"Meet the Parents"

TM and I have been together (officially) since March. But unofficially we have been together since the end of January. Remember this post?

We met at one of the schools I shadow at; He teaches there. We had a few choppy conversations but nothing out of the ordinary.

I saw/ talked to him a few times but I didn't think much about him except, hes a nice guy.

One day the teacher I was working with asked me to go get her kids from lunch. I had been in her class for 2 days at this point but I was well known on her team, I had taught in some of the other teachers classes or ran reading groups. In all I did over 60 hours on this particular team- so she felt comfortable with me getting her kids for her.

While I was lining the kids up, I looked across the cafeteria and TM waved at me and smiled.

IDK what it was about the smile/wave but my cheeks got hot and I smiled and nodded, its all I could muster up. A few hours and one email later I found out his whole name and I FACEBOOK-ED him!

I felt like a creeper, It appeared, via pictures, that he had a girlfriend but it did say "Single" so I had to assume he was single. I sent him a message, boldly, seeing if we could get together and hang out.

It took him TWO days to reply. I was fretting, but for no reason. He was more than willing to get together.

I told him I had a child, because she is NOT a fact I will hide. I gave him the option to come over around 830, after she went to bed or coming for dinner around 6. Being the teacher that he is, said he was okay with coming by, if I was, while she was still up.

We had dinner and talked for hours.

He was patient while I put E to bed.

Then we talked some more.

I Told him about M and how badly he hurt me and how I hadn't dated since and thought I was ready.

We went to dinner, child-less and I realized how NOT ready I was (back in Feb) to be back in a relationship, 5 months later.

I told him, that honestly, I was NOT ready.

He told me he was willing to wait. and wait he did. 

FF nearly 2 months later and I still hadn't met his parents, granted they live 2 hours away. I told him that since this is getting serious and the topic of moving-in had been broached, I wanted to meet his parents.

He had met and hung out with mine, a lot. He had even gone to my moms house without me, and hung-out there until I got off work.

He made and still makes me so undoubtedly happy.

He told me Saturday that his parents were coming, for the day, Sunday.

Cue panic attack.

We spent ALL day Sunday cleaning in preparation for their arrival.

I was freaking out, even after they arrived.

E was a great ice-breaker, she immediately clicked with TMs dad. He is an elementary school principal so he is great with kids.

My mom and stepdad came over and we all went to lunch. It was great, everyone got along great. But I was still nervous.

We didn't get to talk as much as I'd have liked but TM told me that his mom and dad loved me (and E) and want us to come to his hometown, I am thinking day-trip is in  the works.

I feel so relieved that they like me, my daughter and my parents.

I am so in-love and TM is the FIRST man, that I have been serious with, that has been widely liked by my ENTIRE family.

He has everything I could ever want. I am so lucky.

...

Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

xo

-Kandid Kelli

"The Teacher"

{via}

So many of my readers are friends with me via FB and saw that a few days ago my "Relationship Status" changed. This is the first time since my engagement to M ended, that said status has changed.

I met one of the kindest and genuine men, back in Jan. when I wasn't even looking, us meeting was by chance. He is an elementary school teacher and has a lot of the same interests I do. He is a true southern boy man; Big truck (!) and all.  He possesses all (and more) of the traits I spoke of here in my "list".

Since Jan. we have been strictly friends, we spent a lot of time hanging out and getting to know each other. I had feelings for someone else when I met "The Teacher" (TT for short), and he knew that, but this person did not share the same feelings I had, relaying this message to me in black & white via email. Ouch. Oh well it was no big deal, I mean yah I was upset stunned, but I knew previously, that he had a lot of personal issues that needed to be dealt with.

TT and I continued to hang out, as friends, he would tell me how much he liked me and that he wanted to be more than friends, a couple, exclusive.

He went to church with me, dinner at my moms, to the park with E and I, came over and watched TV with me, tried, against my will to help me around the house, we did a lot of things that most would consider dating but since there were no strings attached, I felt that if I decided that I wasn't ready, no one got hurt and we could still be friends.

I had a hang-up but couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me.

One night a few weeks ago when I was in the shower (where I do my best thinking), it hit me. I was worried that he would wake-up one day and not want to be with someone who had a kid. Who had been there and done that. I wanted to  make sure his parents were "ok" with my past and my child. I am all for family and didn't want to cause problems.

I didn't want to get my heart or E's broken, again. I am a grown woman and I can deal with, as crappy as it is, heartbreak. E on the other hand is just a child and SHOULD NOT have to deal with heartbreak.

