Kandid Kelli: April 2009

I know you wont read this. Maybe thats why I am writing it, Im a bit cowardly that way, im not going to lie. I have been thinking a lot lately, about "us" or LACK there of. Where have you been? I know you've had a lot going on, with the death of your grandma & missing her funeral, missing the birth of your nephew & school with double phasing and getting Audi and then loosing it. I know you told me that you didn't have time for my feelings, but thats not good enough for me & I told you that. Even in a crisis I want someone who has time for my feelings too. No matter what, even after my grandfathers stroke I still had time for you & your feelings. I silently go through things and I just don't tell you b/c I am afraid that you will trivialize them or not have time for them. I ask myself time & time again..."HOW DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH & HOW DID YOU LET SOMEONE INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE WHO YOU KNEW WAS GOING TO WALK OUT LESS THEN A YEAR LATER!?" wtf was I thinking? Oh yah I was thinking "hes gunna work in FL, hes gunna come back for you, b/c he loves US and this relationship that much" yah right! then I left dreamland and came back to reality. Never again will I let someone meet or get close to the one thing I hold closest to my heart until I feel that he is A) STICKING AROUND B) GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (which of course making him GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER) C) SOMEONE I could see myself LOVING-- so needless to say the next man in my life will NOT be meeting Emmy until he proves himself worthy. I will NOT put her through that. (dont fret it WONT be for a long while!!! I am in love w/him guys! you dont just get over that quickly)

I have to watch yet another man...one who she actually knows and loves...who she thinks is "daddy"... walk out of her life, forever & theres NOT a damn thing I can do about it. I am heartbroken. I am in love. I can not do another LD relationship. I have done my fair share. No more. I am a different person now, I have a child to think about and Its not a quick drive up for the weekend. Right now we live 40 mins away from each other & you don't make the effort to see me, what makes me think you'll make the effort to see me when you live 1,000mi away from me? and the next couple of Sats Caleb seems to be more important, once WE become a TOP priority, then we'll talk. Oh but wait theres no time. You leave in about a month. You wasted your time & you're about to LOOSE the 2 best things that have ever happened to you, ever! I hope you enjoyed US. Because some Man is going to swoop me off my feet and put Emmy on his shoulders and that man is going to be the luckiest man around.

I am one hell of a catch.

&& It only took me 3 yrs to realize that.

Im done chasing guys. Its their turn! Im tired!

Goodnight Freaders!

XXOO -KS

So I started a different blog yesterday & then hit a writers block so I decided, after looking over my reader, to go in a different direction with this entry (as if its not already taking me long enough!). I realized that I have a few new followers! (yay!!!) Im not exactly sure how yall found me, but you did!! So I am going to take this rare opportunity to introduce myself to my new freaders.

I am a 22 year old divorcee. I am also a single mom, both things a am PROUD of. I have overcome alot of obstacales in the past 2 years & I have come out on top. I am also about to start a new chapter in my life (by the grace of god I will be a preschool teacher this summer & then hopefully in the fall I will be teaching anywhere between k-3rd), I am proof that no matter the obsacles you can do anything! (sure with the help of wine & zanax).

This is how it began-- I meet bobby (the ex) while he was stationed aboard the [now decommissioned] USS John F. Kennedy (JFK) out of Naval Station Mayport in Jacksonville, FL. I was just starting my 2nd semester of my JR year in college [early 07], majoring in PR (public relations) @ UNF, also in Jax. I was AWAYS on the go w.my sidekick and BFF EW. Wether it be running to the mall or tanning beds or sipping drinks by the pool or at the beach or going up to the bar with her forum friends (those were the good ole days!!). I loved my life but I had this insistant need to be with someone. EVERYTHING and I mean everything changed when I met bobby one night when I was out on a date with one of his friends. We were in a group setting and Bobby & I seemed to hit it off better then the guy I was with. So I started to see him over his buddy. Which was cool b/c his buddy just wanted a piece. He got possessive & clingy, in a not-so-good way, YES ladies, and maybe one or two guys? idk, there is good clingy and BAD, very BAD clingy!! He was the latter. So as bitchy as it sounds before he left to go underway for the JFKs final 3 wk voyage I said no more, and washed my hands of that relationship, or so I thought.

After he returned he begged and pleaded saying things would get better I gave in. That was the 1st of MANY MISTAKES I was yet to make. After that, I didnt know it then but I had LOST my last & final chance to rekindle an old flame (MISTAKE 2) because hes still has a pretty big role in mine & my daughters life, just not quite the role I would have planed on him having. Things between Bob and I moved unbelievably quick soon after all this happened I found out i was pregnant... WTF?! yah this was March! I met him in Jan! HOLYSHITBALLS!!! I wanted kids and everything but damn... I went off the pill b/c of the massive migraines they were giving me, before I had a chance to find a new method...B-A-M!! BFP [big fat positive] then I miscarried in April @ almost 8 wks along...sad, yes, I was devastated, It wasnt my first loss (but thats another blog entirely). But that should have been my OUT! My huge sign! Brace yourself for MISTAKE 3... Instead of walking away basically scott free, just some emotional damage, instead of leaning on my wonderful friends and family for support; what do I do? I MARRY THE GUY! I don't tell anyone about it either! WTF?! Courthouse what?! Yah... like I said instead of saying "I DO" I should have said MISTAKE 3. If you think this is bad... or funny b/c I think this is effing hilarious! It gets soo much better!! Ohh yes you must be thinking "how can it get better, KS?" Im gunna tell ya: So we got married early May while im still distraught over 'our' loss, I knew that he would be moving from Active duty in the Navy to the reserves in mid-Sept. Being raised in a military family & having dated my share of mostly Marines I knew exactly what this meant. No biggie, he will find a job & all will be fine. I actually liked this idea. You know him being home, no deployments/underways, no duty days etc.. W-R-O-N-G! He got out earlier b/c he traded in his leave..bad decision. He couldn't find a job, or so he said. IDK I was at school & then working FULL time, so I have no idead what he was doing all day...I forgot to mention that I was in fact PREGNANT! yes, again! Going to school & working full time @ a daycare was killing me. while all this was happening I had already told him i wanted an annulment, the day I found out I was preg. to be exact (before I took the test). This is NO joke folks, this is real life, my life-eek!

