"Life Isn't Always Easy"

Well hello there. I has been far too long since I have actually blogged.

Soo much has happened, since I last blogged. Applause to you if youre still following me.

Over the last almost 9 weeks, I have been navigating my way through a terrible break-up that I, nor anyone else, but T, saw coming.

I not only have been re-adjusting to single parenthood, again. But E has been adjusting to Mr. T not living here anymore.

Back when it first happened I had a lot of problems with E, she was crying over nothing at all, throwing huge temper tantrums, crying when I would drop her off and getting into trouble at school. After a parent/teacher conference I explained what was going on at home and since then her teachers have been a serious God send. I hit rock bottom the second week and I kid you not when I say a teacher from E's old school now works at her new school and I swear she is a legit angel. She showed-up at E's school right when she and I both needed to see a familiar friendly face.

Since "the break-up" I have:

• gotten rid of facebook, and I could not be happier. It was a lot of un-needed stress. I have more time to spend with E and I "unplug & turn off" electronics once a week. 
• Lost and gained back a lot of weight. I am working on getting that under control.
• Finished classes, and looking forward to my internship in January.
• Worked on myself as a whole. I feel I am a better mom and person. I will continue to work on me.
• Took time for me, something I hadn't done in a while.
• Started reading again & remembered how much I love it.
• Started doing more projects with E & going more places alone w.E
• Started subbing at a very prestigious private school, that I want to teach at, in my area. Its a great way to get known at the school & get my foot in the door.
• I am working more hours/days at the office and working on my financials. Saving more, when I can and working out a budget. I didn't realize how much easier it is when there are 2 pay checks. Haha!
• BEEN ADJUSTING TO BEING A SINGLE MOM AGAIN 

I am sure many of you are wondering the status of T and I. Well we are just friends. I have been wanting to work things out with him, but it has been nearly 9 weeks (!) and he says he still needs time. As of earlier this week I told T that we will remain friends and nothing more. I am ready to [try] and move on. Yes, I love him and would love to forget the past 9 weeks happened and get back together but I am not going to wait any longer. If it happens between us, it happens if not, then its his loss. 

I actually love myself, again. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and like I said I feel that I am a better person. 

Have any NICE single men in your life? Send them my way! 

I hope this is my return to blogging...? No promises. The other day I said I was over blogging but I think that blogging is one of those things that I stopped doing while I was with T and I am going to have to re-discover it.

If we were Facebook friends and I disappeared, I am sorry. Follow me on Twitter. I am still in that... a lot. Haha.

Tweet Tweet

xo

-Kandid Kelli

"Letter to Me"

A while ago [probably about a yr] I saw a few people do something similar to this & as I was laying in bed this yesterday AM; I woke up @ 750 - 10 minutes before E & was just thinking when I heard "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley. I then thought how much easier college and the year following would have been if I would have had a letter to myself telling me what to expect. I start grad school in EXACTLY ONE WEEK & I find myself wishing I knew what to expect. Hindsight is 20/20- So here is a letter guiding me through my FIRST 4 years of college and the year leading me to present day & GRADUATE school. I am going to be brutally honest with myself. This is probably one of the most honest posts I will ever write. Bare with me.



...

Dear 18 Year Old KS,

You made the right decision by walking away from him. Keep walking and don't look back. He's not right for you. You think you want to spend forever with him, but you can't even trust him. He will be the reason you and your dad's family won't speak for over 4 months & you won't know about Alicia being pregnant. Focus on your freshman year, make friends. Don't focus on him. Don't come home every chance you get, temping as it may be. It's very self destructive. You will get pregnant, by him & then have a late term miscarriage. Stay up at college, have fun. spare the heartache.

Marines are hawt, YES. Fun to party with, YES. Good friends, yes. Great penpals, def. Good boyfriends- No way. They will break your heart. Each & everyone of them. I know it is going to seem like you're a magnet for them that they are around EVERY corner you turn- but you need to some how break the trend, stop turning the corners & your head. There is one Marine, in particular who is going to shred your heart & the worst part? You left him. Years later you won't even remember why, but you will still think about. It was bad.

The boys won't be your only heartbreaks. The girl(s) you meet will break your heart even worse. They are not solely to blame, you had your hand in the ending of friendship(s) and the mudslinging too, but somethings you couldn't control. Sex is not a game, although she (they) thought it was. You weren't clear on your feelings for him b/c you were scared you hadn't felt that way since J. Don't be scared. Don't let that happen. Be open & honest. Don't let her stand in your way. She will have a way of getting in your way. If you become happy & she isn't she will find a way to make you unhappy. If she doesn't like what guy you're with or she does like him she will do what it takes so you don't have him anymore. Beware. She isn't all bad but she also isn't all that good; For you. You can certainly find a better friend.

Don't fight over petty things with your friend of 18+ yrs. Go make up. Your in a fight right now. Go say your sorry and get ice cream. Have a girls day of shopping. Just make up. She will one day be your daughters GodMother & a damn good one. She is a great friend and you know. You will need her the most when you're in a fight, so don't fight with her. It really is simple. Hug her a lot & tell her she is your BFF. Don't take her for granted, ever. Before you know it you won't be with in driving distance anymore & you will miss her.

Concentrate on your studies. I know that this is cliche, but its is so true. You are smart & know what you are doing PR is right up your ally. You don't NEED to go out if you have a paper or test due or even if you have an early AM class the next day. Your social standing will not be ruined if you say "NO" once or twice. Thats what the weekend is for, Trust me. You will wish one day that your GPA is better & that you read that chapter for the popquiz.