He was out-of-town, with some of his friends, when I came to my conclusion, so I called him and I told him what was up. I told him not to say anything but to think about it while he was gone and we would talk when he got home.

He got back a few days later and we discussed my feelings. I felt like even though we weren't dating, that we were in the "honeymoon" stage; That all was rainbows and unicorns. I didn't want, that when that stage passed, for him to no longer be interested in a mom, like previously mentioned.

He assured that "honeymoon" stage or not that he cared for me and he absolutely loved E (I mean she's amazing, how could anyone NOT love her?!)

After hearing his thoughts and feelings, I still wanted to think about it before I made my decision. I liked him and he is sweet and kind and genuine. He's a good man, who when he looks at me and I can see how much he cares.

But I wanted to be sure.

A few days later, after talking to my mom and gran, I decided that I needed to trust again and why not trust him and take a leap of faith. I mean we had been strictly friends for roughly 2 months and I knew what a great guy he was and the thought of him not being in my life was not an option.

So I waited for about a week before making it FB official b/c you know it's not true unless its on FB. Haha.

This is the first time since M, that I have been going to bed happy and waking up happy. I had moments here and there, after M, but those were fleeting moments. This one seems to be a continuous feeling and I like it. A lot.

I have a feeling you will be hearing about TT more in blogs to come.

On an UNRELATED note:

5 days until my girl turns 3!
3 days until her birthday party!


I am so excited to have all the people that E and I love, that love her, in one place to celebrate her life. It is going to be a beautiful day.

...

Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , A lot.

xo

-Kandid Kelli

"Not Me Monday"

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. You can also check out Hailey @ Be Serious & see what she has not been up too.

-I did not hear E, AWAKE through the monitor & look at the clock and see that it was only 650a & tell my toddler "10 more mins mama's tired", through ESP of course. It totally DID NOT WORK. Blues Clues isn't even on then... Ugh.

-I did not [dig out of the back of the closet &] wear a maternity shirt b.c its one of my all time favorites & b/c I was feeling lazy [& tired] on Friday and love it b.c of how soft [and worn in] it is.

-I did not go to bed before 9:00pm friday night. I am not that lame. I just got under my snuggie & Ms fleece blanket to warm-up for a few minutes the next thing I knew it was 10:45 & E was fussing. I went & calmed her down got some icecream ate it asked M to come cuddle w.me...he said okay he had to make sure the fire was out (close the fireplace doors) & in 10mins "SwampLoggers" was over, I said okay... The next thing I knew it was 6:00a and his alarm for work was going off. Oh well, I needed it & IT FELT GREAT!!!

-I did not open every single drawer in our bedroom, bathroom & kitchen when my sweetie was 5mins from being home to make a point that HE NEVER SHUTS a drawer or cabinet when hes done. I wouldn't be that immature. Did I make my point? No. He thought "I was cleaning" Ugh. men boys.

-I did not forget that it was 19* outside, b/c it was BEAUTIFUL & SUNNY, when I went to check the mail, BAREFOOT & with out a jacket in just a shortsleeved shirt.

-I did not go to the grocery store not once NOT twice but THREE times w/a list EVERYTIME, as to not forget anything & still forget something, each & every time. I still need a pack of pull-ups!!! But we're good in the cracker & granola bar dept. :)

-I did not lie to lil miss sassy pants & tell her that her raisins were candy so she would eat them. They are "natures candy".

-I did not ask a non-pregnant woman when she is due as I was leaving the convenience store of a gas station. She replied with "my ass of a 6yr ex-husband didn't want kids, Im not pregnant, but thanks for reminding me that I'm THAT fat." As I tried to apologize, she cut me off and said "You're probably one of those damn girls who can eat whatever you want & don't have to diet..." (I had stop to get M some chips for his lunch for the next day) She got in her car & left. If she only knew...

...

I hope everyone had a fab weekend & has a wonderful week ahead.

**I have a great week planned!!**

Can't wait to see you back here tomorrow @ Kandid Kelli...!!!

Keep up in between posts, I Tweet , do you?

"Not Me Monday"

Well today IS THE BIG DAY! Welcome to KANDID KELLI- Southern Belle to Yankee Doodle! I felt that name was fitting b/c I am always so kandid about my life's happenings here with all my freaders & I have gone from the South to the North. Self explanatory? Yes.

