"Intereality"

photo courtesy of google

I've been blogging [here] for nearly 2yrs (Feb 4, 08). So my baby is getting pretty old, as far as blogs goes. I had a LJ & FOD in HS when those were all the rage but I don't really consider those blogs. I more consider those, "drama starters" b/c thats basically what they were used for back then. To stir-up drama. Anyways I'm digressing, as always.

My blog has changed & transformed over the course of its life. Its changed as I have changed. It started out as a way for people [family & close friends] to keep up with the end of my pregnancy. It was getting scary. One minute they were going to take my baby 10wks early b/c of complications then the next they weren't. We were living U/S to U/S. It was a scary time & I couldn't continue to make the SAME repetitive phone calls to my HUGE family. I made the decision to blog it & they could read it or not.

Then it some how morphed into a pregnant bitchfest about how my parents hated my [soon-to-be-ex]Husband, I had already filled for divorce but it wouldn't be finalized till after E's birth b/c of childsupport issues. Yet I, in my pregnant state-of-mind I thought (even w.the looming divorce, that I FILED) things would be OK & that Mom/Tom should suck it up. HAHA I love them for not

That bring us to Urban Cowgril- & TODAYS Kandid Kelli . Even though the name changed (Thanks Erin for my face lift, Its fab!!) It didn't change my style or who I am. I blog about my life as a young [single] mom who is just living the day to day, w/a clone for a toddler. Thanks karma. I am very kandid (I know its candid for real but for the sake of my name... go with it, thx!) with you all and I have never held back.

When things were good, I raved! When things were bad, you [unfortunately for yall] got the gory deets. I don't think its right to portray something I am not. What good would I be doing? I know the truth. I know what really goes on in my life.

Sure I can make my life look glamourous & wonderful on a computer screen but when I step away It is what it is. I LOVE MY LIFE. TO ME IT IS GLAMOUROUS & WONDERFUL, but for some [most] its not.

I read sooo many blogs. My reader is JAMMMMM PACKED!!! I love each & every single blogger I read, too. I follow a lot of them on Twiter too. I just can't get enough of their wittiness.

But I have to remember, their blog is NOT their [real] life. They only share (besides youLILU & well maybe you too Tia) the good & the glam.

Who wants to write about the knock-down-drag-out fight they had w.their husband/ S.O? Or the humdrum of their everyday life? Why would they want to portray their life as anything but extraordinary?

Just b/c someone is a great writer does not mean YOU WANT THEIR LIFE. They are going to write about the exciting things that happen. The funny events, etc. Don't mistake the internet & what you read in blogs/forums to be 100% truth. Some people may be what you read is what you get, but most aren't. They want it to look like they live the "rockstar" life 24/7.

If you follow me on Twitter you saw me post this, this AM: "Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have." -Unknown. I truly believe that quote. I think a lot of people are just searching for happiness, be happy w.what you have 1st. Then you might be able to stop searching.

...

Have a Fantastic weekend & I hope to see you back here @ Kandid Kelli Monday AM for "Not Me Monday"

I Tweet , do you?

"Looking Back"

So yesterday I realized what how real "pregnant brain" (forgetfulness, confusion, hormone surges, etc...) really is. It really makes you delusional. I was bored, I couldn't take E out to play on her play-set, & thx to El Nino it was pouring, so we were cooped up inside. I decided to read back on some of my early blog entries; back while I was very pregnant and very much in a different state of mind, so to speak.

Now Let me Take you back to July of 2007...When I found out I was pregnant with E. The very day I had told my "wonderful" and by "wonderful" I mean piece of shit who 'couldn't find a job' b/c he was too lazy too actually look & would rather lay around while his pregnant wife works and goes to school full time huband. OK. AWESOME. So that day I told him I wanted an annulment. We had only been married close to 3 months, it was still in that short "I made a huge mistake" ball park. So I told him that and while that was marinating, I went to lunch. When I came home after my friend has mentioned that she thought I might be cooking something... ie: a fetus; I took a pregnancy test and after literally 25 sec after my urine hit the stick it told me that yup I was def cooking! 1 4 letter word left my lips... F-U-*-K , I couldn't get an annulment anymore. I had to get a family law attorney and get divorced & I was going to forever be tied to this dipshit (im pro-life). GRRRReat & Not like Tony the Tiger GRRRReat either.

So now lets FF 7 1/2-8 months... OKAY! [[Now remember Mister Wonderful (MW) left me at 13wks preggers]]

Here are some Prime examples of "pregnant brain" :

Example 1: Real Brain: I wanted an annulment, I wanted out. I was through with that one-sided, shit-bag marriage. I had better relationships in school then with him.
Pregnant Brain: (after seeing the baby for the 1st time) Even though your a shit bag lets try make this work.

Example 2: Real Brain: Your husband walks out on you while you are 13wks pregnant, you do what any normal woman does... go see an attorney and get the ball rolling on divorce. So I did. She advised me to wait till the baby was born because of child support and custody hearing and to just do it all at once. So I did.
Pregnant Brain: He calls and says hes sorry for leaving & that he loves me. I put away all the divorcee papers and say "its okay, you're doing what's best for this family" [WTF]

Example 3: Real Brain: I knew what a shit bag he was. He was not "my prince" he was not this sweet kind loving MAN. He once left me alone for hours on end while on vacation in MO to go gamble. < Not a good guy.
Pregnant Brain: I wrote [a blog] about how wonderful he was and how I had found my forever, my prince and blah blah blah bullshit-- I was 8.5 mons pregnant.

