Monday, October 18, 2010

"Single-Mom Dating"

I've been a singlemom since I was 13 weeks pregnant, thats when my HUSBAND walked out on me & our growing child.

We were legally divorced shortly after E, our daughter, was born. We'd been separated for close to or well over a year. Not necessary in FL, but because of C.S. issues we had to wait.  I was in NO RUSH to date again, I was 22 years old with a whole lotta baggage, that I hadn't even dealt with.

I did have a great friend of many years, whom I talked to, but never saw, from the time B walked out on me. I was married (on paper) and pregnant. He saw that as weird and preferred not to see me/ hang out. I respected that and we just chatted, via phone/txt/IM.

Not too long after I filed the divorce paper work, M decided to come take a look at my SUV, as I was having some minor issues. We set plans to hang-out, for-real, soon after. It took 2 months, thanks to my county being congested and the courts being down a justice and backlogged, to get a date for the divorce hearing.

So M and I remained friends, who wanted more, as best as we could, around my infant daughters schedule. I didn't want her seeing random men, but being an infant she slept, alot. This helped move things along. Needless to say a few weeks after my divorce was final, we were an item.

I began to slowly let him come around more while E was awake. One rule: No PDA in front of her. Before I knew it, we were together EVERY WEEKEND and most weekdays. If we went out, E came with us, as my parents, the only people I trust with my daughter, had a busy social life and a strict "No weekends" policy.

He never courted me, it just happened naturally. Around Dec, 2008, M was teaching her that he was "daddy", at first I freaked out, no way jose! But I realized HE did it; I didn't ask. I would never ask that. But he wanted to take that on. It happened, naturally.

FF 2+ years and we're not together, sadly, anymore. Dating crosses my mind, but its been almost 4 years since i've "played the field".

My infant is now a busy-body, TODDLER & Nana & Papa are more willing to babysit. I finally live on my own and as much as I want to be taken out, child-free. I am more than cool with a night in, after E is in bed; 8:00PM.

I am confident in my role as a single mom. E has very strong males in her life, my stepdad, playing the biggest role. Im not worried about her not having a dad. She will be fine, she is surrounded by love.

When my relationship with M ended, I said "never again", meaning E will not meet "the guy", until I feel things are serious enough and after "The Guy" and I have talked about it. "He" has to be OK with the fact that I have a child, but I'm not expecting him to play some role he is not comfortable with.

I am not looking to date, again, to find E a daddy. I'm looking to date, again, for myself.

I want to be courted, I want "him" to know me as a person first, then me as a mom. I want it to be about "him" & I, before we take the steps for "him" to even MEET my child.

I do know singlemoms who date to find daddy. I've been a SM for 2+years, I don't have to co-parent, as her GD is not in the picture. I would never date to find E a dad. I don't have a problem parenting alone, but after she goes to bed I would love company and occasionally I would like to go out with "someone".

I've learned that if you don't expect much, you're not disappointed when nothing happens/ forms.

If "he" isn't okay with seeing each other around my daughter schedule and a weird dating schedule -or- not OK with me having a child, than "hes" not for me.

I made a mistake and got married, to the wrong person, but out of that mistake came something beautiful- My daughter. I wouldn't trade her for anything so I obviously wont introduce her to just "anyone".


Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

-Kandid Kelli


Candice said...

I'm surprised your ex would teach E that he's daddy, especially without your permission.

I totally get your need for companionship. I think that's a basic human need.

Laura Sue said...

ok i think i've miss a lot!

i dont know if i've ever told you, but i pray for you! I strongly admire the strong indenpendent woman you are!