If you are reading this in GReader or the like click HERE to check out the blogs facelift!! Then go HERE & tell Erin how AMAZING she is & rave about how much you love it. I just want to say a BIG thank you to her for all her hard work. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new look. It's crisp & clean. Simple & perfect.

Now onto...

...



Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. You can also check out Hailey @ Be Serious & see what she has not been up too.

-I did not dump my purse out on the floor of my car looking for my ringing iphone that was in my coat pocket. It was not a wrong number.

-I did not tell my toddler (21mons) that we were staying in the bathroom, her on the potty till she went & sat in front of the door b/c I got annoyed that 2 mins after I re-diapered her she would go peepee and then tell me & ask to be changed. Not that it worked.

-I did not go out Saturday night with M & his buddies, for the first time in OVER A YEAR, for M's 27th birthday to the bar they "always" (M hasn't been been in ages) hang out at & I did not drink too much or have a blast meeting his friends for the first time.

-I did not play the Wii for over 90mins Sunday evening while the grandparents had E for the day. I was not childless for the day & instead of napping or READING. I did not waste 90 mins playing Family Game Night 2 followed by some serious house cleaning.

-I did not the New Shinedown CD, that has the song that M has been pining for all weekend, on my iPod & he was not shocked when he realized there is more then just country on that bad boy.

-I did not trip on NOTHING in the middle of the grocery store & go to catch myself on the dayquil/nightquil display. So much for discreetness.

-I did not buy my WONDERFUL b/f a PS3 for his birthday with COD Modern Warfare 2 in-tow- yah what a colossal mistake that was. He's not fully addicted, Yet. I know it's coming.

...

**What do you think of the new name/ look?**
...

I hope everyone has a wonderful week & I hope to see you all back here tomorrow @ Kandid Kelli

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"Letter to Me"

A while ago [probably about a yr] I saw a few people do something similar to this & as I was laying in bed this yesterday AM; I woke up @ 750 - 10 minutes before E & was just thinking when I heard "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley. I then thought how much easier college and the year following would have been if I would have had a letter to myself telling me what to expect. I start grad school in EXACTLY ONE WEEK & I find myself wishing I knew what to expect. Hindsight is 20/20- So here is a letter guiding me through my FIRST 4 years of college and the year leading me to present day & GRADUATE school. I am going to be brutally honest with myself. This is probably one of the most honest posts I will ever write. Bare with me.



...

Dear 18 Year Old KS,

You made the right decision by walking away from him. Keep walking and don't look back. He's not right for you. You think you want to spend forever with him, but you can't even trust him. He will be the reason you and your dad's family won't speak for over 4 months & you won't know about Alicia being pregnant. Focus on your freshman year, make friends. Don't focus on him. Don't come home every chance you get, temping as it may be. It's very self destructive. You will get pregnant, by him & then have a late term miscarriage. Stay up at college, have fun. spare the heartache.

Marines are hawt, YES. Fun to party with, YES. Good friends, yes. Great penpals, def. Good boyfriends- No way. They will break your heart. Each & everyone of them. I know it is going to seem like you're a magnet for them that they are around EVERY corner you turn- but you need to some how break the trend, stop turning the corners & your head. There is one Marine, in particular who is going to shred your heart & the worst part? You left him. Years later you won't even remember why, but you will still think about. It was bad.

The boys won't be your only heartbreaks. The girl(s) you meet will break your heart even worse. They are not solely to blame, you had your hand in the ending of friendship(s) and the mudslinging too, but somethings you couldn't control. Sex is not a game, although she (they) thought it was. You weren't clear on your feelings for him b/c you were scared you hadn't felt that way since J. Don't be scared. Don't let that happen. Be open & honest. Don't let her stand in your way. She will have a way of getting in your way. If you become happy & she isn't she will find a way to make you unhappy. If she doesn't like what guy you're with or she does like him she will do what it takes so you don't have him anymore. Beware. She isn't all bad but she also isn't all that good; For you. You can certainly find a better friend.

Don't fight over petty things with your friend of 18+ yrs. Go make up. Your in a fight right now. Go say your sorry and get ice cream. Have a girls day of shopping. Just make up. She will one day be your daughters GodMother & a damn good one. She is a great friend and you know. You will need her the most when you're in a fight, so don't fight with her. It really is simple. Hug her a lot & tell her she is your BFF. Don't take her for granted, ever. Before you know it you won't be with in driving distance anymore & you will miss her.

