Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"How Did I Get Here?"

**This is a very personal topic, for that reason comments have been disabled, for this post only. Thank you.

About two years ago when I was struggling to loose my baby weight and shortly after my divorce was final, I expressed to my close friends a fear of mine (I thought I blogged about it here but looking through the archives I couldn't find It): I felt like damaged goods.

I am a divorced 24 year old with a toddler, among other things. Thats a lot of baggage for someone to want to pick-up (a DIVORCE &  a KID).

I feel like that again. I am NOT looking for sympathy. I am simply expressing how I feel.

I have had yet another failed relationship.
My engagement ended in Sept of this year, although he WALKED AWAY FROM ME IN JULY, I held out hope he would come back, how silly. I do however, find it disheartening that this relationship ended in nearly the same fashion that my marriage did; they BOTH WALKED AWAY FROM ME. It makes me wonder what I have done wrong, I must be the problem, I mean I am the common factor.  Do I drive them away?

The only difference with M & with B, my exhusband, is I actually loved M, not so much with B. When I finally called off our engagement the hardest part was taking off the ring. It actually took a few days and a lot of wine (and tears). What makes it so hard is E thinks he is Daddy, yah I made a HUGE blunder there. I failed my daughter on that one. I never thought he wouldn't be around, he wanted to adopt her, I also never thought he would turn his back and walk away from us.

At 24 I shouldn't have so much baggage, but I do. I shouldn't feel so damaged, but thanks to two men boys, I do. I should be looking to start my life, with someone, someone worthy of my daughter and I. I don't know many men in my age bracket who are okay with children, most are scared off by just the idea of possible future or of being someone's daddy. I am not looking for someone to be her daddy. I was lucky to find one 2 years ago that wasn't scared but something scared him and he ran.

As a single mom how am I supposed to meet someone? I do go out much. Dating within your circle of friends can work out 1 of 2 ways... awesome- there's accountability... or badly because signals get crossed and commincation gets funky and it ruins friendships. I prefer not to date this way. So how am I supposed to meet and date? I work at am elem. school and I totally scoop out the dads but most of them have rings on; It is also inappropriate and I am not one to make a move, a smile or flirty gesture yes, move? no. I am realistic and know he is not going to land in my lap... and I am not about the online scene...

So we are back to feeling damaged, like a used car that no one wants. Sure I look pretty, but once people find out there's a carseat in the back they move on to the sporty 2-seater.

I might sound a little melodramatic but currently its how I feel. I feel a little rejected and lost. I have a lot to offer someone but I have no idea how to find this elusive someone. I know when I least expect it he will come along but this dating with a child thing is all new to me. I have never done it before. I knew M before I got pregnant with E, so he excepted me with her no questions asked and he was the only man I dated after I had a child. Now he is not around anymore and I am starting all over again.

I am just scared of the unknown. But who isn't...


Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

-Kandid Kelli