Saturday, January 2, 2010

"5 yrs ago..."

[This was supposed to be posted on the 29th but Internet was down until today]

On 12/29/04 I lost my first child, @ 16.6 weeks to a partial miscarriage.

I do ask one thing of my readers, I don't mind sharing personal things with you all, if you choose to leave a comment please remember we are all adults. No one is forcing you to read this blog & there is no reason to leave mean or nasty comments. With that said...

Most look at a woman, esp. a younger woman with a child and assume it was easy for her to have that child. That is not always the case.

A lot of women suffer through miscarriages, in silence. Some choose not to talk about it or only talk to people close to them.

I have always, for as long as I can remember wanted to be a BRIDE, then A MOMMY. Well things don't always work out the way YOU planned. I feel HEAD OVER HEELS for a MAN 6 yrs my senior when I was 17 [he was 24, with a 4yr old]. He was my FRIST love, my FRIST everything. Well in one of my many "day" trips home from college I got pregnant. [I know exactly when it was but yall don't need that much info].

I didn't tell a SINGLE person. I was scared. I was 18. I was a freshman in COLLEGE. There was another girl in my dorm MOVING OUT, b.c she was pregnant. AND the father of the baby, my first love, was with another girl, one of my [then ex] friends. [I have let bygones be bygones] I am pro-life. I acted like nothing had changed. I went to my OB, alone. Confirmed, 8wks. I became DD, always, no one asked questions bc we had stopped drawing straws, I volunteered.

When I started to gain weight, visibly, most thought, freshman 15. My dance teacher was the first to ask "Are you pregnant? or do you need to go see our nutritionist?" I had to tell her b/c the excess weight was tearing up my toes (I danced pointe) & killing my ankles. I was put in a younger kid ballet class to keep my activity up & to stay healthy.

I had 2 u/s. One @ 8weeks5days when I was confirmed & one at 15weeks2days. At my 15.2 wk u/s the tech told me that if she was a betting woman she would say it was a girl, b/c the baby was "spread eagle and there was nothing "extra" in there but that I could schedule a gender scan in a few weeks to be sure. I wanted to be sure, you know before I broke the news to my family that I was having a baby.

So I went back to my exam room & waited for my doctor [this office was great... they did EVERYTHING THERE] I talked to her about a gender scan & she told her about prices. I was paying out of pocket b/c if my dads insurance found out I would have been dropped. It was scheduled for when my next apt was, 1 month away. That would put me at 21 weeks. About then I would not be able to hide it anymore.

I never made it to my gender scan. I went home for Christmas break a few days later. I tried to meet up w.the father before Christmas. I had seen him over Thanksgiving, briefly. I told him I thought I was pregnant (I knew I was) & that it was me or her. He picked her. He needed to want me for the right reasons, not b/c I was pregnant. Our schedules never meshed. But I knew we NEEDED to talk. This was important. We had scheduled to talk the day I was going back to Jax. The 29th. I wanted to spend NYE with my friends.

It was the 23. While I was home I started to feel icky & my back was KILLING me. I brushed it off as the lack of sleep the night before, the packing to go home & 2 hr drive home that day. I rested and went to bed early, If I was coming down with something I needed it to go away on its own b/c I couldn't take anything.

I had Christmas festivities & shopping to do with my younger (by 1.5yrs) sister so I had to push the icky/blah feeling aside and bring on the Jingle & the Bells!

The next few days were a blur. I didn't have time to feel sick. But by the 27th the pain in my back and now in my lower abdomen were hard to ignore. I was having cramp like pains & i have seen slight light pink color to my urine. I CALLED MY OB asap. I was scared & still doing this on my own (till I met w.the father in 2days). She said that the 'cramping' I was feeling was probably just tendons stretching from the baby growing and that was what I was feeling & said that some women 'spot' while pregnant, but wanted to see me in the office as soon as I got back to Jax.

I was driving back in 2days, after meeting w.J.

The 28th I didn't have any plans but to pack my stuff up, so I slept in. Got up ate some food took a nap. I was EXHAUSTED & had no idea why. I guess the business of my days caught up I still had the pain. No as sharp.

The day went along kind of slow, just a relaxing day at home. My sister and I had plans to go to the movies, I bailed. I went to bed early, again. The thought of telling someone in less then 24hrs that I was carrying his baby was waring on me.

I woke up at around 230a (on the 29th) with horrible pains and a sudden urge to pee. [TMI?] I went to the restroom & I was horrified. If you know what happens when a woman miscarries then you know what I saw when I pulled down my pants. I luckily had my cell [I had used it as a light in the dark hallway]. I was shaking. I called my OB. The answering service said that she would call me back with in 5 mins. I was crying. Alone.

My OB called. I described what was going on what I was seeing. After talking to me for about 15/20 mins she told me that it sounded like I had had a partial miscarriage , but wouldn't know till I could get into the office. I would most likely need a D&C to remove what was left & prevent infection. She asked if I could be back in Jax by that afternoon. I said yes.

I called J at about 6am. Told him we needed to meet sooner then scheduled. I told him everything, though tears. I felt he should know. I went back home and told my mom in confidence, she swore to secrecy. I was a mess and my mom is my bestfriend and I needed her.

I should have had RhoGAM. My OB feels if I would have had the RhoGAM, when I found out I was preg (10wks) the miscarrige could have been prevented. (I had 3shots of it w.E).

I had another miscarriage in April of 07. My OB confirmed me at 4wks4days- very early to catch pregnancy, a HPT, prolly wouldn't have caught that she said. --I couldn't hold in another pregnancy. I called my mom, she was devastated, I had another year of college left and I had only known GD, the father, for such a short period of time. This was in early March, lets FF to April 15.

We went to dinner at a friends house, GD had told his friend I was preg his friends wife was excited (they had a little girl who had just turned 1) she was like you can have all our old stuff before we move, a lot is gender neutral! I went to the RR before we ate dinner and I noticed some light spotting. I was worried but not overly concerned, It was light & I had an apt in 2 days. I put some TP in my undies [TMI? Sorry] and went on w.dinner. I had some slight cramping later that night but figured it was from dinner. But from experience I knew I needed to be careful & not brush the cramping/spotting off. I woke up early the next AM April 16, to put final touches on a paper. When I finally went to the RR that morning. I just started to worry. There was a lot more and darker spotting. I went to the ER. I was taken back immediately I was shaking and I was a mess. I miscarried at 10wks2days.

Loosing a child is hard, in an unexplainable way. I know they [s/he] weren't born yet but they were still my children.

Thx for sticking with me [us]... the journey REALLY has just begun!


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Anonymous said...

This post had me crying. Thank you for writing about this, Kelli. So many women go through miscarriages, and it's never talked about. You are so brave for sharing your story. I'm terribly sorry for your losses.


BB! said...

I love you.

My "special project" is almost done.