Concentrate on your studies. I know that this is cliche, but its is so true. You are smart & know what you are doing PR is right up your ally. You don't NEED to go out if you have a paper or test due or even if you have an early AM class the next day. Your social standing will not be ruined if you say "NO" once or twice. Thats what the weekend is for, Trust me. You will wish one day that your GPA is better & that you read that chapter for the popquiz.

Don't stress out too much pretty girl. You will have some hurdles but you will graduate in 4 years. There will be some [crazy] bumps in the road, don't let that detour you; You just need to look inside and find your determination. You will get there don't worry.

You have always wanted to be a wife and mother. You got the wife part for a very short time. Not even for 6 months & to the very, very wrong man. But b/c of him you got your daughter. She is your life.

After you have been out of college for about a year you will feel lost and unsure about your life & your daughter will help you find yourself. She will help you find your "calling" b/c its not what you get your bachelors in. You will make a huge decision and move, that turns out to be for the best. You decide to go to graduate school in PA. Moving in with your boyfriend and his family [temporarily] Your little family becomes your life.

Your classes will be at night so you can continue to be a SAHM during the day. You will love the sound of your toddler playing and laughing, toddling though the house. Silence will make you wonder what's going on. Wow Wow Wubbzy adding to the noise level as you unload & reload the dishwasher while your toddler eats her breakfast & milk in the AM, while your coffee brews is all but exciting but its the life you love. The life you wouldn't trade for anything

But, you will have days, when your toddler won't listen, you have a lot of HW, the potty training seems to be too much to do on your own, your boyfriend is still just that- your boyfriend, he isn't at home to deal with the mundane crap, like the never ending laundry dishes or toys always EVERYWHERE. You could just use a break, from well LIFE, b/c it just doesn't seem to be enough. You're going to want more, you look around and want more then what you have, but you're going to be living on one income & have student loans to cover your private school education.

There will be days that you're going to cry in the shower, b/c you're going wish that you nvr married "him" b/c you wanted to have the career that came with the degree, the freedom that came with being childless, you see what your friends have. You want the ability to go shopping for that swanky new outfit or those trendy new shoes when you want them instead of saving for diapers or clothes for your daughter b/c your child grows so damn fast it blows your mind. But then, she will say mama and you will snap out of it and realize you got everything you wanted: The boy Man of your dreams that even in a hurry never forgets to give you a kiss before he leaves for work in the AM & calls your everyday during his lunch even if its just for minute. The beautiful child who is perfect in every way. The home. The multiple degrees. You might not have gotten it in the traditional manner but you got it. Just wait & your boyfriend will be ore then just your boyfriend.

...

If I would have had this when I started my undergrad life would have been easier. I don't have a manual or letter for when I start grad school in a week [7days]. I am going in blind. My life is 100% different & my priorities are different. I am hoping that this time around I will have a better experience.

**If you could write a letter to yourself- how old would you be & what would you say?**

...

Only [5days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
...

-Kelli-Sue

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"Convo w/a Toddler" && "Thanksgiving Thursday"

After E's nap yesterday I changed her, per the usual routine. As we were walking out of her room for lunch, we walked past this hanging above the light switch by her door:


(ultrasound pictures of E for those who don't know- 1 from each trimester to show the amazing change/growth)

E points to it and says her name. This (saying her name) is no big feat, but the fact that she realized that, that was her was! Granted we have been walking past that frame numerous times EVERYDAY for 19 mons & everyday I tell her "thats baby E, when you lived in mommys tummy" and we walk on, b/c she never seems to interested.

Well NOT today. Oh no. E was interested. She wanted to talk. So talk we did. Hayley , over at Blue Eyed Blonde, witnessed this convo via the speakerphone feature on the iPhone:

E: Memmy!!! Memmmmmyyyy!!!!!!! [pointing at said frame bouncing while I hold her].
Me: Yes baby that is you. That's when you lived in mamas tummy.
E: Yah.
Me: Do you remember that?
E: Yah baby. [hugs me].
Me: Did you like it when you lived in mamas tummy?
E: YAH!!!! YAH!!!! [rubs my hair...roughly, but she is trying to be nice, I hope]
Me: Was it comfy and warm in my tummy?
E: ...[quiet like she is thinking]... umm... NO mama. No [shakes her head].
Me: It wasn't?
E: No ma.
Me: [clearly thrown, I said bye to Hayls as she was cracking up like it was the funniest thing, ever.] Baby you want lunchies?
E: Yah juicey juiceyyyy!!!!
Me: Okay you can have Juice too honey.
[[She hugs me again and we are off to the kitchen]]

E & I have tons of fun convos daily. She is at the age where I can finally start to understand 85-90% of what she says. Her words are clearer, she says a lot more words now. 2-4 word sentences and she repeats [almost] everything. I love when she toddles up to me and just starts going on & on.