Example 4: Real Brain: I DID NOT want him present for the birth. I had told him this numerous times on the phone. I told everyone this. But b/c I was HUGE and pregnant no one listened to me.
Pregnant Brain: He showed up. I was happy. I was hooked up to monitors they showed the truth. my blood pressure shoot threw the roof and the baby's went down. I wrote in my blog how over joyed I was. I was lying. In actuality I was pissed. I had a Plan with my mom and aunt all ready and he ruined it. DIDNT WANT HIM THERE. But the pregnant brain said "its okay" He just got in the way, He didn't help.

I only gave 4 examples but I mean as I was reading these I was just laughing b/c I had divorce papers by 13 weeks pregnant but I am reading blogs I wrote at 7-8 mons along and its talking about how I miss him and love him & how things are going to work and how great he is no matter how bad everyone says he is and I was blown away!

I never believed it when I heard about it while I was pregnant, I laughed actually; but now looking back I guess it really does exist. I guess you really do and say things that you would never do/say when you're sane/not pregnant. I guess it has to do with the influx of hormones in your body.

It really makes me laugh when I think of the LARGE number of pregnant friends I have now. Be cautious ladies. "Pregnant Brain" does exist. My old blogs are testament to that.

I am thinking of getting rid of them. Its embarrassing, not so much the blogs, but, that I was ever with him. Now I need a stiff drink and its only 9am. Oh sheeish. This is what happens when you spend your days cooped up with a toddler. But thats another blog for another day.


Thx for sticking with me [us]

-Kelli-Sue

"Im on twitter!" ... Are you following me yet?

"The days are winding down..."

...Till the day I am a mommy.

I am scared, but not only about the very nearing prospect of being a mother but that fact that I know I will be doing it alone.

Wether Bob is in Missouri or Kuwait doesn't matter- either way I will be alone. I know  I have a great family and wonderful friends but seriously at the end of the day, when my friends & family have gone back to their lives, when E has been crying all day b/c she is sick or whatever and school has been a bitch and i just want to lay down next to someone, just have some adult time, he wont be there, I wont get that.

I feel like things are never going to change, that Im gunna be married to someone who is always gone. I feel like i'm trying harder at this than he is. Maybe its my hormones but I'm not going to be pregnant for ever. Less than 6 weeks left! 

The thought of being alone scares the crap out of me, Im not going to lie. I just wish it didnt have to be this way. Im scared. I am tired of always wishing for perfection. Im ready for that perfection...when will it be my turn, for my happily ever after?

All I know is no matter what happens, E is my happy ending. I love her so much already and I haven't even met her.

Just the thought that I am growing this little person inside me, makes me soo happy, i can't even describe it, and so excited to have her! 

I really need to finish my thank you notes. I only have 17 left. Im going to do that and the rest of my HW tomorrow!! 

Thats all for now. I am scatter brained, as usual. More to come later.

xo
-Kelli

"Im alone & that scares me...does that make me weak?"

I officially have no life. I sit here all day, doing or homework or nothing at all. I am living life through my friends...

...My worst nightmare has officially come true.

Being alone.

I mean I am never really alone because E is always with me but I'm a town thats supposed to be "home" but I feel like a visitor.

I feel like anytime I will be heading back to Jacksonville. At one time  I was just a visitor in Jax and WP was my home but now after living in Jacksonville for 4 yrs that quickly became my home. The friends I made in jax were more like family then friends. I miss that. I miss always having someone to hangout with or go to dinner with.  

I dont have any friends here (i have like 1 or 2). We all graduated HS and went our separate ways. Some went away to college some stayed and did the CC thing. Basically we all drifted way from each other. Seeing as we graduated 4 yrs ago. 

I look forward to doing silly things such as going to the bank or Publix; thats how pathetic my life has become. If I go run errands w.my mom she drives b/c she says I make her nervous. I just feel like a child living here. I want my own place again. My mom and i got along better when I didnt live at home.

gah.  After livin on my own for 4 yrs coming back home is HARDER than you would think. But to live in my own place I need $$ and i dont have $$ b/c I dont have a job. I dont have a job because I'm 32wks pregnant, taking 6 classes and doing my internship!! Im slightly busy. 

Im seriously depressed.

I have been alone almost the whole time i've been pregnant and its starting to look like I will be raising her alone. 

Im jealous of the ladies whose husbands and fiances or b/fs are home every night.  I never thought in a million years my life would turn out like this. Jealousy is not a good thing. I HATE being jealous. 

I also hate the way I feel...im sad, depressed. Im pregnant this should be the happiest time in my life. Don't get me wrong im EXCITED about being a mommy and about meeting little E, but being alone makes me sad.

I feel like im weak for feeling this way.

Im off to be productive...Im sure i'll write more later...maybe tonight?

Bye Yall

xo
-Kelli