"Something I Always Have..."

I love my purse ALL purses. My loving fiance, M, doesn't get the need to buy numerous bags. If you have ONE then your set. He has ONE wallet. That I got him well over a yr ago, before that he had had it for MANY of yrs and it was ratty and FALLING apart.

This is the new bag I have been carrying, on & off since Christmas. I got it from my parents. Of course I'm in love w.it not only b/c its a LIMITED EDITION, but b/c its GIGANTIC.

Being a mother I need a lot of room. Yes I carry [this] as my diaper bag. But for quick trips its just my MONSTROSITY of a purse.

Many of people wonder just what's in the depths of my purse? Well b/c I love your faces so much this is a list of the supplies I need to surive stuff that can be found in my duffle purse:

• My wallet. I'm a big fan of this wallet ; I snagged this off eBay, for super cheap, thats where I get most of my VB. (I put my lipgloss/chapsticks where they have a cell pictured)
• This smaller 'wallet'. It holds various gift cards M & I received as a couple or individually @ Christmas/Birthday. Seeing as we only shop/eat out together in my purse they go.
• A small make-up bag. It has the necessities- a compact, a few eyeshadows that match EVERYTHING, eyeliner, mascara, bronzer, concealer, blush, gloss.
• Hairties (mine & E's).
• A pack of gum.
• Various pens.
• A USB flashdrive & my oldschool iPod Shuffle (i hate the color pink but at the time, purple was not an option).
• My car keys.
• A lint roller- travel sized in purse- (full sized in car).
• Sunglasses.
• A pacifier. Sometimes more then one. (maybe a sippie cup if we're running out- ive also found a random E sock too!)
• Lotion, Hairspray, Hand Sanitizer, Super Glue, Tide To-Go mini.
• Camera (point & click).
• Small Umbrella.
• Tanning Lotion (for face) & 'eye-wear'. (my body stuff is in my car)
• Checkbook.
• Various Meds for headaches & migraines.
• Random receipts & paper scraps

Since I've tried to ween off the 'diaperbag' when going on errands (even though its always in the back seat) I find more and more of E's crap stuff, like: sock(s), shoes, sippies, babas, toys, etc. I tried to use a smaller bag... you know less crap. NOPE. It just aggravates me b/c NOTHING fits,


{via}

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It is National Infertility Awareness Week ... For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , a lot.

xo
-Kandid Kelli

"It's No Secret"

It's No Secret... That I NEED my coffee in the AM.

It's No Secret... That every 6weeks w/o fail (before I moved) you could find me at the salon gossiping w.Mandi w.foils in my hair.

It's No Secret... That every 3.5 weeks I have my kindle or most recent book, my favy OPI nail polish & I politely tell the little Korean guy how I would like my nails filled & I go about reading my book . I am a mother of a toddler I get very little quiet time. I don't feel bad that I don't try to talk to him.

It's No Secret... That I have a HUGE sweet tooth.

It's No Secret...That I am addicted to tanning, in a tanning bed . Sad, I know.

It's No Secret...That I should drink more water & less [diet] soda.

It's No Secret...That I should exercise more.

It's No Secret...That I hate being cold, but always am.

It's No Secret...That I procrastinate like nobody's business.

It's No Secret...That I love doing house work, minus laundry. IDK why, I just hate it.

It's No Secret...I never find anything good when I go thrifting, ever. So I rarely go anymore.

It's No Secret...That I trust too easily. Once you loose that trust, you're SOL, I will never trust you again.

It's No Secret...I am [and always will be] a single mom, even after I am married.

It's No Secret...That I want to be a surrogate.

It's No Secret...I have been thinking about egg donation, still unsure.

It's No Secret...That i've made my fair share of mistakes in life but they've made me who I am today.

It's No Secret...That I am pretty much an open book, about most things.

Until recently I didn't feel the need to hide (or keep anything a secret). For the most part I knew who read my blog.

