Friday, April 9, 2010

"Sweden"

*All names, jobs, & childrens (genders & names) have been changed to protect those involved. No one deserves to be singled out. Thank God she doesn't read & isn't on any social networking sites- for now.

When a divorce, separation, break-up of a long term relationship or a rift of sorts happens in a relationship and you're friends with both of them. You met them basically at the same time, how do you pick "whos side you are on"?

I went through this a while ago, and I guess you could say I still am.

On this blog I have talked about how against cheating I am numerous time here on the blog. In no way do I condone it & don't try to cheat around me, I won't help you (ie babysit, etc). I will blow your cover so quick, but I won't stop being your friend b/c you cheated, unless you cheated on me. I have been wronged (by cheaters) so many times. I digress.

Denise's* (Denny) husband, Jared*, is in the Air Force* and has been deployed on and off for the better part of their 5 year relationship (3 yrs married, 2 dating). He was in the AF when they met, so she knew what she was getting involved with.

D&J got married, a small intimate family ceremony before his first deployment (I didn't know them then). When Jared returned home from his 1st deploy Denny quickly got pregnant... (this is when we met, she was 5mins preg when we met). He was home and in school training for a new position at work a lot while she was pregnant, but HE WAS HOME. Their son, Max* was born- happy & healthy. All was good, friends and family came to help Denny b/c Jared was working a lot and training hard until he got word that he was ready to be moved to his new dept. that meant a sooner deployment.

When he told Denny she about lost it. Max was not even 2 mons old and they hadn't even had their family pictures taken. She asked him if he even knew his own son? She told him that she had pregnant friends sleeping on the couch taking shifts with the baby & helping her keep the house clean b/c he seemed to never be home and when he was he was little or no help. It wasn't his fault he can't say no to the Air Force, but she was a tired frustrated new mother who just wanted the help of her husband. Very understandable.

She had never talked to him like that, he had no idea how she felt. He had less then 2 mons before he left for their second deployment. We all saw Jared make a complete 180. It seemed like a completely different family. He was a different man and she was the Denny we all loved. The week before D-Day we all took turns watching Max so they could have D&J time. That seemed to be appreciated.

On that day we did a "girls night in" it was great, there were a few others who hubbys/fiacees/BFs who left. A few of us were preggers, a few bought the kids and babies. Pack-N-Plays set up all over her house. And we just vegged. She seemed to be in good spirits. She never used to hold back from us. She told us about Jared's change and how things for them were looking up and how she couldn't wait for him to come home, things would be perfect. We set up a "adopt denny & max for dinner" schedule for the first month. Either we would come to her or she would come to us. Just so for the first month she wouldn't get sad/lonely.

After the 1st month Denny had only heard from Jared once. Normal I suppose. She started to drift. FFW a few months we saw less and less of her. She would cancel plans with us (1-on-1 or group). I got worried about her so I went over one night. When I knocked on her door a man answered. I was shocked. I looked at the addy to make sure I had the right house but when I saw max on the floor behind him I knew I was at the right place.

I just stood there in silence. Then Denny walked around the corner and saw me and my huge belly (this obvi was in 07). She and I talked, she told me she had only heard from Jared though email. She was done. I told her to slow down, she knew what a deployment was like! She also knew he was in a knew job. Not to give up so easily. She Cried and asked her "friend" to go. Promised me not to say anything to anyone else, and that she was done w.him (I didn't want to know his name). I said it wasn't my place to say anything and If she was really done w.that nonsense it was safe with me.

That was that. Or so I thought. I had to move, personal issues w.my pregnancy/Marriage.

Denny and I stayed in contact. Jared and I grew closer (as close as you can via internet) when he returned, b/c he really was a better man. She never told him about her short lived indiscretions. They came to see me when I had my baby. They seemed to be doing great. He was home more, but work was still as demanding as ever. I knew that he had yet another deployment quickly approaching. Hopefully last with that unit or whatever. He wanted another baby, she said not until he was home more. Max was enough by herself. She had never wanted to be a 'single parent'. Who does?

He asked me my opinion, I agreed with Denny but tried to stay neutral. That is a family matter.

Anyways... PRESENT DAY

He just returned from his last deployment, while he was deployed we were conversing, with Denny's permission, via E-mail. He said he noticed a change in her.

I talked to her and I guess she had another "friend" again. She wants to tell jared this time. She can't live a lie. She wants to get counseling for them. Knowing he will be home more coming up and she wants to fix things. She doesn't know how he will take it. She asked me to stand behind her.

I don't know how I feel.

He hasn't been home b/c he is serving his country. He can't say NO I CAN'T GO, I've been gone too much, sorry. The military isn't Corporate America where you can say no to a business trip here and there. When they say GO, YOU GO.

She knew that when she said "I DO" - They dated for 2 yrs prior. The only thing that changed was his job (which is why D's 1&2 were so close- 10.5 mons) and rank (over the years you want your husband to pick up! Means more $$!!)

I have seen him change. I know he is a genuinely good man now, i've seen it. He loves her and their son. I don't want him to feel like so many service members that their service was in vein b/c their spouse was cheating.

But on the other hand I commend her for wanting to get help and save her marriage.

I am not one to judge anyone... My friends know that.

I guess what my question is... whose side... if anyones, am I on? I know the minute she tells him (she hasn't yet! Hes been home 2 weeks) and it sinks in he will call/txt/email me).

This isn't a normal picking sides situation. Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? Any suggestions?

Im thinking stay neutral?

...

Have a great weekend-

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , are we friends?

xo

Kandid Kelli

4 comments:

Katie said...

You are wise not to get involved, but I don't think that any excuse is good when it comes to cheating. She needs to own up and be responsible for her actions, and NO ONE should stand behind her. She and she alone created this, and only she can try and make it right again.

The Urban Cowboy said...

Don't get involved. The minute you do, you could loose both friendships.

Unfortunately, most cannot make the necessary sacrifices when it comes to deployment. I have been in the military, and work for the military. There is one constant...when units deploy the clubs are filled with married women looking for the short term boyfriend.

Queen Caylor said...

Women like her are the ones that give other military wives the hardship of everyone assuming they(other military wives) are all cheaters.

I am not trying to be mean, just stating the facts. As I have lived the military wife role and it is a very big situation we have to deal with.

S.I.F. said...

Staying neutral is the only smart thing for you to do, but it is still such a hard situation. My cousin and his ex wife are both in the air force. They weren't married 6 months when she started cheating on him with another officer while he was deployed. When he came back she immediately asked for a divorce. She REALLY knew what being married to an airman was all about (since she was in the service too) and she didn't even last 6 months. It was just awful to watch...