Thursday, February 7, 2008

?Am I asking for too much??"

Maybe its the hopeless romantic in me that wants to be treated well or I see how well my friends hubbys treat them and want that too, but from my "one and only". 

Yes folks I'm still stuck on this. If it gets better I will move on but it seems as if its getting worse.

Im to the point where I just dont know what to do. I feel helpless. I wonder if its me or something I'm doing. 

I feel like I am slowly failing. 

I DONT like feeling like this. :( I am the type of person who likes to make my loved ones happy, i hate seeing my friends, etc unhappy. 

I am the last person I try to make happy & I should be the first. I should strive to be happy. I know this, but sadly I don't know how to do that, Im so worried about everyone else I forget about me.

I want the impossible. Thats my major problem. I want the perfect "movie/TV" family. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to be the ONLY thing he can think about, I want to be the one he can't live without. I want him to look at me after years and kids and still find me beautiful. I want to be the cool "soccer/ballet" mom. The mom who is always there, but not overbearing. I want the PERFECT (or as close to perfect as possible) marriage. I want someone who loves me for ALL of me and my quarks. 

I will be giving birth to his daughter in about a month (time really flew by) and despite what most think, a baby doesn't fix everything, it can and usually does makes things worse. She is this little miracle and I dont want her to catch any flack from us. I want her life to be perfect. I am scared that I won't be a good mommy, and to top it all off Im having problems with my husband.

I ask God to help me figure everything out. I just dont feel like I am hearing his answers. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions or Im not listening hard enough.

I am scared to be alone yes I know that makes me weak but I am only human. I have been alone since Oct 4, 07 when Bobby left for MO. :( I have been scared ever since. If I smile its not real. I put on a terrific front.

Well before I reveal anymore of my tattered soul Im gunna end this. IDK who actually reads this, but writing here really helps. Thanks for being such a grand listener!! :) 

Thats all Folks. Bye Yall


No comments: