Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

I know you wont read this. Maybe thats why I am writing it, Im a bit cowardly that way, im not going to lie. I have been thinking a lot lately, about "us" or LACK there of. Where have you been? I know you've had a lot going on, with the death of your grandma & missing her funeral, missing the birth of your nephew & school with double phasing and getting Audi and then loosing it. I know you told me that you didn't have time for my feelings, but thats not good enough for me & I told you that. Even in a crisis I want someone who has time for my feelings too. No matter what, even after my grandfathers stroke I still had time for you & your feelings. I silently go through things and I just don't tell you b/c I am afraid that you will trivialize them or not have time for them. I ask myself time & time again..."HOW DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH & HOW DID YOU LET SOMEONE INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE WHO YOU KNEW WAS GOING TO WALK OUT LESS THEN A YEAR LATER!?" wtf was I thinking? Oh yah I was thinking "hes gunna work in FL, hes gunna come back for you, b/c he loves US and this relationship that much" yah right! then I left dreamland and came back to reality. Never again will I let someone meet or get close to the one thing I hold closest to my heart until I feel that he is A) STICKING AROUND B) GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (which of course making him GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER) C) SOMEONE I could see myself LOVING-- so needless to say the next man in my life will NOT be meeting Emmy until he proves himself worthy. I will NOT put her through that. (dont fret it WONT be for a long while!!! I am in love w/him guys! you dont just get over that quickly)

I have to watch yet another man...one who she actually knows and loves...who she thinks is "daddy"... walk out of her life, forever & theres NOT a damn thing I can do about it. I am heartbroken. I am in love. I can not do another LD relationship. I have done my fair share. No more. I am a different person now, I have a child to think about and Its not a quick drive up for the weekend. Right now we live 40 mins away from each other & you don't make the effort to see me, what makes me think you'll make the effort to see me when you live 1,000mi away from me? and the next couple of Sats Caleb seems to be more important, once WE become a TOP priority, then we'll talk. Oh but wait theres no time. You leave in about a month. You wasted your time & you're about to LOOSE the 2 best things that have ever happened to you, ever! I hope you enjoyed US. Because some Man is going to swoop me off my feet and put Emmy on his shoulders and that man is going to be the luckiest man around.

I am one hell of a catch.

&& It only took me 3 yrs to realize that.

Im done chasing guys. Its their turn! Im tired!

Goodnight Freaders!

XXOO -KS