Don't stress out too much pretty girl. You will have some hurdles but you will graduate in 4 years. There will be some [crazy] bumps in the road, don't let that detour you; You just need to look inside and find your determination. You will get there don't worry.

You have always wanted to be a wife and mother. You got the wife part for a very short time. Not even for 6 months & to the very, very wrong man. But b/c of him you got your daughter. She is your life.

After you have been out of college for about a year you will feel lost and unsure about your life & your daughter will help you find yourself. She will help you find your "calling" b/c its not what you get your bachelors in. You will make a huge decision and move, that turns out to be for the best. You decide to go to graduate school in PA. Moving in with your boyfriend and his family [temporarily] Your little family becomes your life.

Your classes will be at night so you can continue to be a SAHM during the day. You will love the sound of your toddler playing and laughing, toddling though the house. Silence will make you wonder what's going on. Wow Wow Wubbzy adding to the noise level as you unload & reload the dishwasher while your toddler eats her breakfast & milk in the AM, while your coffee brews is all but exciting but its the life you love. The life you wouldn't trade for anything

But, you will have days, when your toddler won't listen, you have a lot of HW, the potty training seems to be too much to do on your own, your boyfriend is still just that- your boyfriend, he isn't at home to deal with the mundane crap, like the never ending laundry dishes or toys always EVERYWHERE. You could just use a break, from well LIFE, b/c it just doesn't seem to be enough. You're going to want more, you look around and want more then what you have, but you're going to be living on one income & have student loans to cover your private school education.

There will be days that you're going to cry in the shower, b/c you're going wish that you nvr married "him" b/c you wanted to have the career that came with the degree, the freedom that came with being childless, you see what your friends have. You want the ability to go shopping for that swanky new outfit or those trendy new shoes when you want them instead of saving for diapers or clothes for your daughter b/c your child grows so damn fast it blows your mind. But then, she will say mama and you will snap out of it and realize you got everything you wanted: The boy Man of your dreams that even in a hurry never forgets to give you a kiss before he leaves for work in the AM & calls your everyday during his lunch even if its just for minute. The beautiful child who is perfect in every way. The home. The multiple degrees. You might not have gotten it in the traditional manner but you got it. Just wait & your boyfriend will be ore then just your boyfriend.

...

If I would have had this when I started my undergrad life would have been easier. I don't have a manual or letter for when I start grad school in a week [7days]. I am going in blind. My life is 100% different & my priorities are different. I am hoping that this time around I will have a better experience.

**If you could write a letter to yourself- how old would you be & what would you say?**

...

Only [5days] till the reveal of the new NAME & Design for the blog yall. Erin @ MyWayThisTime has been working really hard, or hardly working? To make this great. Hmm. JK. We shall see come Monday, Jan 25. I can't wait!
...

-Kelli-Sue

Tweet-tweet

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

I know you wont read this. Maybe thats why I am writing it, Im a bit cowardly that way, im not going to lie. I have been thinking a lot lately, about "us" or LACK there of. Where have you been? I know you've had a lot going on, with the death of your grandma & missing her funeral, missing the birth of your nephew & school with double phasing and getting Audi and then loosing it. I know you told me that you didn't have time for my feelings, but thats not good enough for me & I told you that. Even in a crisis I want someone who has time for my feelings too. No matter what, even after my grandfathers stroke I still had time for you & your feelings. I silently go through things and I just don't tell you b/c I am afraid that you will trivialize them or not have time for them. I ask myself time & time again..."HOW DID YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH & HOW DID YOU LET SOMEONE INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE WHO YOU KNEW WAS GOING TO WALK OUT LESS THEN A YEAR LATER!?" wtf was I thinking? Oh yah I was thinking "hes gunna work in FL, hes gunna come back for you, b/c he loves US and this relationship that much" yah right! then I left dreamland and came back to reality. Never again will I let someone meet or get close to the one thing I hold closest to my heart until I feel that he is A) STICKING AROUND B) GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME (which of course making him GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER) C) SOMEONE I could see myself LOVING-- so needless to say the next man in my life will NOT be meeting Emmy until he proves himself worthy. I will NOT put her through that. (dont fret it WONT be for a long while!!! I am in love w/him guys! you dont just get over that quickly)

I have to watch yet another man...one who she actually knows and loves...who she thinks is "daddy"... walk out of her life, forever & theres NOT a damn thing I can do about it. I am heartbroken. I am in love. I can not do another LD relationship. I have done my fair share. No more. I am a different person now, I have a child to think about and Its not a quick drive up for the weekend. Right now we live 40 mins away from each other & you don't make the effort to see me, what makes me think you'll make the effort to see me when you live 1,000mi away from me? and the next couple of Sats Caleb seems to be more important, once WE become a TOP priority, then we'll talk. Oh but wait theres no time. You leave in about a month. You wasted your time & you're about to LOOSE the 2 best things that have ever happened to you, ever! I hope you enjoyed US. Because some Man is going to swoop me off my feet and put Emmy on his shoulders and that man is going to be the luckiest man around.

I am one hell of a catch.

&& It only took me 3 yrs to realize that.

Im done chasing guys. Its their turn! Im tired!

Goodnight Freaders!

XXOO -KS