I was no longer depressed and realized what a MISTAKE I had made. From May- Septish was by far some the worst times of my life. He tore me apart and broke me down mentally. Drove my family/friends away. I had no one left. I was in a hole. I hated life. Then one day I woke up & he was gone. He told me that he could & would find a job in MO (where he was from) and would save money for us. HA YAH RIGHT! MISTAKE 4: Believing him. I was so upset that I was left alone while pregnant... I was a mess... I kept getting sick & what not. Ended up being put on bedrest. Had to leave the ONE place I loved...JACKSONVILLE! I had to after nearly 4 yrs on my own move back home... to live w.my parents. I was 25+wks pregnant on bedrest and needed the help.

So while being at home doing the pregnancy thing basically alone, hormones running ramped... I made yet another MISTAKE (thats 5)... I believed that bobby was actually saving money and was actually going to change and that we were going to be a family! WTF? He walked out on me! What was I thinking?...Oh yah! I wasn't, I had pregnancy brain. So after getting legal council I was told to wait till after the baby was born before filing for the "BIG D" b/c that would save me money b/c we would have to return to court after the arrival to figure out child support & what not. So I finish the pregnancy (like its medication or something) & he decides that he's going to show up at the hospital the day my daughter is born! He flies down from MO!! hes irritating. I was soo done with him... Over a year & a baby (and 60lbs) too late!

After 6mons of him shacking up at my dads, and throughly pissing me off & rarely seeing his daughter... I finally got all the stuff filed for the "BIG D". Oh have I mentioned that the job he got & still has now I got for him? No I didnt... Oh well yah I found it for him, applied for it & made all the arrangements. I think im too nice. MISTAKE 6. Man im just racking em up.

Well That bring us to the most recent (i know its long & Im just giving yall the bare bones here) I have been raising my baby alone & doing a damn good job, I graduated college after being put on bedrest during one semester while taking 7 classes & giving birth during finals week the next. Then in my final semester I drove to Jax twice a week up/back in the same day (2 hr drive one way) just so I could finish. I have my bachelors in Communications with a concentration in Public Relations & have have decided that I want to teach elementary school. In FL you don't need an education degree too teach, just a bachelors... hey! I have one of those! So I am taking the cert. exam in july and from there if (and i WILL) pass I just have to find a school to hire me. eek!

My Daughter, Emmerie, Turned one on the fourth, and I just can't believe its been a year. Time has flown by, shes so big and has learned soo much. I just look at her in awe b.c out of all the MISTAKES I made I got one very beautiful blessing, she has changed my life. I complain sometimes about not getting to be 22 but I love her & I am learning to love my life. Because this is MY life for a reason. I am proud of myself & my accomplishments so far, I am 22. I am young. My life is nowhere near over. I have many more accomplishments... yall just wait!

I realize that there are people in my life who dont agree with all the decisions that I have made in my life thus far, thats fine, b/c Im sure that I dont agree with all the decisions that you've made either. But something Ive learned over the past year is that you can't go back in time to change things & you need to find a way to be happy with where you are in you're life b/c theres a reason that youre there.

So frankly I don't care if you agree with my decisions, or every move I make. I am on the road to being happy, with ME & with my life. The only thing I am worried about is being the BEST MOM I can be & the only way I can do that is if I focus on being the BEST ME that I can be. Its hard for alot of my friends to understand where I am b/c most 22 year olds aren't moms, and if they are a MOM they surely arent a SINGLE mom. Well I am... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I AM GLAD I GOT DIVORCED. I AM GLAD "HE" IS OUT OF OUR LIVES. One day I will find a MAN that is the perfect fit for us & until then I will continue doing my thing. That might or might not include a mechanic boyfriend. That may or may not include more week/end trips to the First Coast. **I am going to do what makes ME (and inevitably Emmy) HAPPY & I don't care what anyone thinks anymore** Im good at making mistakes but Im just as good at leaning from them.

So I hope you stuck around for the whole thing... It was LONG! I know SORRY! This was hard for me to write. I had to relive bad memories. But I hope you have a better idea of who I AM. I am glad you found me...I love my Freaders! I have a great post planed for tomorrow! :)

Good night freaders!!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I blame My "Reader"...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I am

Monday, April 13, 2009

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Who is Kelli-Sue?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

1 year ago...

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