WORTHLESS

Is what [most] men are.

DONT tell me you left her...then when I call you on your LIE say things are "so-so" and its because my divorce isnt final. SCREW YOU!! You have lied since Ive known you...not just to me but everyone. You lied to Alicia about me. Lied to me about Kelly and Kelly about me. Lied to Lynz about me and me about Lynz and now to me about Jessie and Im sure to her about me. -wow- what a web you have woven. I loved you...you were my first...everything!! You were my first love and the first to shatter my heart. Yes there have been other heartbreaks but for some reason yours stings the most. 

How pathetic am I? 

I should know by now you can't make someone love you. Why do i still try? I tried w.you, I tried w.Bobby (he didnt cheat, that I know of) and all the other assholes I've dated that cheated on me.

IDK why I thought there was hope w.you? You had a chance and let it go to shit. I tried the hardest for Nathan. .:Sigh:. oh well. I let that go to shit. That was all me.

.:I do miss military life...I miss being a military wife...fiancee...or GF:. <

Im sick of getting my heartbroken.

I want to find "him" and be done. I want it to be great. I want to be in LOVE again. I miss that wonderful feeling. I miss  the butterflies. I miss  the kisses. I miss tying to look cute for him even if im just in sweats.  I miss cuddling. I miss cooking for him. ETC...I miss all of it... even the silly bickering/fights...I miss making-up ;)

Oh well it will happen again... eventually. I know God has a plan for me. I am fully believing in and leaning on him. I just keep praying. Hoping. Wishing.

Im just having a hard time trusting. Its not just me now... Its Ems too!

Well thats how i feel at this moment.

xo
-Kelli 

"You have No Idea..."

What its like.

I go to bed after you and I am up before you... sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night- Im up then too.

Just because I don't have an office job, doesn't mean Im not working. Taking care of her is a 24hr a day job. (one I LOVE...but none-the-less... its a lot of work)

I am exhausted.  I do it alone.

Job...not just a job but a career that utilizes my degree and supports us, hunt begins Monday. I know I will find something. 

This TROPICAL STORM is a BITCH. Leave already. Hurricanes aren't this bad. Geez.

I want to cuddle...order pizza/bstix and watch a movie.  Thats the BEST kind of friday night. Maybe a late night strawberry limeade from Sonic too. 

I want her to stop fighting and just go to sleep. Before 930...not after 11.

Im done.

Wine & a movie Friday night, anyone?!?

Hah yah right. Honestly. I know you won't come, you never do, always with the excuses.

xo
-Kelli

Till next time-

"The Sad Realization"

Emmy is the ONLY good thing I gained from my SHITTY marriage.

Things I gained:

Weight (aside from my baby weight)

Stretch Marks (from being prego)

CC debit... It's almost paid off but still

I am so angry.

You should be able to leave a relationship and say "even though it ended, I gained....." I can't say that.

We fought ALOT.

He left me ALONE and PREGNANT @ 13wks, causing me to leave the place I love so much, Jacksonville, to live at home.  In turn leaving ALL my wonderful friends, whom I MISS DEARLY.  I have missed BOTH of my besties Bdays-- b/c He couldn't be a man and find a job in Jax. Yet it was a piece of cake in MO?! WTF?! and then he wants to make things better... comes back 3 wks after the birth of our beautiful daughter, and how funny is it that I found him a job in less then 2 days! I FOUND IT FOR HIM. I FILLED OUT THE APP AND SENT HIS RESUME (WHICH I MADE FOR HIM).

He spent LITTLE to NO time w.me and E.

He stopped showing me affection, what a way to kill your WIFE'S self-esteem.

He says he doesn't have the luxury  to spend all the time in the world over here w.her.  Fine at least make an effort.  She doesn't know you.  You sure as hell DON'T know her, she is AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL & VERY SMART!!

I know it's almost over but...It still makes me sad. mad. angry. disappointed. discouraged. etc.

I am soo scared that I will NEVER find anyone who will be able to accept that I have a child.  Not only do they need to accept her but my FRIENDS and FAMILY too. No exceptions.

