"How Did I Get Here?"

**This is a very personal topic, for that reason comments have been disabled, for this post only. Thank you.

About two years ago when I was struggling to loose my baby weight and shortly after my divorce was final, I expressed to my close friends a fear of mine (I thought I blogged about it here but looking through the archives I couldn't find It): I felt like damaged goods.

I am a divorced 24 year old with a toddler, among other things. Thats a lot of baggage for someone to want to pick-up (a DIVORCE &  a KID).

I feel like that again. I am NOT looking for sympathy. I am simply expressing how I feel.

I have had yet another failed relationship.
My engagement ended in Sept of this year, although he WALKED AWAY FROM ME IN JULY, I held out hope he would come back, how silly. I do however, find it disheartening that this relationship ended in nearly the same fashion that my marriage did; they BOTH WALKED AWAY FROM ME. It makes me wonder what I have done wrong, I must be the problem, I mean I am the common factor.  Do I drive them away?

The only difference with M & with B, my exhusband, is I actually loved M, not so much with B. When I finally called off our engagement the hardest part was taking off the ring. It actually took a few days and a lot of wine (and tears). What makes it so hard is E thinks he is Daddy, yah I made a HUGE blunder there. I failed my daughter on that one. I never thought he wouldn't be around, he wanted to adopt her, I also never thought he would turn his back and walk away from us.

At 24 I shouldn't have so much baggage, but I do. I shouldn't feel so damaged, but thanks to two men boys, I do. I should be looking to start my life, with someone, someone worthy of my daughter and I. I don't know many men in my age bracket who are okay with children, most are scared off by just the idea of possible future or of being someone's daddy. I am not looking for someone to be her daddy. I was lucky to find one 2 years ago that wasn't scared but something scared him and he ran.

As a single mom how am I supposed to meet someone? I do go out much. Dating within your circle of friends can work out 1 of 2 ways... awesome- there's accountability... or badly because signals get crossed and commincation gets funky and it ruins friendships. I prefer not to date this way. So how am I supposed to meet and date? I work at am elem. school and I totally scoop out the dads but most of them have rings on; It is also inappropriate and I am not one to make a move, a smile or flirty gesture yes, move? no. I am realistic and know he is not going to land in my lap... and I am not about the online scene...

So we are back to feeling damaged, like a used car that no one wants. Sure I look pretty, but once people find out there's a carseat in the back they move on to the sporty 2-seater.

I might sound a little melodramatic but currently its how I feel. I feel a little rejected and lost. I have a lot to offer someone but I have no idea how to find this elusive someone. I know when I least expect it he will come along but this dating with a child thing is all new to me. I have never done it before. I knew M before I got pregnant with E, so he excepted me with her no questions asked and he was the only man I dated after I had a child. Now he is not around anymore and I am starting all over again.

I am just scared of the unknown. But who isn't...

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Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

xo

-Kandid Kelli

"Single-Mom Dating"

I've been a singlemom since I was 13 weeks pregnant, thats when my HUSBAND walked out on me & our growing child.

We were legally divorced shortly after E, our daughter, was born. We'd been separated for close to or well over a year. Not necessary in FL, but because of C.S. issues we had to wait.  I was in NO RUSH to date again, I was 22 years old with a whole lotta baggage, that I hadn't even dealt with.

I did have a great friend of many years, whom I talked to, but never saw, from the time B walked out on me. I was married (on paper) and pregnant. He saw that as weird and preferred not to see me/ hang out. I respected that and we just chatted, via phone/txt/IM.

Not too long after I filed the divorce paper work, M decided to come take a look at my SUV, as I was having some minor issues. We set plans to hang-out, for-real, soon after. It took 2 months, thanks to my county being congested and the courts being down a justice and backlogged, to get a date for the divorce hearing.

So M and I remained friends, who wanted more, as best as we could, around my infant daughters schedule. I didn't want her seeing random men, but being an infant she slept, alot. This helped move things along. Needless to say a few weeks after my divorce was final, we were an item.

I began to slowly let him come around more while E was awake. One rule: No PDA in front of her. Before I knew it, we were together EVERY WEEKEND and most weekdays. If we went out, E came with us, as my parents, the only people I trust with my daughter, had a busy social life and a strict "No weekends" policy.

He never courted me, it just happened naturally. Around Dec, 2008, M was teaching her that he was "daddy", at first I freaked out, no way jose! But I realized HE did it; I didn't ask. I would never ask that. But he wanted to take that on. It happened, naturally.

FF 2+ years and we're not together, sadly, anymore. Dating crosses my mind, but its been almost 4 years since i've "played the field".

My infant is now a busy-body, TODDLER & Nana & Papa are more willing to babysit. I finally live on my own and as much as I want to be taken out, child-free. I am more than cool with a night in, after E is in bed; 8:00PM.

I am confident in my role as a single mom. E has very strong males in her life, my stepdad, playing the biggest role. Im not worried about her not having a dad. She will be fine, she is surrounded by love.

When my relationship with M ended, I said "never again", meaning E will not meet "the guy", until I feel things are serious enough and after "The Guy" and I have talked about it. "He" has to be OK with the fact that I have a child, but I'm not expecting him to play some role he is not comfortable with.

I am not looking to date, again, to find E a daddy. I'm looking to date, again, for myself.

I want to be courted, I want "him" to know me as a person first, then me as a mom. I want it to be about "him" & I, before we take the steps for "him" to even MEET my child.

I do know singlemoms who date to find daddy. I've been a SM for 2+years, I don't have to co-parent, as her GD is not in the picture. I would never date to find E a dad. I don't have a problem parenting alone, but after she goes to bed I would love company and occasionally I would like to go out with "someone".

I've learned that if you don't expect much, you're not disappointed when nothing happens/ forms.

If "he" isn't okay with seeing each other around my daughter schedule and a weird dating schedule -or- not OK with me having a child, than "hes" not for me.

I made a mistake and got married, to the wrong person, but out of that mistake came something beautiful- My daughter. I wouldn't trade her for anything so I obviously wont introduce her to just "anyone".

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Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

xo

-Kandid Kelli

Dates for FREE...

This was too cute not to share... I got This from Erin's Blog

Enjoy there are some worth while, cute ideas...

Have a good day...

Bye Internets.