If you know me IRL you know that I don't feel the need to put on a front. So obvi I dont in here in my small, humble corner of the interwebz? I have even talked about how much I hate how ppl try to come off as 'rockstars' .

I put it all out there b/c I have the best gosh darn reader a gal could ask for! Yall are supportive when I need a shoulder to lean on but yall also give me a good smack too, like any good readers friends would.

When I had anom. commenters I put a stop to them but addressing them publicly in a blog . I also had drama on my Formspring ...I addressed them via Twitter & they stopped.

They have started again. I don't want to have to start censoring my writing. Nor do I feel I should have to answer to bullies who are being cowardly by hiding behind anom. comments.

I am who I am. I am open for the world (ek! Thats kind of a scary thought) to see read about. If you feel the need to be mean, rude or nasty, be so with your name and a link to how I can respond to you via E-Mail or Blog or Don't do so at all and LEAVE MY BLOG.

NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO READ.

I am a 23 yr old single stay-at-home-mom in graduate school full-time. I am about to make my 3rd move since starting this blog. I am also going to start planing a wedding, mine. My life is not all that exciting, I am sure you can live with out my life's happenings and opinions b/c thats ALL this blog is; MY LIFE & OPINIONS.

I LOVE EACH & EVERY PERSON WHO DECIDES TO READ & COMMENT [maturely] DAY IN AND DAY OUT.

...

I have slowly but surely been putting together my lesson for next week, I am so excited about it! Its about pilgrims. I actually can't wait to teach it. I will be using my inlaws tomorrow night as my "testers".

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , a lot.

xo
-Kandid Kelli

"Not Me Monday"

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. You can also check out Hailey @ Be Serious & see what she has not been up too.


- I did not cook the MOST AMAZING chicken tortilla soup for dinner this weekend. It was fab. M had 3 bowls for dinner and some for lunch on Sunday. Yah It was THAT good.

-I did not get STUCK behind a garage truck on a ONE WAY street for over 25mins. (Thx for taking your time guys) That WOULD NEVER happen to me. B/c I would never be on THAT street going to the post office b/c thats not even on the way, apparently. Thanks GPS.

-I did not think it would be a good idea to 'bake' cookies with little E and by bake cookies I mean let her taste the dough. Now all weekend she was begging me to "Make cookies Mommy! Make cookiesssss!!!!!" I did not create a monster. LoL

-I did not have mt 1st ever blogger/twitter MEETUP Sat and LOVE IT!! Rachael & I met up @ King of Prussia mall and had lunch and walked around for a few hrs. Miss E got a big girl hair cut & Rachael and I got our share of walking in.. oh boy did we ever!! haha. We did NOT get lost trying to find the crosswalk. That would never happen to two ppl that have been to the mall numerous times. Ha!

-I did not lay in bed and read, the last book by NS that I have not yet read (soo wonderful) while E & M napped yesterday instead of doing laundry. I am now wishing I would have done the exact opposite. I have prolly 3 loads to do!!

-I did not srsly threaten the lives of DirectTV employees last night as I kept loosing satellite signal during Desperate Housewives. Lord help them if it would have happened during Army Wives. So what if there was a horrible Thunder Storm. Doesn't mother nature know about MY TV schedule?!

-I did not drive around O.V. for 10 mins this AM looking for a gas station (i didn't find one before I had to be at the elementary school), cursing at myself for leaving my coffee o the kitchen table. 6 classes of 23+ 1st graders w.o coffee- Oh lord help me. not to mention THEY WERE WIRED... today was their "earth day celebration!".

...

It is National Infertility Awareness Week ... For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 .

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , are we friends?

xo

Kandid Kelli

"Be Educated"

Katie is someone whom I have never actually met in person. I feel as If I have, through our email exchanges, [brief] txts and blog comments to each other. She is one of the strongest people I "know".

