Saturday, November 15, 2008

Failure I am

Sometimes I wish I had someone to share Emmerie's moments and milestones with. It makes me sad to know that I have nobody to share it with. The other day she almost took her FIRST STEP and I just started to cry. Here She is so excited about this and to see her smile like that is awesome. But, there is nobody to share that moment with.

I feel like a failure. I have failed Emmerie. I have been so selfish and that is why I have failed her. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I put the fact that I thought I needed to be treated better in front of her well-being. Maybe if I would have just sucked it up maybe Emmy would have a daddy, Not just a sperm donor.

I should have have let everything go, who cares if I am not being treated right?!?!? Just as long as my baby gets the best of the best. It hurts me more than anything to know that I runied the fact that my daughter has a father and not a daddy. I did this to her.

I tried all that I could, I did everything that I thought was right, I just thought that I needed something more or needed to be treated better and that is what messed me up. What hurts the most is that I as her mommy should have thought of this before, though of the ramifications of a little girl not having a daddy. I see how she is with Matt, she LOVES him. and I know thats how she would be if she had a daddy, she would be such a daddies girl. it hurts more than words could describe...that I did this to her, I have failed her in the most important way.

This is going to cause some serious issues later on in life...b/c of me!


fsuchica819 said...

Please stop thinking this way. Because you were thinking of yourself, it means you will find someone who treats you with RESPECT and loves you and your beautiful daughter. He may not be around for the first milestones, but he will be around for the big ones, like HS Graduation, College Graduation, her WEDDING, and the birth of her own beautiful kids. It will all be okay. I love you. You can always share them with me via vid chat! =)

E. Wiggle™ said...

I'm not even going to sugar coat this: that is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. Sorry, but it is. Not only does he not deserve to be a daddy, he shouldn't be. He is incapable of loving himself. What makes you think he can love another human being? You've provided more for that child in her short seven years than he he could during her entire life. I will not let you sit here and mope about and blame yourself for his unworthiness. Granted, I wish you would have listened to others and realized this before you got in this mess. I wish you would have quit being impatient and waited for someone worth having a child with. However, Emmy is wonderful and us aunts know it! You have plenty of people to watch her grown. I mean, duh, we all do every day on MySpace when you insist on posting a gazillion pictures! (haha)

But seriously, I love you and her. Mucho mucho. :)