIER if he just VOLUNTEERED!!!

WTF?! is he kidding?!

He would choose to leave his family!! Thats the MOST insane thing I have ever heard of. 

He thinks that if he volunteers it would help our financial situation. That it would, but it wont help our struggling marriage- we are a blink away from divorce.

Its one thing if he gets SELECTED, there is nothing we could do but what I don't get is why would he volunteer to leave his family. A new born baby and his wife. Why?? I don't and NEVER WILL understand. 

Am I that horrible of a person? Am  I thad horrible of a wife? I want to know what I am doing wrong to make someone who claims he "LOVES" me and E want to go overseas?

Why in Gods name would that even be an option in his mind. Maybe him and I see marriage and family differently but I would NEVER in a million years CHOOSE to leave my family.

I am just so upset by this.

To top it all off Bobby DOESN'T want to talk about it and gets mad at me b.c im mad?! No way! I am ALLOWED to be mad!! I am not only pregnant and alone, b/c he walked out but like i said why in the world would he CHOOSE to leave his family? why? I can't even think straight right now. 

I feel very lost. I feel like im doing something wrong. like I am failing at being a wife. I am to the point where I don't even know what to do any more. I have cried about this so much today.

Im sure i will write more later tonight or tomorrow on this. Sry but thats all I can about. Wish I could focus on my HW or the 3 tests I have this week or the TY notes I have to write. I have to write over 80 of them!


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