A few hrs later during tubbies I said:

"you know what? I love you." "Can you say I love you?"

E: Yes. [she made a kissy face]

I gave her a big wet hug and took my kiss. Now when I say E I love you... she makes a smooches face!!! I love it.

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Instead of posting TWO blogs one day, I am trying a two-in-one... I started a "series" last week called "Thanksgiving Thursdays" and said it would run till Thanksgiving... and I need to follow that through. So without further ado:

"Thanksgiving Thursday"

I have been so blessed my entire life. So this week, 7 days Thanksgiving, I want to go traditional in the listing of things I am thankful for:

- My toddler, I can't call her a baby anymore, b/c she isn't a baby. Although she will ALWAYS be my baby she isn't a baby, shes a BIG girl. She is my reason for waking up every morning.

-To be a mom. It has changed my life, for the better in ways I never thought possible.

-My family. They can be crazy, eccentric (ily you Aunt Pam) at times but they raised me right. I was raised by a wonderful beautiful SINGLE mother, a strong southern baptist grandmother (who was also helping to raise my 5 other cousins about the same age as me) she also raised her son (and 2 other children), my dad, a United States Marine.

-My friends who ARE family. W/O yall I would be lost.

-The fact that I "found" myself over the past 20 mons while being back home and now know what my true calling in life is: to teach, to help. (69 days!!)

-My boyfriend, My bestfriend, my everything. M I love you baby! You are helping me make so many of my dreams come, you're the best. I can't wait to see what's in store for us!!

-My blog friends. I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!! You all know what to say and when to say it. Yall seriously rock my corner of the interweb.

-GOD. He made all of this possible. With out him I would have nothing.

**We are one week away from Thanksgiving... Share with us-- WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?**

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**Look for MORE Convo's w/a Toddler next week!**


Thx for sticking with me [us]... the journey REALLY has just begun!


-Kelli-Sue


"Im on twitter!" ... Are you following me yet?

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

I know you wont read this. Maybe thats why I am writing it, Im a bit cowardly that way, im not going to lie. I have been thinking a lot lately, about "us" or LACK there of. Where have you been? I know you've had a lot going on, with the death of your grandma & missing her funeral, missing the birth of your nephew & school with double phasing and getting Audi and then loosing it. I know you told me that you didn't have time for my feelings, but thats not good enough for me & I told you that. Even in a crisis I want someone who has time for my feelings too. No matter what, even after my grandfathers stroke I still had time for you & your feelings. I silently go through things and I just don't tell you b/c I am afraid that you will trivialize them or not have time for them. I ask myself time & time again..."HOW DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH & HOW DID YOU LET SOMEONE INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE WHO YOU KNEW WAS GOING TO WALK OUT LESS THEN A YEAR LATER!?" wtf was I thinking? Oh yah I was thinking "hes gunna work in FL, hes gunna come back for you, b/c he loves US and this relationship that much" yah right! then I left dreamland and came back to reality. Never again will I let someone meet or get close to the one thing I hold closest to my heart until I feel that he is A) STICKING AROUND B) GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (which of course making him GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER) C) SOMEONE I could see myself LOVING-- so needless to say the next man in my life will NOT be meeting Emmy until he proves himself worthy. I will NOT put her through that. (dont fret it WONT be for a long while!!! I am in love w/him guys! you dont just get over that quickly)

I have to watch yet another man...one who she actually knows and loves...who she thinks is "daddy"... walk out of her life, forever & theres NOT a damn thing I can do about it. I am heartbroken. I am in love. I can not do another LD relationship. I have done my fair share. No more. I am a different person now, I have a child to think about and Its not a quick drive up for the weekend. Right now we live 40 mins away from each other & you don't make the effort to see me, what makes me think you'll make the effort to see me when you live 1,000mi away from me? and the next couple of Sats Caleb seems to be more important, once WE become a TOP priority, then we'll talk. Oh but wait theres no time. You leave in about a month. You wasted your time & you're about to LOOSE the 2 best things that have ever happened to you, ever! I hope you enjoyed US. Because some Man is going to swoop me off my feet and put Emmy on his shoulders and that man is going to be the luckiest man around.

I am one hell of a catch.

&& It only took me 3 yrs to realize that.