Her story has touched me soo deeply. No, not b/c I am infertile. For those who have been reading my blog know that I conceived E, unplanned. I can't really put into words why she has touched me as she has, but I know why in my heart.

A few minutes ago she posted [this]... I can barely see the screen as the tears are rolling down my checks.

Infertility is real. There is no QUICK or EASY fix. It doesn't just effect "older" women/men. Theres no rhyme or reason.

BE EDUCATED!

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24–May 1.

I got these links from Katie:

For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), go to www.resolve.org/takecharge. And to see how "Project IF" started, check out www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if.

"Angels"

I honestly believe that people are put in your life for a reason.

Good and bad.

When I went home for SB, I had quite a few DRS apt (and beautification apts). The most important apt. I had was with my GYN.

For the past few MONTHS (yes mons, but I don't have DRs up here, Im just a student & you only see your GYN once a yr and figured on my visits home I would pop in and see him) I have been having intense, consistent & unbearable left ovarian pain (TMI?) I was concerned, I wanted to get it checked out to make sure it wasn't anything serious, or whatever it was could get taken care of. I was sick of the pain. Advil/Tylenol wasn't doing shit either. I had a toddler who doesn't understand "mommy doesn't feel good today, lets take it easy" Ha! yah right.

I went it and he did his exam and he "felt something"- he wanted to see what he was feeling so he ordered an U/S. After the U/S, I learned some news that wasn't particularly good news. I have endometriosis. You can't see that on an ultrasound unless its a high stage. I am not, so that is positive. But... left untreated my pain will get worse & it can cause infertility, it can aslo cut off blood flow to my left ovary, which apparently is doubly painful. Basically not what I wanted to hear. But then again atleast there is an action plan, right? It could be worse I suppose.

I will be having surgery this summer (June) to take care of my endo. While in his office I learned that my GYN also specializes infertility as well, so he will perform my surgery. Until then I am keeping a a pain log. Tacking when (date/time) I have pain w/a rating (1-10.. 1 least 10 worst) if It moves to the right to also note that as it is only on the left thus far.


If you've been reading me for a while you know how dead set I am on being a surrogate, well my GYN (whom delivered E) told me that surrogacy is not a good idea & that I shouldn't even consider doing it. That if after just one pregnancy [that I delivered vaginally] I developed endo. that being a surrogate I would prolly have complications (wether it be more endo. after the fact or other complications).

He said that most of his endo. patients (w/children) develop the endo. from c-sections, not vaginal deliveries. Endo. is basically a build-up of scar tissue, hence the c-section patients. I lost it at that point b/c I so badly want to be a surrogate. -- I just can't help a family have a baby now like I wanted, I feel like I have lost some thing. I have had this huge pit in my stomach. :(

I didn't take this well, but one of my blog friends , and hope one day an IRL friend, helped me deal with it. She herself is going though A LOT but she took the time to help me. SHE reached out & explained A LOT to me and just told me not to give up hope.

For that I am grateful. Words can't even describe it.

People like her are ANGELS WALKING THE EARTH.

To EVERYONE who tweeted, Txted, E-Mailed, FBed, Called & Visited me while I was going through this... THANK YOU, I learned who my real friends are.

I know it could've been way worse, I love all of you.

...

It feels good to be back.

Don't miss a beat, keep up in between posts, I Tweet , are we friends?

xo

Kandid Kelli

"For Someone Else"

Have you ever wanted something for SOMEONE else so badly, that you almost forgot that you were hoping/wanting that for SOMEONE else?

That it wasn't for you.

Well this recently happened to me. M says I get way too involved, in everything. The news, missing children, women cases, murder cases & now he says I get too involved in peoples (some I personally know, some I don't) blogs.

IDK why this happens. I just think its part of who I am. I care. A lot. Somethings just hit me more then others.