Oh well I know "he" is out there somewhere...I hope he finds me b/c I've been looking and can't seem to find him.

NO MILITARY...EVER AGAIN. I miss the lifestyle but EVERY Military man BOY I have been with have all turned out badly. sigh. 

xo
-Kelli

"Long over due..."

...So its been a while...a long while since I have updated. Since my last blog

I GRADUATED! From UNF w.my bachelors in Public Relations.

I had surgery... yesterday actually and now I feel shitty.  I've had a ton of surgeries this one didn't hurt as bad, I'm just hella sore and nauseous...ick. 

Moving on...

I am also getting divorced.  I have gotten quite a bit of negative remarks on this.  Let me ask you something is this YOUR life? NO ITS NOT. It's my daughters and mine.  Do you have children? The ones flapping their gums don’t.  Who the hell are you to tell me I didn't try hard enough! -or- That divorce isn't the right decision.  

This isn't a decision I made lightly.  This is what will be best in the long run.  I want and deserve to be happy, as does everyone.  I was no longer happy with him. In order for my daughter to grow-up happy she needs to be raised in a happy household.  There’s a lot you don’t know about the situation.  Do you seriously think I’m gunna change my mind b/c YOU think its wrong. You think its better for the baby if her mommy and daddy are together. WRONG! If the relationship is unhealthy the child senses that and that is unhealthy for a developing mind/ personality.  You have no room to talk seeing as you don’t have children. Hell you aren’t even married.  So you honestly have NO ROOM to spit your “opinion” take it somewhere else.  

Hell I didn’t even ask you for it, you just up and offered it.  This is a very stressful situation on both my family and myself.  The LAST thing I need is flak from people who have NO IDEA.  I have confided in people I am close with or people who have been there or close to being there, People with children.  

Being a single mom is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. But in retrospect I have been a single mom since I was pregnant b/c Bob wasn’t in the picture.  So you could say I’ve got this single mom thing down pact.  I have help from my mom but I will be moving out soon (couple of months) and will no longer have her help.  As some of you know, she helps but not as much as most thinks.  I really do it myself.

That leads me to people getting pregnant who honestly shouldn’t.  IT’S HARD!! Period. The end. 

I have friends who are married and have been for years and years and are dealing with infertility.  They deserve a child or even another one to expand their family. It just isn’t fair that girls who sleep around get knocked-up or they have a new b/f week-after-week.  I’m not saying that you have to be married but its highly recommended.  PEOPLE PEOPLE…Condoms. Birth Control…there are sooo many forms of it now.  

Complaining that they are too expensive is bull b/c do you realize how EXPENSIVE children are?  People can tell you but you really never know until you’re there, in those shoes.

That leads me to my BIGGEST fear.  Not finding someone b/c I have a child.  That men will see E as “baggage” and not want to deal w/someone who has an ex-husband.  Being divorced is completely different than just breaking up with someone/ having an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.  

I don’t have the same cute small body as I did before I met Bobby.  I mean I am working on getting back there I have about 25 more lbs to go but still.  I have stretch marks now, I don’t care who you are, those are NOT in any way attractive. LoL.  Anddd  I haven’t been tanning in forever so I’m the palest I have ever been.  I know this all sounds so trivial and it kind of is but its just one of the things I think/worry about.

Another thing I am worried about is finding a job. A GOOD job, Preferably one that utilizes my degree.  My 4 years of expensive education.  I will be applying to radio stations, tv stations, Disney, Universal, Sea World, Hospitals…Big corporations that aren’t struggling in the face of the economy. But I’m putting it in Gods hands and he will lead me in the right direction.  

My mom thinks I should get my Masters. She must be insane. I’m sooo glad I’m DONE with school.

Anyways I could go on and on…but I won’t Im hurting and want to lay down.

**NONE OF THIS WAS DIRECTED AT ANY ONE PERSON…JUST ADDRESSING THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF**

Hopefully I will write again tomorrow when im less pissed off…

xo

-Kelli