Im done chasing guys. Its their turn! Im tired!

Goodnight Freaders!

XXOO -KS

Does a LOVE like this exist?

Edward to Bella:

"Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?" He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.


[page -34- Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer]

or...

Am I shooting for the stars? am I aiming for the unattainable?

Over a year ago [Oct 2007] I made a list, got the idea from E.Wiggle back in the day to make the list and she brought back the list and edited it for her current boyfriend an crossed off what she no longer wants and bolded what boyfriend has and what hes "working on" and so on and so forth. So with out further a do...
My EDITED "What I Want In My MAN List" [bold are most important to me...]

-I want someone who adores me & LETS ME KNOW IT. [if he adores me idk it, its nice to hear every now and again]
-I want someone who thinks I'm wonderful.
-I want someone who does sweet, dumb, cheesy things that make me laugh and smile at the same time.
-I want someone who can be themselves around me and not care what a dork I am.
-I want someone who is fine with laying in the bed or on the couch all day watching movies. [we already do this... we need to GET OUT MORE!]
-I want someone who can cook, but likes when I cook too. [M is a great cook but never lets me cook; im not half bad]
-I want someone who knows where he's going in life but still has to laugh and have fun.
-I want someone who knows when it's time to be serious but knows when its time to loosen up.
-I want notes left on my car, cute-sie text messages to tell me I'm beautiful and to let me know I'm being thought about.
-I want someone who likes being outside. [M golfs but I want to get our and play w.Emmy but unless Im a Golf club...]
-I want someone who dances with me wherever the mood strikes and someone who also sings in the car.
-I want someone who cuddles with me in bed and isn't always looking to score. [ha! hes a cuddler.. a little too much]
-I want someone who kisses me goodnight and kisses me good morning.
-I want someone who likes to go to concerts (my music and his). [he thinks country is "garbage"]
-I want someone who won't complain when I want to shop for a bit, he might even want to go. [M complains everytime he shops w.me... it gets old! FAST. If you're going to bitch and moan DONT come with.]
-I want someone who smells good.
-I want someone who takes pride in how he looks but takes less time getting ready than I do.
-I want someone who is early, never later. [hes ALWAYS LATE!]
-I want someone who doesn't complain about me changing my clothes 5 times before going back to the first outfit.
-I want someone who likes being around people, whether thats my friends or his. [i don't have to even go into this one]
-I want someone who will go out and have a good time [he doesn't like to go out- unless hes going to watch UFC w.the boys] but enjoy staying in too.
-I want someone who hesistates to kiss me when he's sick and asks me the next day how I'm feeling if he slipped up and did it.
-I want someone who lets me eat off his plate at dinner without asking.
-I want someone who feels comfortable telling me that I've got something in my teeth.
-I want someone who tells me I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing... or not wearing.[his roommate/bestfriend give me more compliments then he does...]
-I want someone who offers advice but doesn't get mad if I don't take it.
-I want someone to appreciate the small things in life.
-I want someone who offers to drive most of the time but lets me occasionally.
-I want someone who is ok with a girls night and knows I'm ok with a boys night. [i'm okay with a boys night once maybe twice a month...NOT every damn Sat, esp when I ONLY see you ONCE a week- geez!]
style="font-weight:bold;"-I want someone who will let me bask in my successes no matter how small they may seem to him.
-I want someone who feels comfortable at my place and stops by occasionally to say hi or when he's in the neighborhood.
-I want someone who has his own friends but likes being with mine as well.
-I want someone who wants to introduce me to his family.
-I want someone whose family I feel comfortable around.
-I want someone that's comfortable around my family.
-I want someone I can bring around my family. [see previous post about family... HERE ]
-I want someone who is ok with hanging out with my me & DAUGHTER and realizes that this is my life now.
-I want someone who isn't afraid to kiss me in public, hold my hand, or hug me when his buddies are around.
-I want someone who opens doors for me... and the three girls walking behind me.
-I want an "I missed you" when I come back from being gone for more than a day.
-I want to be one of his first stops when he comes back from being gone for more than one day. [I want to see him more then one day a week! damn]
-I want to talk about taking vacations together then actually doing it.
-I want someone who will take photos with me... as many and wherever I want.
-I want someone who initiates those pictures.
-I want someone I'm proud to say is MINE.
-I want someone who's proud to say she's MINE.
-I want to be the first person he greets when he walks into a crowded room.
-I want to be the only girl he eyeballs. [I know im not, Im not that dense]
-I want to be... HIS.