I read Katie's blog yesterday & I was so sad for her and her husband. There was a noticeable change in my mood. My mom asked me what was wrong & I told her. She told me about a friend of hers who went through something very similar and my mom was also very sad for them. She also told me that I couldn't always let things that are out of my control effect my mood. Just do my best to be there if she [Katie] needs me & have a good attitude & try to help if I can.

I hadn't even realized my mood had changed. How strange, huh?

I don't know Katie personally but my bestie, Hayls , does. Although I don't personally know her I feel as if I do. I have gained a lot from reading her blog. I don't know how I will ever thank her. I know she doesn't write for other people, she writes for herself, as a outlet & to document her journey. But surely I am not the only one who has gained something from her writing?

I just didn't realize how badly I wanted this for her and her husband until yesterday. I felt like such a horrible reader, virtual friend if you will, b/c I had no words of support for her, except that they [her and her husband] were in my thoughts & continual prayers. I didn't know what else to say. What can you really say?

Sometimes thats all I can offer, my thoughts & always my prayers. I know that she is a kind and loving woman (Hayley tells me so). So I know she appreciates every comment and tweet that comes her way, but I don't know what she is going through. So I don't know what it feels like to be in her shoes.

I know how badly they want this & maybe that is why I wanted it for them so bad?

But yesterday I was very saddened, by something I was wanting, for someone else. That I almost forgot that I was hoping/wanting for someone else.

Does this make any sense to yall? b/c it makes perfect sense in my crazy jungle of a brain -or- Has this ever happened to any of you?

Thx for sticking with me [us]... the journey REALLY has just begun.
-Kelli-Sue

"Im on twitter!" ... Are you following me yet?

"Un-Paid Surrogate"

"Hey hon, Shes KICKING for the first time. I'm in line at the post office. I will be right over when I am done. Okay. I love you too. Bye"

That was one side of a phone convo I heard today while at the postoffice w.E. The woman behind me was if I had to guess about 20w pregnant. Give or take (and from the info in the call just kicking for the first time I assume I am right)

So I turned around and politely asked "When are you due?"

She said "Oh no sweetie... This isn't my baby... I am an unpaid surrogate for my brother and sister-in-law. I was just on the phone w.my SIL. Their daughter just kicked for the first time. I want her to feel it."

I was over-come with emotions. I recently started reading a friend of a friends BLOG . It is her and her husbands journey to starting a family & their troubles with infertility.

The woman went on to explain that her SIL was raped repeatedly as a small child by her step father and that the abuse pretty much destroyed her womb but that her eggs were just fine. Her and her brother are very close and that she has no desire to have children of her own but wanted to do whatever she could to help her brother and SIL.

She told me that thus far everything has gone smoothly & that she is more then willing to do it again for them when and if they wanted another child.

She said that she could in no way accept any money from them. She just couldn't fathom that. She said she feels she was put on this earth to help people, esp her family. She told me how their insurance covers all her medical expenses (she was temp added to their policy) and that they are present at all her doctor appointments.

She also told me about how it wasn't just about IVF-- she had to undergo numerous therapy sessions and right after the IVF was a success she had few more therapy sessions. But before the IVF happened she had to have a physical, bloodwork and have her womb checked to make sure she was healthy enough to carry a child to term.

I never realized how much went into being a surrogate. I thanked her for being so candid with me & wished her the best of luck with the rest of her brother & SIL's pregnancy. She smiled and said she loves to talk to people who are genuinely interested and who don't judge her the minute she she says "Oh this isn't my baby"

I have always thought about surrogacy & would I be able to do it? The answer is I don't know. It all depends on who it is for & what the circumstances are.

I would love to help out a couple who are having a problem having a child, her eggs and his sperm are fine but say something is just not clicking. I would love to be that person. I can honestly say I think it would have to be someone I am close to/know.

I would love to give the gift of a child to a loving couple who genuinely wants a child.

Since reading Katie's Blog I have educated myself on infertility and my outlook on alot of things such as mothering, unfit parents & such has changed drastically! I believe you will see a change in my posts.

