As promised numerous times last week. -THIS- AND -THIS-
Incase you missed my
If, he stays behind we will A) be in the same predicament we were in last yr (before I moved) B) I will be planning OUR wedding, ALONE till he gets to FL- Why yes I am starting a yr in advance (well not entirely alone b/c I have the BEST MOH and b/f a girl could ask for , but DANG is she busy... like 4 vacays this summer and a class. Goodness- I understand thats just this summer and its going to take about a yr to plan... sry DIGRESSING) & C) E is older now and is going to be conussed wondering "where is my daddy" that MORE THEN anything is going to tear my heart to shreds. They have a bond like no other. It is precious, and it is growing everyday, I would hate for them to loose all that possible bonding time & have to basically have to start all over again when he finally gets to move.
You all are probably asking why we are "relocating"? I just belong in the south. M gets aggravated with me and says "that I didn't give PA a fair chance" oh but I did. He also forgets ever so quickly (when he sees his paychecks) that IT WAS HIS IDEA TO MOVE BACK TO FL AND FOR ME TO TRANSFER TO UCF. I didn't, for one second, think of saying no. I was and obvi still am, ALL for it.
He mentioned it one night when we were laying in bed talking, it was right before spring break. He went as far as finding apts he liked and begged [yes begged] me to go look at them while I was home. I did. I also had an apt with some higher ups at UCF in Masters dept for Ex.Ed. to find out if the classes I have taken will actually transfer, they will. Thats what sealed the deal. I am currently at a private college and I am paying 3xs as much for classes here then I would at UCF so if UCF wouldn't except my classes, I wouldn't transfer. I can't afford to just throw that much money and time away.
I love Ms family, so much. But outside of his family I know all of 2 people up here. The ladies in my classes, are all very busy women (yes women, I am the YOUNGEST in all of my classes... Im 23 yrs old) The average age of the women in my classes is 36. That aint no thang but they either A) work full time and have a billion kids at home or B) stay-at-home with their billion kids and live too far away to be able to feasibly get together before having to pick-up their offsprings up from school.
Then theres the "rude northerners" I have met very few of this type but theres always one or two. Lemme tell you SHE IS HEINOUS.
So needless to say: I am lonely. I am engaged to my bestfriend (thats every girls dream- when I don't want to rip his head off), I have a terrific daughter, who I couldn't live w.o, I love watching her grow & learn, everyday. But I have never been as lonely as I am now.
In FL I didn't have alot of friends but I don't need a lot of friends, the ones I have are the greatest friends anyone could ask for. My bestfriend is a short 2 hr drive away and I knew I could pack up and go stay with her for a few days if I needed to. I miss seeing her a few times a month. I haven't seen her since March (okay its been a month but feels sooo much longer!). Not only that but I have my family. I am [so] close to my family.
I go to church w.my Gran & Papa EVERY Sunday (E loves the nursery she grts to play w.her church buds and sometimes her cousin Luke), I miss my church family. I love them just as much. I grew-up in that church and I want the same for my daughter. I am about traditions. Aside from church once or twice a month my gran cooks sunday dinner and my dads entire family goes over and we all catch-up and visit. When I was little it was every sunday but as my Gran has gotten older she does it less, but I miss it & feel as If I am missing out on so much of my families lives and almost as if Im not even a part anymore. I have no idea what is going on with everyone, b/c I am not there and I (as sad as this is, I rarely talk to my dad & when I do he doesn't know whats going on). My cousin Danielle and I used to be close but in the last yr or so we have drifted, I want to work on that.
My sister, Destiny, is now 10... good gracious! and my niece, MG, is 5. The thought of anymore time passing and us (my little family) not being there as they grow-up kills me- and them not there as is E growing IS already breaking my heart. E is in what I like to call the "weeds" stage... bc she is growing so durn fast & my family is missing it.
Family is important. I know how I grew up, I want that for E.
I also have some medical issues to get worked out ASAP.
Someone asked me if I am ashamed about going home. Like I failed up here. Guess what? I DIDN'T FAIL. I have straight A's- I am doing great in gradschool. That is why I moved, for school & I will continue when I get back to FL, at UCF. Therefore I DID NOT FAIL. I am not ashamed that I am coming home. I will not be living at home [thank goodness], I more then likely be renting a house near my mom, we are close I don't want to get too far away, plus she has the pool, lake/boat/jetskiis & swingset in her back yard.
I have more then just myself to lookout for and when I am not 100% then E is not 100% either. She deserves to have the best of me. I am sick of being lonely. I am sick of being miserable. I am sick of being 5lbs heavier then I was back in dec- I worked my ass off to loose all my weight, I am up 5lbs and can't seem to drop it. I am sick of feeling this way.
This move has sprung up a lot of arguments between M and I but thats how it is going to be when you are with someone who is from a different state. When we started dating we never thought it would go anywhere, here we are almost 2 yrs later and we're about to start planning our wedding. We never talked about or thought out the two different states thing. I tried, I am not happy. He loved FL, to me it seems easy. Apparently its not.
I made my decision, it was HIS IDEA. Maybe he could tell I was unhappy, maybe he knows me that well. I thought I was hiding it well. Whatever the case may be, in one month I will be packing- again and in 41ish days I will be moving back 'home'.
The details on how this move is going to happen have not yet been set in stone but I am sure as they unfold yall will be some of the first ones to know, b/c well I love your faces.
Thank you for all your support when I made the decision to pack-up my life and move , just b/c I am moving back does not mean I am going back to the way things were before. I am going to continue on this path. Everything will be new and different. It will be another NEW CHAPTER.
It is National Infertility Awareness Week ... For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .
Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , a lot.