--As I was writing this blog about a week ago I thought a love like this didn't exist. A love like "Edward & Bella" or like in all my country songs (WHAT!? Im a hopeless romantic! and I know "hes" out there somewhere!) but after week of sitting on this blog and thinking about it, I realized that kind of love DOES in fact exist. I have just been willing to settle for the first man who would stick around. I am terrified to be alone. I am not too good to admit that. I have before in the past. I thought I had found my forever but I am slowly realizing that I might not have found it. Holy shit I am only 22 years old. I used to feel like I was "damaged goods" or something b/c I am a divorced 22 y/o with a child. BUT guess what?! That just makes me that much BETTER. How you ask? Well I will tell you: *I know what married life is like, and YES I love it...l *I know what I want in a man... I am done compromising, Ive done enough of that in my life... *I don't play games... *Not only do you get my wonderful self but you get my fabulous daughter as well- a 2 for 1 if you will... can't beat that... *Just b/c I have a child doesn't mean I don't want more... I do 1-2 actually... *divorce... again... Is not an option... *I love life and all it has to offer, I made mistakes and I dont want to be judged so I wont judge you! ** Just a few reasons why I am so awesome even though I am as I like to say "damaged or used" maybe "vintage" is a better word? yah. I like that.

I am an excuse maker. I don't make them for myself as I am very hard on myself. I make them for the men I am involved with and I noticed that today. "his car is broken" "he has no money this month" "he was tired so he crashed out early, so I didnt get to talk to him much today, maybe tomorrow will be better" "he would rather cook in his own kitchen, he likes his stuff better" -- Why do I do this? Do I do this to make myself feel better or do I do it to make my relationship sound better to outsiders? I really honestly don't know why I do it. I had no idea I did it until today. Thats definitely something to think about.

I have been thinking, alot. Mainly about mine and Emmy's future. She deserves the best, of everything. So I need to make sure I work my hardest to give her the best. So I need to make sure any man that is in her life is a "keeper" none of this wishywashy crap Im used to dealing with. I need someone WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR US! (more then 1 day a week...we live in the same damn city! 40 mins isnt that far!)

Thats all for now I think this is plenty long enough..

Good night internets & my very few readers (if you read me and are not a follwer...please follow... thank you)!

All in the family...

Im a true-blue southerner. So what if im from FL. "the melting pot of the North" I was raised with southern (military) values; double whammy and spent a lot of time in Johnston, SC (Google it...its TINY!) on my uncles dairy FARM. When your a southerner, FAMILY is always a priority. ALWAYS. No "ifs" "ands" or "buts". When I was growing up in my grandma's house there was a sign similar to this one: And I used to look at it and I lived by it.

When I was "Married" to my EX he alienated me from my family. I swore I would never be with another man who would A) tare me away from my loved ones or B) not do the "family thing"-- Is it ironic that I am head over heels in love with am man who is "B"? I said to him last night something along the lines of "in a few yrs when we're more serious and we live together (engaged/married what have you) and there's a family function are you not going to go?" and with that he replied "No, its your family, you go see YOUR family and i'll talk to mine on the phone" << FUCK THAT!

I feel that once you marry someone the families become one. But the thing is, he's not even willing to try to get to know them or to put effort into the family thing. I put up with a lot of things I said I would never. I can see myself with him... This is just one thing idk if I can look past. This isnt a new thing either. Ive known for 2 yrs now and hes mentioned that hes "not into family" unless its Andy's (WTF i know!?) I didn't think in 7 months of a relationship I could change him; but I did think that b/c this was something that was so IMPORTANT to me that he would see that and make an effort b/c he loved me and when you love someone you do things even when you dont want to/like to b/c you know how much it means to the one you love. Well thats how most relationships work, NOT MINE though. If he doesn't like it, he complains the ENTIRE TIME. FUCK. Why would I think this is any different. Im such an idiot. seriously.