I hope I don't offend anyone.

Thx for sticking with me [us]... the journey REALLY has just begun!


-Kelli-Sue


"Im on twitter!" ... Are you following me yet?

"Long over due..."

...So its been a while...a long while since I have updated. Since my last blog

I GRADUATED! From UNF w.my bachelors in Public Relations.

I had surgery... yesterday actually and now I feel shitty.  I've had a ton of surgeries this one didn't hurt as bad, I'm just hella sore and nauseous...ick. 

Moving on...

I am also getting divorced.  I have gotten quite a bit of negative remarks on this.  Let me ask you something is this YOUR life? NO ITS NOT. It's my daughters and mine.  Do you have children? The ones flapping their gums don’t.  Who the hell are you to tell me I didn't try hard enough! -or- That divorce isn't the right decision.  

This isn't a decision I made lightly.  This is what will be best in the long run.  I want and deserve to be happy, as does everyone.  I was no longer happy with him. In order for my daughter to grow-up happy she needs to be raised in a happy household.  There’s a lot you don’t know about the situation.  Do you seriously think I’m gunna change my mind b/c YOU think its wrong. You think its better for the baby if her mommy and daddy are together. WRONG! If the relationship is unhealthy the child senses that and that is unhealthy for a developing mind/ personality.  You have no room to talk seeing as you don’t have children. Hell you aren’t even married.  So you honestly have NO ROOM to spit your “opinion” take it somewhere else.  

Hell I didn’t even ask you for it, you just up and offered it.  This is a very stressful situation on both my family and myself.  The LAST thing I need is flak from people who have NO IDEA.  I have confided in people I am close with or people who have been there or close to being there, People with children.  

Being a single mom is hard. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. But in retrospect I have been a single mom since I was pregnant b/c Bob wasn’t in the picture.  So you could say I’ve got this single mom thing down pact.  I have help from my mom but I will be moving out soon (couple of months) and will no longer have her help.  As some of you know, she helps but not as much as most thinks.  I really do it myself.

That leads me to people getting pregnant who honestly shouldn’t.  IT’S HARD!! Period. The end. 

I have friends who are married and have been for years and years and are dealing with infertility.  They deserve a child or even another one to expand their family. It just isn’t fair that girls who sleep around get knocked-up or they have a new b/f week-after-week.  I’m not saying that you have to be married but its highly recommended.  PEOPLE PEOPLE…Condoms. Birth Control…there are sooo many forms of it now.  

Complaining that they are too expensive is bull b/c do you realize how EXPENSIVE children are?  People can tell you but you really never know until you’re there, in those shoes.

That leads me to my BIGGEST fear.  Not finding someone b/c I have a child.  That men will see E as “baggage” and not want to deal w/someone who has an ex-husband.  Being divorced is completely different than just breaking up with someone/ having an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.  

I don’t have the same cute small body as I did before I met Bobby.  I mean I am working on getting back there I have about 25 more lbs to go but still.  I have stretch marks now, I don’t care who you are, those are NOT in any way attractive. LoL.  Anddd  I haven’t been tanning in forever so I’m the palest I have ever been.  I know this all sounds so trivial and it kind of is but its just one of the things I think/worry about.

Another thing I am worried about is finding a job. A GOOD job, Preferably one that utilizes my degree.  My 4 years of expensive education.  I will be applying to radio stations, tv stations, Disney, Universal, Sea World, Hospitals…Big corporations that aren’t struggling in the face of the economy. But I’m putting it in Gods hands and he will lead me in the right direction.  

My mom thinks I should get my Masters. She must be insane. I’m sooo glad I’m DONE with school.

Anyways I could go on and on…but I won’t Im hurting and want to lay down.

**NONE OF THIS WAS DIRECTED AT ANY ONE PERSON…JUST ADDRESSING THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF**

Hopefully I will write again tomorrow when im less pissed off…

xo

-Kelli