Last night after having the same discussion the we have all the time about family and its importance to me and him getting mad saying how he's sick of the same convo he said he would TRY to meet my dad once before Emmy's bday (April 4). Try being the key word there. As to not lock him into anything, He says he will be okay at Emmy's party b/c its not so one-on-one so I invited him to my niece's birthday party next Sunday and he said NO b/c he's just not into the family scene (although he would go to Nevaeh's bday parties and stuff ughh I hate her aunt!) Im soo stupid! After all this what do I do? I let him sweet talk me, I forget about it all and we have "adult" time. STUPID LOVE. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!

i basically dont really know what to do at this point. My daughter thinks hes daddy (this might be the biggest mistake i could have made...A)encouraging her to call him that/think that B) bring her into our relationship so early on). He claims her as his own when we're out & about. I AM MADDLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. He is good to me and my daughter (most of the time) He just needs to get his priorities straight (like when you PROMISE me something follow through! Quit canceling on me). I would like to see you more then 1 day a week too, but maybe thats just me being oh idk selfsish? greedy? NO thats normal to want to see my b/f more then one day a week! WE LIVE IN THE SAME CITY! Fuck man. I dont know if when he lives here after Audi (if that even happens) & we live together if things will get better or not. B/c we will see each other more. I just dont know at this point. Only 3 (HK, BB and Bri) of my 4 bestfriends have meet him sorry EW. They all like him. Hes likeable.

He says he doesnt like being put in a situation where hes uncomfortable when he doenst know anyone and im like well how are you ever gunna know anyone if you never meet them?! UGH.

I HAVE ALOT TO THINK ABOUT IN THE COMING WEEKS DONT I...

I hope that in the coming weeks i wright more b/c i like the way my blog looks. :)

These PA boys

How can two completely different events be so similar? I ask myself this question quite often actually. Today was one of those times.

The last time I was watching a PA man walk away from me to board a plane, it was nearly three years ago. I was watching,"N" leave for a Recon mission with the United States Marine Corps. I had NO idea where he was going, if he was going to be safe, when I was going to hear from him again, when I would be able to touch him, kiss him, hug him, just feel him again. He didn't know any of this either. That was the life of a Recon Marine g/f and as wonderful and rewarding as it was...it SUCKED 95% of the time b/c I NEVER knew ANYTHING b/c I couldn't know anything...b/c he was Recon, Special Ops...w/e you want to call it. I still watched him walk away from me to board a plane. That late afternoon after he kissed me and held me tight I thought to myself as he walked away w/his rucksack on as i had done way too many times (we said NO looking back! b/c he WAS coming home!) I love that man from PA... I really really do! I would love to marry him some day... if he ever stops playing Recon Marine (yes, yes I know I am the reason he is still in the corps..please people! stop w.the peanut gallery comments!)

Today was so different! I wasn't on aMarine base. I didn't have mascara running down my cheeks... I wasn't in a Recon sweatshirt... I wasn't insensately snapping pictures. Today was very rushed yes, but that was b/c this PA man got out of school at 1215 and still had to pack, shower, take out the trash, chain-smoke-half-a-pack-of -marlboro-menthols & get dressed and get to the airport by 300. phew! Thats with me doing the dishes and feeding Emmy and putting cute little notes all throughout his suitcase while he was in the shower so he has NO idea :), yah im that sweet. But once we're to the airport we get to the point where we're gunna say our good-byes and he does the baby first (soo sweet) then me and its a quick kiss (its OLNY 9 days people) and an I love you baby and a hug. No need for look backs or lingering, like with "N". This time it wasnt a dangerous, deployment to unknown lands overseas. It was to Reading, PA. and I have an infant who wont allow for lingering but I didnt need all the "drama" of his destination. After his hug I had the same thoughts I love that man from PA... I really really do! I would love to marry him some day. and BOOM that is where it STOPPED. I had those thoughts w/out the contingencies I had with "N". I love Cole. For the GOOD, the BAD and the UGLY.

Before we got onto the elevator Emmy started screaming looking for Matt, "dada!!!" I had to explain that "daddy had just left and what not" I was that "newly single mommy" that I sympathized for nearly three years ago. I got an eerie sense of deja vu. Oh how the roles had changed. except i wasn't watching my husband go off to war (he's played that card already), he's not my husband at all but mearly my b/f and I was just dropping him off at the airport to go home for the holidays, which in itself, turned out to be a battle (thats another blog entry, in itself!). But the feelings were just as real. If not more real. b/c I know now more what love is as ive grown-up and experienced what I thought love is and failed. Once you fail at love you vow to never fail again. Thats the mission I am on.

I follow, actually I stalk, a great blog by my Bestie and there is a great one on Love . It really sums up how I am sure 99% of american couples feel. No I will not tell you what it says! Go follow her blog! It is AMAZING!!! That is how I feel about Cole I am so in Love with this Man It hard to put into words my feelings for him.

Anyways. This was my first attempt at a "real" blog. Hopefully over time they will improve.

Good Night Internets!